Capturing the moment

So one of my friends suggested I write this post right now as I am still fresh off the news that...

I AM CANCER FREE OFFICIALLY! 

So weird to even see the words written on the screen and know that its related to me! Well let me set the scene for you all. Pause~ I know y'all love me to set a scene. Play~ 

I wake up feeling noticeable good and get dressed for work. Huff it to the train (since I cant exercise just yet) and then start listening to my iPod and reading my newest love Milan Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being." Run off the train to work (because naturally I'm 3 minutes late) and then get up to my desk and my phone is ringing. Pick it up and here's the conversation.

Me: This is Annmarie

Dr. D: Hi Miss Payne. How are you feeling today?

Me: Dr. D. I'm ok today. Not as much soreness and the swelling is going down. What can I do you for?

Dr. D.: Well we tested your tissues twice and your last ultrasound and you are 100% free.

Me: WHAT?

Dr. D.: Yes! Believe it Annmarie. We are still going to have to do your follow up on June 11th for [insert medical jargon] and you will have your six month check up in November. But I wanted to let you know immediately.

Me: Dr. D. I don't even know what to say. Thank you!

Dr. D.: You are most welcome. Take it easy and call me if you need anything.

Me: Totally.

- sinks in office chair and stares at the screen -

In this moment I have so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, extreme joy, elation, relief and those are just to name a few. But the two words that come to mind are

THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has been there and helped me. So many to thank. So many to reach out to.

But the one thing I will say is that believe in God, trust in yourself and stay as strong as you can!

Annie P!

Post Surgery

So for those who are wondering how I'm looking post surgery here's a terrible shot to give you an idea. Lol 

Well world I DID IT! Old boobs gone...new boobs in. So I wanted to take this post to share some observations. 

1. I am way more mobile than I thought I would be! Now don't get me wrong it's tiring but I'm up and walking around. I've even shocked most of my family and friends with how mobile and upbeat I am. Pause~ In real life once the doctor told me I could move around my mind went into "heal mode" so I've been super alert. Play~

2. Pain is inevitable. Now even though I'm walking I'm definitely still in pain. It's more pressure and discomfort but there's definitely pain associated. 

3. This journey is definitely MY OWN! For weeks prior to my surgery I had begged and pleaded with other survivors from my support group to tell me about their mastectomies and no one would. And now I understand why. It's truly your own journey. Like I'm in pain but not severe pain (thank goodness). I'm mobile but still sore all over. I'm walking but def short of breath. So that's def something to take note of. 

4. Support is way key! My support system has been SOLID AND AMAZING! Between my awesome family and beautiful friends I could NOT have made it this far. From visits, to meals, to flowers, to laying in bed with me this has been truly a system that has raised me so high above cancer that I have to LOOK DOWN to see the sadness I endured before. 

5. My parents will always struggle to speak about this. The P's are amazing! Lets start there. But I know there's a lot of guilt and sadness there. They still can not speak directly to me about this BUT I do see them reaching outwards for support. So I am accepting that. 

Lastly...

NUMBER SIX.....

FITNESS COMPETITION IS IN THE FUTURE ! I have never ever felt more motivated than at this very moment to command this goal. It's coming, I'm doing this and  dedicated. Ready or not world it's happening. 

Changes & READY!

Blog land...the day came and went for me to see my final progress from all my hard work pre-surgery! (Results below)


(Left: January 2013; Right: April 2013)

Whats totally cool about this "transformation" is that it has been more than a weight loss journey. Naturally weight loss is the overall goal but it turned into a mind, soul and body transformation. Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ When making the decision to get my mastectomy at this ripe twenty something age, I didn't know the repercussions that would come from such a decision. Emotionally, I felt like I had failed at taking care of cancer that I would have to do this. Physically, I was fatigued and over everything that had to do with cancer. Finally, soul/faith was at an all time low! There's nothing worse than thinking that you have no spiritual guidance or backing.        

Then it happened on a work trip to DC, I got the call from my doctor about my date options and I sat with my Life Yoda and my Courageous Dancer Pause~More on CD in another post. Play~ and told them what I had just been confronted with. And both ladies wasted no time telling me to stop bitching (literally) and do what I needed.

That next Monday when I was back at home base and I made the call to my trainer aka the Unfat Guru and said "I have this surgery coming up and I need your help." Within the week we had a price and a plan. Now the coolest thing about having my trainer is that he started as a friend. Pause~ Not going to make this sappy promise. Play~ But I say that to say, that UG isn't the best at being a lair. So when I stated my goals and then said "At the end I want to do a fitness competition." He looked at me and said "Umm..really?" Pause~ In no way was he doubting me...but being a fitness master he knows what it takes. And here he was looking at a too big Annie P who was having surgery in months. Play~ But he was totally DOPE! Post my confirmation of said statement he said "Well LETS WORK." He never gave up on me. He never let me negotiate. He never forgave me for bad eating. THAT my friends is a trainer!

So here we are four months later, 6 workouts per week, semi-impeccable eating (def a work in progress) and surgery ready!

In the end, I took a status check on my three faculties (emotional, physical and spirit) and everything pointed to the word READY!

But this post is really dedicated to those folks that always backed me up! You guys never treated me like a cancer patient, supported my fitness goals, stuck around for the insanity and never let me quit! That's what makes this journey/success yours as much as it is mine!

Totally humbled!
Annie P

I Think Im Working Too Much

So I think Im working too hard or am over worked. Pause~ Is there a difference? Play~ I mean I know that in the real world you have to work to pay bills and live overall but I think I am taking it to the next level. For instance, for the past three months, I have worked late and every weekend. I mean I am used to this usual recruiter grind where you work and travel and fit fun in between. However, this week I am especially drained and not happy. I am literally having a hard time deciding to when to do simple things like sleep!

I could bring this to my boss but I think he is in this "nonprofit" grind mode where he thinks that this is temporary. But in real life its not! I am overworked. Like seriously overworked. I make the necessary decisions like leaving work at 6pm but then I go home and am working until 3am and then up again at 6am to catching those last minute questions from whoever. Pause~ By no means am I comparing myself to other folks that have way harder jobs like attorneys who work like crazy. Nor am I or will I complain about the amount of money because I can live and survive on what I make. Play~ This is getting out of control. And whats really crazy is that when I left my old job and came here I made a solemn promise that I would set boundaries....SERIOUS BOUNDARIES! But here I am, overworked and really not happy with how I have let this job take over my whole life. Ugh there has to be something!!!!

Frustrated, stressed and tired,
Annie P

Satisfaction - Holy Week Turn Up!

I know there are some of you that are shaking your head or laughing hysterically at my "Holy Week Turn Up" title. But here we are on day two/three of this monumental week that culminates to Easter Sunday. No need to re-visit what Easter means to me. I gave you guys all that in the last post. 

However, what is totally awesome about today is...

THE VOTE BY THE SUPREME COURT FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE TO BE LEGAL! 

Pause~ I debated about writing this post but I think we as humans deserve the right to speak on what we believe in. Play~ Most people start these things with "as a black woman" but I can not. So, AS A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD, I can say that I am shocked that we are late to this party as a country, but I digress. What gets me excited about today is that I can witness this paramount decision with a Supreme Court bench that is totally awesome. 

 + 

So here's an admission...Annie P is a huge political nerd! Pause~ I do not speak on politics, sports or religion in open forums because some people can not separate opinion from emotions. But alas here we are. Play~ And this day has been a long time coming since the fight started in that one open hearing (which I happened to be watching on MSNBC) with Beth Robinson of Vermont leading the debate in favor of same sex marriage. It was that day that I decided what my views were on the subject. YES! Let them wed! 

However, as time passes you start to hear both sides of the argument and then you get bored with the banter, the ugly debates, the "mistakes" some politicians when addressing the subject and separation of community. Pause~ I'm not here to grand stand so I will stop here but you get what I'm saying. Play~ 

So back to today...this MONUMENTAL day! In true me form, I wanted to reflect on how amazing I feel. Within said reflection I began to realize that my personal living history is pretty damn dope! Here are some items you all may or may not remember:

1. First elected African American president

2. A tragic war 

3. An actual economic recession/depression 

4. Two new popes 

5. Planned Parenthood vs. Casey (1992)

And here we are today, witnessing one of America's oldest traditions act with two amazing facets. Our first Hispanic and third woman justice (Sonia Sotamayor who I love) and the vote that will change state politics all over this "great land." Admit it...we are living in awesome times! 

So on this Holy Week I have been immersing myself on my Pope Francis Rome services and now this amazing political drama that will affect our children and our children's children! Pause~ I felt like JFK right there. Play~ 

Make sure you guys keep up with the news. 

Happy Holy Week! 

Annie P

A Holy Week Evaluation

Well readers the most precious time of year has arrived -- Holy Week!

For those of you that do not know, Annie P is a traditionalist in a majority of things. Traditional religion (though) has been somewhat of a struggle for me over the years; however, Easter is something that has stuck with me. I love the whole pomp and circumstance of this time of year. From Lent to Palm Sunday to Holy Week...I love it all! Pause~ Fret not this post is not about religion or finding religion. I reserve those things for my journal. Play~ 

Anyway, one reason this time of year is so special is because one it takes me to those fun family traditions and the whole excitement of Easter. This year has been extremely special in that I have been able to spend a lot more time with my healing circle mom Sister Marie.

So there are two things to explain. Yes I do belong to a healing circle. I got turned on to it with diagnosis and it has been something of a "warm home" feeling to go in and interact with older women (all 85+ years old) who have no knowledge of who I am or what I've done; but exert all of their spiritual amazingness to me. Second, Sister Marie has a pretty dope living history. A child of a welder, married at 17, first child at 19, dedicated wife, mother and nurse. Lost her husband to cancer and now living in East Flatbush, Brooklyn loving the Lord always. She's seen wars, Martin Luther King, the Civil Rights Movement, Lena Horne and the invention of the tv. Sister Marie (SM) and I got "hooked" to one another when we realized that we were born on the same day! Pause~ There's something awesome about meeting someone born on the same day as you. They have a living history that comes full circle the same day as you but totally different. Play~ This cute 5'4" ball of fire and I also had intense first loves. I mean hers ended in marriage and children and mine ended in debt and tragic sexual encounters. LOL.

Anyway, over the past year she has helped me deal with a lot of things from cancer, to work, to familial disagreements to even feeling lost in love. So this Easter, she ignited something in me that I haven't felt in maybe 3 years -- excitement for a rebirth. How did she do this you ask? Follow the convo between us on Friday evening.

Me: Sister M. What it do boo?

SM: [Annie P] how are you dear? You know how to make a old lady giggle.

Me: Nothing much home from work about to cook some food. Spoke to my mom today too.

SM: That's good. Well Im here. Woke up this morning around 5am and watched channel two and spoke to my grand daughter and then went to the little dance class and now just winding down. Pause~ I love how specific her days are! And she was winding down at 5pm. Ha! Play~ 

Me: Its 5pm. [insert giggle] Well do you need anything? I also want to submit some people to the prayer list but I think I want to come over and talk a little with you.

SM: Sure call me with the names before Wednesday. And talk to me? Why? Talk to Jesus. Pause~ This is always her first response  At first I used ot be offended but then over time I started realizing this was her way of getting me back to faith. Play~

Me: True Jesus is on the mainline; however, I need someone who can actively respond.

SM: Actively respond.

Me: Are you a parrot? You took your medication today?

SM: You are a rude little chubby thing aren't you?

Me: [snickers] Me rude?

SM: You do not need to speak with me. Palm Sunday is on the horizon and we have given you all the Biblical tools you need to talk to Jesus. Now if you want to pass a prayer through me I can do that. I will say I see a great rebirth on the horizon for you. Past surgery and cancer and work. You are on the path to something much bigger than you. But I have to go this phone is doing something. Pause~ It is call waiting. And she always does that to me. Ha! But I go with it. Play~ 

So at the end of the convo I did something I hadn't done in a long time. Busted out my Bible and kind of re-read the passages on Jesus being crucified and His rising. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to actually put that story in perspective along with Sister Marie's words. POWERFUL MOMENT FOR ME!

As a result, once I opened up my mind and heart something wonderful came to me on Saturday. Pause~ Keeping that a secret for now. Play~ 

Anyway happy Holy Week to everyone!

Stay prayed up,
Annie P

Spring Inventory

Watching my flowers bloom computer side and Kanye roars on my Spotify, I am at work kind of taking it all in today! Pause~ This is one of those sit in the moment type moments. So bear with me. Play~ 

Between yesterday and today I started taking a personal inventory of not just materials but everything that make up Annie P. To my surprise, I had great findings. Pause~ I wont bore you all with the list. Its looooonnnnngggg. Play~ However, the biggest finding was that I am totally contented with who I am. Go Figure right? So if you have ever had the pleasure of speaking with me on the regular you've heard me say two things about myself:

1. I am unable to identify with humans that have self esteem issues. Really, its because I am a big black woman who wears glasses and has a personality so big it almost out of this stratosphere.
2. I am outspoken, sometimes funny, a touch nosy with a dash of rude

Keeping these two things in mind, explore the findings with me.

So my "inventory" consisted of re-visiting old blog posts, emails and journal entries and there were so common themes I couldn't deny.

- storytelling

- pink
- cheetah and leopard print
- sequins
- long telephone calls
- sunlight

- love affairs 

- a belly aching laughs

- loss

- friends

- crazy family

Once these themes were identified, something amazing happened! I finally got to classify who I was. Im a drag queen within a gay man trapped in a black womans body! Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ It was like the smoke had cleared, time stood still and the best belly aching laugh came! I literally made myself laugh to the point of shame. All those facts were true. However, the best thing that came from that discovery was the one thing that all the elements of that description captures. 

I'm a trailblazer in my own right!  

See what we as humans tend to think is that we have to do some spell bounding act to be classified a trailblazer. UNTRUE! Trailblazers are those who no matter what stays true to themselves and strives for excellence always. And in my life, I do it! Pause~ There are some negatives to this but we are keeping this positive for the sake of my excitement. Play~ 

With that, I instantly got proud! Pause~ In no way do I do crazy amazing things BUT I do love a good adventure. Play~ I guess there was a reprieve in the future. 

ON A QUEST!

Annie P