Hard Days

Morning all --

Firstly apologies for the fall off of the blog. Its been a busy, beautiful and hard time (ironic right?!?).

Anyway, before I post anything about the past couple of months, I wanted to put up a post on the current Path I've been on. Pause~ Its been a difficult time with cancer and everything happening at the same time. Play~ So anyway, I've recently found out that cancer is back and it has rocked me to the core. This time around I took another method and had the "life expectancy" conversation with my doctors about it. Really it was more of a "what are we facing moment." Well after much deliberation, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything.

Ok...let me explain. So the reason this decision made sense is because I am at zero. Let me define "zero."

Zero = no faith, strength, ability and/or physical capacity to fight something

Therefore, I decided I needed to rebuild in order to get back to a space where I could fight something as treacherous as cancer. So there we are. Now when telling family and friends no one was happy. But everyone tried to respect my choice. Pause~ The reasoning most came to was that its "[my] life" and I should go about it how I feel. Play~ Well then something miraculous happened, I started to LIVE! And with living came an instant euphoria of things getting better. And then my birthday came and it was amazing! I celebrated and saw and did things I couldn't do.

Fast forward to last night. I met up with two of my friends (one who is leaving NYC) and we got into a conversation about cancer and what I was doing about it. And all of a sudden I went back to a place of sadness. It was no fault to them but it made me realize again how simple my life has become.

Really folks, I know that we try to plan and think ahead but I don't. I'm planning to 42. That's my threshold. If I make it a day past that I will be ever so grateful. And its so weird having that conversation. Like yeah if I make it there I will be golden. Pause~ I'm guessing that's me becoming used to the idea of death and dying. Play~ But yes, that's where I am.

Unfortunately, I have to cut this off because I'm at work but TBC.

Annie P