Confession: For the past 8 to 10 years I have had issues handling my anger. Literally. Like I would blow up for the most minuscule things and one day it came to a pass when I got in a fight and had to be mandated to anger management classes. Pause~ I know some people can not imagine how this is a problem but its real. Play~ So since the second program I went to I've been good. Like I finally found the correct balance to control my anger. Letting things roll off my back, reaching out to the necessary people to help calm me down.
However, maybe a month ago I started seeing trends of me losing control and it finally all came to a pass yesterday (Sunday). I had a packed Sunday agenda. Pause~ When did Sunday become the new fun day? Play~ And I was supposed to do a myriad of things. However, when the first thing did not go as planned I got infuriated. But I stopped myself quickly and reminded myself everything will be ok. Well fast forward to two additional frustrating events and I completely LOST IT! Pause~ Lost it = could not see past my rage knocked me into a debilitating state that left me home and super on edge. Play~ In realizing how infuriated I was I had no choice but to stay home. It took a debilitating six hours to calm my ass down. SIX HOURS! Let me repeat that again six hours. How ridiculous is that? Totally ridiculous.
Now here we are Monday morning and I am exhausted, feeling so much shame and guilty. I missed so many things and people yesterday. But in all honesty I know that I could not be around people. It would have been a really really bad idea. So I sent around my necessary text messages, emails and made those calls. Everyone was totally cool but I don't know if people know how serious this is for me. Pause~ Some people laughed at me when I made note of it. I think its because they think I'm naturally a joker. But this is real life. I'm losing if I don't regain control. Play~ So I came to work and reached out to the programs that I had been mulling over and emailed two.
In the end, I am deathly afraid of not being able to control this. As well as feeling like a damn basket case. Like how many issues can one person have? Its amazing I can fucking get up and get dressed every morning. FIX IT PLEASE!
Breathing.
Annie P
Monday, August 12, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Deviation to Show Something Interesting
One of my friends sent this link to me and I found it so interesting!
http://fortydaysofdating.com/
What are your thoughts on this?
http://fortydaysofdating.com/
What are your thoughts on this?
Painful Pleasures in the Form of a Love Affair
So I have some explaining to do. In my quest to be a better writer I have been guest blogging for other sites and in fact ignored my own blog. So I apologize to you fine people (all 17 of you) that visit this blog when I post. Ok well on to the post!
---------------------------------------------------
Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.
The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~ There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.
So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.
Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.
Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~
In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.
Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P
---------------------------------------------------
Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.
The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~ There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.
So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.
Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.
Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~
In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.
Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)