Heart Break

My heart was broken recently. I didnt see it coming. Im still a bit of a mess. This has got to get easier.

What Is A Leader?

Recently I have had a series of blessings come to me. One in the form of solidified friendships. Another in a month of self reflection and last in a new position.

Within the past couple of months I've learned a great deal about blessings and perseverance. However within my new position, I had the unique opportunity to sit down with my CEO. Pause~ I work for a pretty liquid company. So speaking with this man was pretty amazing. Play~ As with any prominent person I poised up and made sure to have questions ready. And post hearing this man tell me about his past and where he sees his future the only question that seemed relevant was "What does it take to be an effective leader?" Pause~ I know many of you can attest to knowing that I am a ball of power and freeness. But the word "leader" can mean so many things. Play~
Well in that moment he completely pause and leaned back in his chair. But not a pause that meant "let me think;" it was a pause that brought a profound silence, almost zen-like, as if he had been waiting to answer this question his whole career. And the answer that did come was something I felt the need to share below.

"A leader must have a following. Do we agree on that? [insert my agreeing head nod] So in order to have a true following there are four principles a leader should have to develop a following. 

1. Develop expertise in your field and learn how to make it better
2. Be empathetic to people
3. Have a vision -- where are you headed?
4. Show certain amount of fortitude 

Understanding these principles is what makes a true leader." 

When he finished I repeated his four pieces and thanked him. As I walked out the meeting I sent my thank you note. And when he answered he said "leadership quality number one achieved." Pause~ big ups to me!!!! Play~

In the end, I wanted to post this because I think that leadership is truly a sense of understanding. Everyone may not see where you are going BUT they usually respect your willingness. And although I get tons of props and praises for surviving and persevering I think that I will make goals to be a better leader. Fortitude can only take me but so far. I want love and expertise to take me the rest of the way. 

Until next time! 

And the day hath arrived...

I've been grappling with what to blog for a few weeks now and it finally happened this morning. Pause~ I swear I have these serendipitous moments where like the sky clears and boom there it is. Play~ 

For the past month I have been in my six month cancer screening. And for weeks I have been trying to keep my emotions in check. Putting it lightly, you sit through a series of blasts to your system, then tons of testing all culminating to the day you get all of your test results. 

So here we are exactly 20 hours from my results on the 20th. and I am going to answer a series of questions I have been asked over the past 29 days. Pause~ Like the nerd that I am I have kept a running list of questions and the answers I've given. Play~ 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you feel physically and emotionally?

Physically its been hard. Some days are better than others. Some days are truly awful. Emotionally, I am trying to keep myself in check. I am trying to stay self aware. But I can not lie, I'm scared shitless. I do not know what to expect. I do not know what can come from this. And the Internet has been my worst enemy. Somethings you should not Google EVER! 

What happens if it comes back unfavorable?

I have no idea. This is the first time Ive experienced anything like this. I am keeping my hopes high but you know if its bad we will just address it as it comes. I'm sure my doctors have a plan in place if something is not really favorable. 

How do you stay positive?

Is there any other option? Sure I could be a total mess but who does that help? I still have to get up and go to work. I have friends to speak to and libations to ingest. Really, I am in a much better state emotionally (even though I'm a mess) and physically than I was when I was first going through this two years ago. 

Why are your nail beds so scary looking?

(snickers) Chemo. Or whatever this shit is I'm being pumped full of. (laughs heartily) I'm embracing this ugly nail bed and owning it. 

Annmarie who the fuck are you? 

You just said it. I'm Annmarie. Your resident drag queen. 

What do you tell your job during this? About this?

I've been really honest about whats going on. In real life, I kind of just put a little white flag out there like "this is going on for the next month so if you see my down at my desk know its not you its this." But I still think its abstract to my work folks cause I am not what they would expect cancer "to look like."

Are you scared?

HELL YES! HELL YES! There is not one single solitary day that goes by that I do not think about what my plan would be if it were to reappear. Like not one day. Its scary. Its stupid to be scared. Its not helpful. But it happens and I will get past it. Well maybe one day.

You see a therapist? Why? You are one of the most balanced people I know.

Girl I have to see one. You think this is easy? This whole situation is moisturized and premeditated [insert burst of laughter among friends]. But for real the most balanced person needs someone to gain perspective from and I need Sheryl. She is everything. She is part of my community.

You don't think its time for you to let Sheryl (my therapist) go? 

NO! I'M NOT LETTING SHERYL BREAK UP WITH ME! I'M NOT READY! She is a part of my community. She can not break up with me. I'm working on it. We went from three times a week to one a week. I'm working on it. 

How did you deal with the passing of your support group member? 

I can not lie it did not go well. I had a meltdown so bad I had to go to my parents house. I did not attend the funeral or burial. I wasn't strong enough for that. Eventually I did go to the grave site and gained some closure. I still have moments where I expect her to call me. However, I've been trying my hardest to not carry that with me through this process. She is not me and I am not her. I will remember her forever though. 

What do you do at your screening? Like to be entertained?

Um its legit like a movie. I really sit there and read some days. Other days I listen to my ipod. Recently King Push (Pusha T) has been really helping me through. Then other days I lead guided instruction with the nursing staff. So last week we learned the art of a proper twerk. [everyone laughed] Nah but for real, I'm hooked up to my jumper cables but I'm not dead. Shit they getting that work when I'm there. 

Who are you speaking to in treatment?

I've actually met this dope white woman who legit sat next to me on day one and asked if she could take off her wig. I of course said "girl yes take that shit off its hot in here." And we've since become fast friends. She is actually a workout junkie and totally dope. Unfortunately, her results are not so good so I haven't seen her in some time. But she was def a breath of fresh air. 

What are you going to do when its over?

Look fucking fabulous and go out! The results will be what they are. I can not change them in that moment. But the night is mine and I'm taking it! 

Relationships? Love?

Just to catch you all up quickly before I dive into the topic...

- To date I have logged ~10,000 travel miles

- Seen 16 cities (some in duplicate)

- Lost a very dear friend to me from my support group

- Lost 6 more pounds

- Did a 175lb dead lift (whoop)

- Shaved one whole minute from my mile time

- Found a totally new friendship with my oldest friend in life

Pause~ These are major updates I know. But not the things actively on my mind. Play~ 

However, this morning I am grappling with the idea of this relationship I am in. Pause~ Since my last post about this love affair I have since taken the plunge and can say I am in full love with this man. Play~ We are separated due to extenuating circumstances at the moment and you guys this shit is HARD! As a short history lesson, I did long distance and separation with "man" back in the day. And there were two things I took from that experience. 

1. I would never do it again

2. If I had to do it again I would have to find peace and love in other areas

So here I am...in a semi-long distance scenario with a man that I am in love with and I am drowning. Pause~ Just to clarify, we are doing everything in our power to make this work. Its definitely a two way street. Play~ But I'm drowning in the world of how do I keep his up? How do I make sure that everyone is happy? 

And to add to it all, in the midst of this aggressive travel schedule I am meeting those suitors who are so relentless. So. Relentless. Ironically, I guest blogged on one of my favorite women's site and it turned into a testimony of "the power of no." Pause~ That post speaks to all the beautiful women I know that can not go outside without a man trying to be in her face. PUH! Play~ And I go into an airport scenario where I am sitting waiting for my flight waiting on a call (well more like hoping for a call) from the love in my life. And while at the airport bar with a glass of wine and a man sits next to me and asks me if he could join me. Pause~ This is not an unusual occurrence for me in any airport. I am a female business traveler and I'm not afraid to admit I am attractive. Play~ 

Anyway, while we are introducing ourselves I immediately open with "My name is...and I have a boyfriend that I love." And he responds with, "Well that's nice but your boyfriend is a fool to let a beautiful woman like you travel alone." For the sake of entertainment and a two hour delay, I continued this conversation. And just as this man started to proposition me to meet him in my next city my darling pops up on my iPhone screen. Pause~ Talk about perfect timing. Play~ In the end, I said no to this gentleman at the bar and as we were parting he says "You must love this man. So tell him I said he's a lucky guy." And I responded with a smile and said "Yup and make sure you take your wedding ring out of your pocket and put it on before your next city." Pause~ I'm not new to this travel game. I can spot a missing ring from a left hand without pause. Play~ 

But those words "You must love this man" have stuck with me. Have I finally fallen in real love again? Its odd. I mean I am taking this one day at a time. And who is to say this will last forever. In real life it could end tomorrow. But its a space I haven't been in in a long time. I'm enjoying it though.

So here's to love and distance,

Annie P

Anger Management - Its Real Out Here

Confession: For the past 8 to 10 years I have had issues handling my anger. Literally. Like I would blow up for the most minuscule things and one day it came to a pass when I got in a fight and had to be mandated to anger management classes. Pause~ I know some people can not imagine how this is a problem but its real. Play~ So since the second program I went to I've been good. Like I finally found the correct balance to control my anger. Letting things roll off my back, reaching out to the necessary people to help calm me down.

However, maybe a month ago I started seeing trends of me losing control and it finally all came to a pass yesterday (Sunday). I had a packed Sunday agenda. Pause~ When did Sunday become the new fun day? Play~ And I was supposed to do a myriad of things. However, when the first thing did not go as planned I got infuriated. But I stopped myself quickly and reminded myself everything will be ok. Well fast forward to two additional frustrating events and I completely LOST IT! Pause~ Lost it = could not see past my rage knocked me into a debilitating state that left me home and super on edge. Play~ In realizing how infuriated I was I had no choice but to stay home. It took a debilitating six hours to calm my ass down. SIX HOURS! Let me repeat that again six hours. How ridiculous is that? Totally ridiculous.

Now here we are Monday morning and I am exhausted, feeling so much shame and guilty. I missed so many things and people yesterday. But in all honesty I know that I could not be around people. It would have been a really really bad idea. So I sent around my necessary text messages, emails and made those calls. Everyone was totally cool but I don't know if people know how serious this is for me. Pause~ Some people laughed at me when I made note of it. I think its because they think I'm naturally a joker. But this is real life. I'm losing if I don't regain control. Play~ So I came to work and reached out to the programs that I had been mulling over and emailed two.

In the end, I am deathly afraid of not being able to control this. As well as feeling like a damn basket case. Like how many issues can one person have? Its amazing I can fucking get up and get dressed every morning. FIX IT PLEASE!

Breathing.
Annie P

A Deviation to Show Something Interesting

One of my friends sent this link to me and I found it so interesting!

http://fortydaysofdating.com/

What are your thoughts on this?

Painful Pleasures in the Form of a Love Affair

So I have some explaining to do. In my quest to be a better writer I have been guest blogging for other sites and in fact ignored my own blog. So I apologize to you fine people (all 17 of you) that visit this blog when I post. Ok well on to the post!
---------------------------------------------------
Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.

The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~  There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.

So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.

Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.

Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~ 

In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.

Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P