Confession: For the past 8 to 10 years I have had issues handling my anger. Literally. Like I would blow up for the most minuscule things and one day it came to a pass when I got in a fight and had to be mandated to anger management classes. Pause~ I know some people can not imagine how this is a problem but its real. Play~ So since the second program I went to I've been good. Like I finally found the correct balance to control my anger. Letting things roll off my back, reaching out to the necessary people to help calm me down.
However, maybe a month ago I started seeing trends of me losing control and it finally all came to a pass yesterday (Sunday). I had a packed Sunday agenda. Pause~ When did Sunday become the new fun day? Play~ And I was supposed to do a myriad of things. However, when the first thing did not go as planned I got infuriated. But I stopped myself quickly and reminded myself everything will be ok. Well fast forward to two additional frustrating events and I completely LOST IT! Pause~ Lost it = could not see past my rage knocked me into a debilitating state that left me home and super on edge. Play~ In realizing how infuriated I was I had no choice but to stay home. It took a debilitating six hours to calm my ass down. SIX HOURS! Let me repeat that again six hours. How ridiculous is that? Totally ridiculous.
Now here we are Monday morning and I am exhausted, feeling so much shame and guilty. I missed so many things and people yesterday. But in all honesty I know that I could not be around people. It would have been a really really bad idea. So I sent around my necessary text messages, emails and made those calls. Everyone was totally cool but I don't know if people know how serious this is for me. Pause~ Some people laughed at me when I made note of it. I think its because they think I'm naturally a joker. But this is real life. I'm losing if I don't regain control. Play~ So I came to work and reached out to the programs that I had been mulling over and emailed two.
In the end, I am deathly afraid of not being able to control this. As well as feeling like a damn basket case. Like how many issues can one person have? Its amazing I can fucking get up and get dressed every morning. FIX IT PLEASE!
Breathing.
Annie P
Monday, August 12, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Deviation to Show Something Interesting
One of my friends sent this link to me and I found it so interesting!
http://fortydaysofdating.com/
What are your thoughts on this?
http://fortydaysofdating.com/
What are your thoughts on this?
Painful Pleasures in the Form of a Love Affair
So I have some explaining to do. In my quest to be a better writer I have been guest blogging for other sites and in fact ignored my own blog. So I apologize to you fine people (all 17 of you) that visit this blog when I post. Ok well on to the post!
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Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.
The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~ There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.
So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.
Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.
Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~
In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.
Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P
---------------------------------------------------
Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.
The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~ There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.
So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.
Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.
Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~
In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.
Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Capturing the moment
So one of my friends suggested I write this post right now as I am still fresh off the news that...
So weird to even see the words written on the screen and know that its related to me! Well let me set the scene for you all. Pause~ I know y'all love me to set a scene. Play~
I wake up feeling noticeable good and get dressed for work. Huff it to the train (since I cant exercise just yet) and then start listening to my iPod and reading my newest love Milan Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being." Run off the train to work (because naturally I'm 3 minutes late) and then get up to my desk and my phone is ringing. Pick it up and here's the conversation.
Me: This is Annmarie
Dr. D: Hi Miss Payne. How are you feeling today?
Me: Dr. D. I'm ok today. Not as much soreness and the swelling is going down. What can I do you for?
Dr. D.: Well we tested your tissues twice and your last ultrasound and you are 100% free.
Me: WHAT?
Dr. D.: Yes! Believe it Annmarie. We are still going to have to do your follow up on June 11th for [insert medical jargon] and you will have your six month check up in November. But I wanted to let you know immediately.
Me: Dr. D. I don't even know what to say. Thank you!
Dr. D.: You are most welcome. Take it easy and call me if you need anything.
Me: Totally.
- sinks in office chair and stares at the screen -
In this moment I have so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, extreme joy, elation, relief and those are just to name a few. But the two words that come to mind are
THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has been there and helped me. So many to thank. So many to reach out to.
But the one thing I will say is that believe in God, trust in yourself and stay as strong as you can!
Annie P!
I AM CANCER FREE OFFICIALLY!
So weird to even see the words written on the screen and know that its related to me! Well let me set the scene for you all. Pause~ I know y'all love me to set a scene. Play~
I wake up feeling noticeable good and get dressed for work. Huff it to the train (since I cant exercise just yet) and then start listening to my iPod and reading my newest love Milan Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being." Run off the train to work (because naturally I'm 3 minutes late) and then get up to my desk and my phone is ringing. Pick it up and here's the conversation.
Me: This is Annmarie
Dr. D: Hi Miss Payne. How are you feeling today?
Me: Dr. D. I'm ok today. Not as much soreness and the swelling is going down. What can I do you for?
Dr. D.: Well we tested your tissues twice and your last ultrasound and you are 100% free.
Me: WHAT?
Dr. D.: Yes! Believe it Annmarie. We are still going to have to do your follow up on June 11th for [insert medical jargon] and you will have your six month check up in November. But I wanted to let you know immediately.
Me: Dr. D. I don't even know what to say. Thank you!
Dr. D.: You are most welcome. Take it easy and call me if you need anything.
Me: Totally.
- sinks in office chair and stares at the screen -
In this moment I have so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, extreme joy, elation, relief and those are just to name a few. But the two words that come to mind are
THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has been there and helped me. So many to thank. So many to reach out to.
But the one thing I will say is that believe in God, trust in yourself and stay as strong as you can!
Annie P!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Post Surgery
So for those who are wondering how I'm looking post surgery here's a terrible shot to give you an idea. Lol
1. I am way more mobile than I thought I would be! Now don't get me wrong it's tiring but I'm up and walking around. I've even shocked most of my family and friends with how mobile and upbeat I am. Pause~ In real life once the doctor told me I could move around my mind went into "heal mode" so I've been super alert. Play~
2. Pain is inevitable. Now even though I'm walking I'm definitely still in pain. It's more pressure and discomfort but there's definitely pain associated.
3. This journey is definitely MY OWN! For weeks prior to my surgery I had begged and pleaded with other survivors from my support group to tell me about their mastectomies and no one would. And now I understand why. It's truly your own journey. Like I'm in pain but not severe pain (thank goodness). I'm mobile but still sore all over. I'm walking but def short of breath. So that's def something to take note of.
4. Support is way key! My support system has been SOLID AND AMAZING! Between my awesome family and beautiful friends I could NOT have made it this far. From visits, to meals, to flowers, to laying in bed with me this has been truly a system that has raised me so high above cancer that I have to LOOK DOWN to see the sadness I endured before.
5. My parents will always struggle to speak about this. The P's are amazing! Lets start there. But I know there's a lot of guilt and sadness there. They still can not speak directly to me about this BUT I do see them reaching outwards for support. So I am accepting that.
Lastly...
NUMBER SIX.....
FITNESS COMPETITION IS IN THE FUTURE ! I have never ever felt more motivated than at this very moment to command this goal. It's coming, I'm doing this and dedicated. Ready or not world it's happening.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Changes & READY!
Blog land...the day came and went for me to see my final progress from all my hard work pre-surgery! (Results below)
(Left: January 2013; Right: April 2013)
Whats totally cool about this "transformation" is that it has been more than a weight loss journey. Naturally weight loss is the overall goal but it turned into a mind, soul and body transformation. Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ When making the decision to get my mastectomy at this ripe twenty something age, I didn't know the repercussions that would come from such a decision. Emotionally, I felt like I had failed at taking care of cancer that I would have to do this. Physically, I was fatigued and over everything that had to do with cancer. Finally, soul/faith was at an all time low! There's nothing worse than thinking that you have no spiritual guidance or backing.
Then it happened on a work trip to DC, I got the call from my doctor about my date options and I sat with my Life Yoda and my Courageous Dancer Pause~More on CD in another post. Play~ and told them what I had just been confronted with. And both ladies wasted no time telling me to stop bitching (literally) and do what I needed.
That next Monday when I was back at home base and I made the call to my trainer aka the Unfat Guru and said "I have this surgery coming up and I need your help." Within the week we had a price and a plan. Now the coolest thing about having my trainer is that he started as a friend. Pause~ Not going to make this sappy promise. Play~ But I say that to say, that UG isn't the best at being a lair. So when I stated my goals and then said "At the end I want to do a fitness competition." He looked at me and said "Umm..really?" Pause~ In no way was he doubting me...but being a fitness master he knows what it takes. And here he was looking at a too big Annie P who was having surgery in months. Play~ But he was totally DOPE! Post my confirmation of said statement he said "Well LETS WORK." He never gave up on me. He never let me negotiate. He never forgave me for bad eating. THAT my friends is a trainer!
So here we are four months later, 6 workouts per week, semi-impeccable eating (def a work in progress) and surgery ready!
In the end, I took a status check on my three faculties (emotional, physical and spirit) and everything pointed to the word READY!
But this post is really dedicated to those folks that always backed me up! You guys never treated me like a cancer patient, supported my fitness goals, stuck around for the insanity and never let me quit! That's what makes this journey/success yours as much as it is mine!
Totally humbled!
Annie P
(Left: January 2013; Right: April 2013)
Whats totally cool about this "transformation" is that it has been more than a weight loss journey. Naturally weight loss is the overall goal but it turned into a mind, soul and body transformation. Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ When making the decision to get my mastectomy at this ripe twenty something age, I didn't know the repercussions that would come from such a decision. Emotionally, I felt like I had failed at taking care of cancer that I would have to do this. Physically, I was fatigued and over everything that had to do with cancer. Finally, soul/faith was at an all time low! There's nothing worse than thinking that you have no spiritual guidance or backing.
Then it happened on a work trip to DC, I got the call from my doctor about my date options and I sat with my Life Yoda and my Courageous Dancer Pause~More on CD in another post. Play~ and told them what I had just been confronted with. And both ladies wasted no time telling me to stop bitching (literally) and do what I needed.
That next Monday when I was back at home base and I made the call to my trainer aka the Unfat Guru and said "I have this surgery coming up and I need your help." Within the week we had a price and a plan. Now the coolest thing about having my trainer is that he started as a friend. Pause~ Not going to make this sappy promise. Play~ But I say that to say, that UG isn't the best at being a lair. So when I stated my goals and then said "At the end I want to do a fitness competition." He looked at me and said "Umm..really?" Pause~ In no way was he doubting me...but being a fitness master he knows what it takes. And here he was looking at a too big Annie P who was having surgery in months. Play~ But he was totally DOPE! Post my confirmation of said statement he said "Well LETS WORK." He never gave up on me. He never let me negotiate. He never forgave me for bad eating. THAT my friends is a trainer!
So here we are four months later, 6 workouts per week, semi-impeccable eating (def a work in progress) and surgery ready!
In the end, I took a status check on my three faculties (emotional, physical and spirit) and everything pointed to the word READY!
But this post is really dedicated to those folks that always backed me up! You guys never treated me like a cancer patient, supported my fitness goals, stuck around for the insanity and never let me quit! That's what makes this journey/success yours as much as it is mine!
Totally humbled!
Annie P
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
I Think Im Working Too Much
So I think Im working too hard or am over worked. Pause~ Is there a difference? Play~ I mean I know that in the real world you have to work to pay bills and live overall but I think I am taking it to the next level. For instance, for the past three months, I have worked late and every weekend. I mean I am used to this usual recruiter grind where you work and travel and fit fun in between. However, this week I am especially drained and not happy. I am literally having a hard time deciding to when to do simple things like sleep!
I could bring this to my boss but I think he is in this "nonprofit" grind mode where he thinks that this is temporary. But in real life its not! I am overworked. Like seriously overworked. I make the necessary decisions like leaving work at 6pm but then I go home and am working until 3am and then up again at 6am to catching those last minute questions from whoever. Pause~ By no means am I comparing myself to other folks that have way harder jobs like attorneys who work like crazy. Nor am I or will I complain about the amount of money because I can live and survive on what I make. Play~ This is getting out of control. And whats really crazy is that when I left my old job and came here I made a solemn promise that I would set boundaries....SERIOUS BOUNDARIES! But here I am, overworked and really not happy with how I have let this job take over my whole life. Ugh there has to be something!!!!
Frustrated, stressed and tired,
Annie P
I could bring this to my boss but I think he is in this "nonprofit" grind mode where he thinks that this is temporary. But in real life its not! I am overworked. Like seriously overworked. I make the necessary decisions like leaving work at 6pm but then I go home and am working until 3am and then up again at 6am to catching those last minute questions from whoever. Pause~ By no means am I comparing myself to other folks that have way harder jobs like attorneys who work like crazy. Nor am I or will I complain about the amount of money because I can live and survive on what I make. Play~ This is getting out of control. And whats really crazy is that when I left my old job and came here I made a solemn promise that I would set boundaries....SERIOUS BOUNDARIES! But here I am, overworked and really not happy with how I have let this job take over my whole life. Ugh there has to be something!!!!
Frustrated, stressed and tired,
Annie P
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