For the past month I have been in my six month cancer screening. And for weeks I have been trying to keep my emotions in check. Putting it lightly, you sit through a series of blasts to your system, then tons of testing all culminating to the day you get all of your test results.
So here we are exactly 20 hours from my results on the 20th. and I am going to answer a series of questions I have been asked over the past 29 days. Pause~ Like the nerd that I am I have kept a running list of questions and the answers I've given. Play~
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How do you feel physically and emotionally?
Physically its been hard. Some days are better than others. Some days are truly awful. Emotionally, I am trying to keep myself in check. I am trying to stay self aware. But I can not lie, I'm scared shitless. I do not know what to expect. I do not know what can come from this. And the Internet has been my worst enemy. Somethings you should not Google EVER!
What happens if it comes back unfavorable?
I have no idea. This is the first time Ive experienced anything like this. I am keeping my hopes high but you know if its bad we will just address it as it comes. I'm sure my doctors have a plan in place if something is not really favorable.
How do you stay positive?
Is there any other option? Sure I could be a total mess but who does that help? I still have to get up and go to work. I have friends to speak to and libations to ingest. Really, I am in a much better state emotionally (even though I'm a mess) and physically than I was when I was first going through this two years ago.
Why are your nail beds so scary looking?
(snickers) Chemo. Or whatever this shit is I'm being pumped full of. (laughs heartily) I'm embracing this ugly nail bed and owning it.
Annmarie who the fuck are you?
You just said it. I'm Annmarie. Your resident drag queen.
What do you tell your job during this? About this?
I've been really honest about whats going on. In real life, I kind of just put a little white flag out there like "this is going on for the next month so if you see my down at my desk know its not you its this." But I still think its abstract to my work folks cause I am not what they would expect cancer "to look like."
Are you scared?
HELL YES! HELL YES! There is not one single solitary day that goes by that I do not think about what my plan would be if it were to reappear. Like not one day. Its scary. Its stupid to be scared. Its not helpful. But it happens and I will get past it. Well maybe one day.
You see a therapist? Why? You are one of the most balanced people I know.
Girl I have to see one. You think this is easy? This whole situation is moisturized and premeditated [insert burst of laughter among friends]. But for real the most balanced person needs someone to gain perspective from and I need Sheryl. She is everything. She is part of my community.
You don't think its time for you to let Sheryl (my therapist) go?
NO! I'M NOT LETTING SHERYL BREAK UP WITH ME! I'M NOT READY! She is a part of my community. She can not break up with me. I'm working on it. We went from three times a week to one a week. I'm working on it.
How did you deal with the passing of your support group member?
I can not lie it did not go well. I had a meltdown so bad I had to go to my parents house. I did not attend the funeral or burial. I wasn't strong enough for that. Eventually I did go to the grave site and gained some closure. I still have moments where I expect her to call me. However, I've been trying my hardest to not carry that with me through this process. She is not me and I am not her. I will remember her forever though.
What do you do at your screening? Like to be entertained?
Um its legit like a movie. I really sit there and read some days. Other days I listen to my ipod. Recently King Push (Pusha T) has been really helping me through. Then other days I lead guided instruction with the nursing staff. So last week we learned the art of a proper twerk. [everyone laughed] Nah but for real, I'm hooked up to my jumper cables but I'm not dead. Shit they getting that work when I'm there.
Who are you speaking to in treatment?
I've actually met this dope white woman who legit sat next to me on day one and asked if she could take off her wig. I of course said "girl yes take that shit off its hot in here." And we've since become fast friends. She is actually a workout junkie and totally dope. Unfortunately, her results are not so good so I haven't seen her in some time. But she was def a breath of fresh air.
What are you going to do when its over?
Look fucking fabulous and go out! The results will be what they are. I can not change them in that moment. But the night is mine and I'm taking it!
