A Sweet Departure

Well readers the time has come for me to part with my breasts! Yup you guessed it cancer has led to the eventual mastectomy and reconstruction. Pause~ I am in no way excited. Play~ 

I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~ 

So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked  Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!

I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
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Hello Ladies!

Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis  What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.

I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.

I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.

I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.

Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.

From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!

LOVE!
Annie P