NOTE: Post dedicated to a man setting up his brand, defining his standards, loving endlessly and taking names along the way! Love you EB!
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So readers I got the most precious bouquet of flowers today from a wonderful couple in the far away place named FLORIDA! Ha! Whats cool about this welcomed delivery is that I have been having a helluva couple days. JEEZ! (no pause and plays today)
Well first off, surgery is approaching and like any cancer patient I'm in an impossible war with my health insurance company. Its like all insurance companies have figured out how to work you over now that they cant drop you because of a pre-existing condition. Now don't get me wrong, I am really grateful for the changes that Uncle Barry aka the Prez has made in this department. Rewind back to 2011 when I was diagnosed and starting my treatment I was dishing out close to $800 per month to pay for meds and doctors visits because my "method of treatment" was not preferential. And based on how shitty this economy is I've had to change jobs. So if I was under the old regime I wouldn't even have insurance. BUT....LORD FADDAH!
So here we are, finally at the decision to get rid of these cancerous mounds and I am on the phone daily asking questions about the costs of anesthesia, hospital stays, saline implants vs. gel silicone implants. Anyway, we reached the day where I would have a formal consultation with my plastic surgeon and upon discussion he tells me what his final costs are. Let me tell you all....this is a scene I will never forget. So let me give you as much as I can via this post.
Saturday, March 16th at 11:47am --
Doctor: Well you are a patient of Dan's; therefore, I am going to take some charges off
Me: Oh great! Whew a break FINALLY.
Doctor: With everything included its [hands over paper] $12,000 total. This includes my time, implants, staff and recovery space.
Me: [mouth drops, falls back in chair, head falls, breathes deep] I respectfully have to seek another consultation
Doctor: I understand its expensive but you can finance the surgery and..
Me: [interrupts him] Apologies I will not take out credit for new breasts.
Doctor: Well I will be sorry to not treat you if you choose another physician
Me: So will I.
I left there and went to the train and sat with my heavy heart and $12,000 estimate and rode the 3 train to my stop. I mean what do you do? What do you say?
The days following were much harder than I thought. I found myself sitting in my bed and thinking too expensive to keep my breasts but too expensive to get them cut off too? Shit. There seems to be no reprieve.
And then....
A BEAUTIFUL ROSE AND LILY COMBINATION BOUQUET SHOWS UP! In a box labeled "PRO FLOWERS" and the note "Just because I care about you."
Simple. Timeless. Needed. Appreciated. Loved.
So there is light at the end of it all huh? Shit I hope so.
Hoping!
Annie P
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Revisiting Things I Must Get Done
Hey world!
Firstly, thank you for the tremendous feedback from the post I put up yesterday! I really wrote that as a letter to myself to immortalize that moment in time. Pause~ Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in sensations and all that; that I lose sight of recording that moment. Play~ So its been awesome to see the overwhelming responses via phone, twitter, the comments and email! I am truly appreciative of this network.
Now on to business....
A while back I wrote a piece called "Things I Must Get Done" and the deadline for all things was December 2012. So lets see what has happened thus far.
To Do
Sell a painting I created.
Join a dance class.
Night out with my fav ladies (like all night!) Times 1,000
Get drunk - wasted. Ugh too many times
Color my hair. Times 3
Learn how to make awesome coffee.
Join yoga/pilates classes.
Take the train more
Have my own library.
Picnic by the riverside.
Spend one day lying in bed and not feel guilty about it. Just do nothing but read great books. Laze about. Ok, cut out the books too. Just be so lazy that laziness gets an entirely new definition. Times one million
Meet Carla Harris Totally Awesome Lady
White water rafting.
Go on a photo-vacation.
Dance in the rain - done that - wanna do again. And did it in the snow too
Get a fabulous job
Master one dish which will be handed down generations
Get one step closer to being Oprah
Scuba diving / snorkeling.
Get over my fear(s).
Relearn maths.
Dance on top of a table. In heels.
Hire a decorator
Firstly, thank you for the tremendous feedback from the post I put up yesterday! I really wrote that as a letter to myself to immortalize that moment in time. Pause~ Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in sensations and all that; that I lose sight of recording that moment. Play~ So its been awesome to see the overwhelming responses via phone, twitter, the comments and email! I am truly appreciative of this network.
Now on to business....
A while back I wrote a piece called "Things I Must Get Done" and the deadline for all things was December 2012. So lets see what has happened thus far.
To Do
Sell a painting I created.
Join a dance class.
Learn how to make awesome coffee.
Join yoga/pilates classes.
Have my own library.
Picnic by the riverside.
White water rafting.
Go on a photo-vacation.
Master one dish which will be handed down generations
Scuba diving / snorkeling.
Get over my fear(s).
Relearn maths.
Dance on top of a table. In heels.
So maybe all of it didnt get done...but we have progress!
Hope your lists are coming true!
Annie P
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A Sweet Departure
Well readers the time has come for me to part with my breasts! Yup you guessed it cancer has led to the eventual mastectomy and reconstruction. Pause~ I am in no way excited. Play~
I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~
So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!
I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
----------------------------
Hello Ladies!
Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.
I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.
I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.
I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.
Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.
From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!
LOVE!
Annie P
I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~
So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!
I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
----------------------------
Hello Ladies!
Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.
I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.
I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.
I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.
Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.
From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!
LOVE!
Annie P
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Realizing Something
So readers it's been a while. But something I vowed in the middle of 2012 was that I would not force the post. However, today some remarkable events occurred.
1. I was thoroughly pissed off! Mostly for the invasion into my workday but more so because I've realised that those who need validation through other people are not my people.
2. I remembered why it's dope to live where I live and experience what I experience. There are very few times in life that someone can say "my city is best" but tonight I got to see Nas interview. Truly profound, dope, funny, nervous, impromptu and everlasting.
I guess through all of that I can say that one of the best commitments I've ever made to myself has been to stay true to my own art! Nas said something amazing tonight -- "How could you lose when you're doing you." TRUE!
I always tell folks that when someone who is self conscious or someone with low self esteem comes to me I have to say upfront "I'm a big black woman with glasses and low self esteem is something I can't identify with." I don't know where my confidence/strength/esteem comes from but I'm happy to be me. So when Nas said it I literally fell back in my chair, shook my head and recorded the quote.
On the ride from the east side to Brooklyn the Marvin Gaye album came on that he recorded post his break up with Barry Gordy's sister and I realised all this time I was wishing serendipity and I had made it. THIS IS MY PATH! Rocky, disheveled, funny, drunken, painful but it's mine.
I know this is something I realise about every six months but that's dope. To come full circle. Everyone be well. Love you and live your art.
Annie P
1. I was thoroughly pissed off! Mostly for the invasion into my workday but more so because I've realised that those who need validation through other people are not my people.
2. I remembered why it's dope to live where I live and experience what I experience. There are very few times in life that someone can say "my city is best" but tonight I got to see Nas interview. Truly profound, dope, funny, nervous, impromptu and everlasting.
I guess through all of that I can say that one of the best commitments I've ever made to myself has been to stay true to my own art! Nas said something amazing tonight -- "How could you lose when you're doing you." TRUE!
I always tell folks that when someone who is self conscious or someone with low self esteem comes to me I have to say upfront "I'm a big black woman with glasses and low self esteem is something I can't identify with." I don't know where my confidence/strength/esteem comes from but I'm happy to be me. So when Nas said it I literally fell back in my chair, shook my head and recorded the quote.
On the ride from the east side to Brooklyn the Marvin Gaye album came on that he recorded post his break up with Barry Gordy's sister and I realised all this time I was wishing serendipity and I had made it. THIS IS MY PATH! Rocky, disheveled, funny, drunken, painful but it's mine.
I know this is something I realise about every six months but that's dope. To come full circle. Everyone be well. Love you and live your art.
Annie P
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Really Good Reads
I have been very fortunate lately to come across some amazing reads. But in general I'm completely obsessed with Patti Smith's "Just Kids" book. The book documents her and Robert Mapplethorpe's love affair and artistic romance in the late 60's through 1989 when he dies.
What makes this my new favorite read of 2012 is that Pattie or P.Smi as I have dubbed her takes you on a poetic journey through her development as an artist through the eyes of love. Pause~ Deep right? I know. And I made that up all by myself! Play~ Now what makes this book amazing is that I can see a lot of my life through the eyes of 23 year old P.Smi. She speaks of love and loss of friends and things.
With this in mind I made a solid list of things that I've both loved and loss on the bus this morning.
Love: people, men, art, painting, cloudy days, Starbucks coffee, dancing, music, expression, passion, unknown, dreaming, working, the feeling of exhaustion, exercise, hair -- long hair, pink, cobalt blue, white girls, love, trees, sunshine, beaches, bus rides, long conversations, family, clutter, comforters and life
Loss: friends, home, money, sleep, men, love, inspiration, zest, therapy, memory, fashion, fucks to give, food, mind space, costumes, understanding, empathy, sex, zest for sex, friendliness, concentration, grandmothers, green spaces, health, creativity, water, vitamins, magazines, political savvy, direction (jeez) and life
Now in no way am I depressed but it was so cool to see what came down on paper. I don't know if it was P.Smi or just my overall feelings but it was nice to review just now. From this list there are tons of things that I desperately want back! Pause~ There are things are more pertinent than others that I realized was gone. Play~ And whats more frightening is that I don't know how I am going to get them back. And in true Annie P form I have no quote to guide the way. But there is some sort of comfort in being lost in the journey. Make sense?
Anyway...today is full of promise. Pause~ I haven't felt this hopeful in a while! Play~ So I implore those who have the time pick up the book.
Love,
Annie P
What makes this my new favorite read of 2012 is that Pattie or P.Smi as I have dubbed her takes you on a poetic journey through her development as an artist through the eyes of love. Pause~ Deep right? I know. And I made that up all by myself! Play~ Now what makes this book amazing is that I can see a lot of my life through the eyes of 23 year old P.Smi. She speaks of love and loss of friends and things.
With this in mind I made a solid list of things that I've both loved and loss on the bus this morning.
Love: people, men, art, painting, cloudy days, Starbucks coffee, dancing, music, expression, passion, unknown, dreaming, working, the feeling of exhaustion, exercise, hair -- long hair, pink, cobalt blue, white girls, love, trees, sunshine, beaches, bus rides, long conversations, family, clutter, comforters and life
Loss: friends, home, money, sleep, men, love, inspiration, zest, therapy, memory, fashion, fucks to give, food, mind space, costumes, understanding, empathy, sex, zest for sex, friendliness, concentration, grandmothers, green spaces, health, creativity, water, vitamins, magazines, political savvy, direction (jeez) and life
Now in no way am I depressed but it was so cool to see what came down on paper. I don't know if it was P.Smi or just my overall feelings but it was nice to review just now. From this list there are tons of things that I desperately want back! Pause~ There are things are more pertinent than others that I realized was gone. Play~ And whats more frightening is that I don't know how I am going to get them back. And in true Annie P form I have no quote to guide the way. But there is some sort of comfort in being lost in the journey. Make sense?
Anyway...today is full of promise. Pause~ I haven't felt this hopeful in a while! Play~ So I implore those who have the time pick up the book.
Love,
Annie P
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