Confession: For the past 8 to 10 years I have had issues handling my anger. Literally. Like I would blow up for the most minuscule things and one day it came to a pass when I got in a fight and had to be mandated to anger management classes. Pause~ I know some people can not imagine how this is a problem but its real. Play~ So since the second program I went to I've been good. Like I finally found the correct balance to control my anger. Letting things roll off my back, reaching out to the necessary people to help calm me down.
However, maybe a month ago I started seeing trends of me losing control and it finally all came to a pass yesterday (Sunday). I had a packed Sunday agenda. Pause~ When did Sunday become the new fun day? Play~ And I was supposed to do a myriad of things. However, when the first thing did not go as planned I got infuriated. But I stopped myself quickly and reminded myself everything will be ok. Well fast forward to two additional frustrating events and I completely LOST IT! Pause~ Lost it = could not see past my rage knocked me into a debilitating state that left me home and super on edge. Play~ In realizing how infuriated I was I had no choice but to stay home. It took a debilitating six hours to calm my ass down. SIX HOURS! Let me repeat that again six hours. How ridiculous is that? Totally ridiculous.
Now here we are Monday morning and I am exhausted, feeling so much shame and guilty. I missed so many things and people yesterday. But in all honesty I know that I could not be around people. It would have been a really really bad idea. So I sent around my necessary text messages, emails and made those calls. Everyone was totally cool but I don't know if people know how serious this is for me. Pause~ Some people laughed at me when I made note of it. I think its because they think I'm naturally a joker. But this is real life. I'm losing if I don't regain control. Play~ So I came to work and reached out to the programs that I had been mulling over and emailed two.
In the end, I am deathly afraid of not being able to control this. As well as feeling like a damn basket case. Like how many issues can one person have? Its amazing I can fucking get up and get dressed every morning. FIX IT PLEASE!
Breathing.
Annie P
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