Satisfaction - Holy Week Turn Up!

I know there are some of you that are shaking your head or laughing hysterically at my "Holy Week Turn Up" title. But here we are on day two/three of this monumental week that culminates to Easter Sunday. No need to re-visit what Easter means to me. I gave you guys all that in the last post. 

However, what is totally awesome about today is...

THE VOTE BY THE SUPREME COURT FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE TO BE LEGAL! 

Pause~ I debated about writing this post but I think we as humans deserve the right to speak on what we believe in. Play~ Most people start these things with "as a black woman" but I can not. So, AS A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD, I can say that I am shocked that we are late to this party as a country, but I digress. What gets me excited about today is that I can witness this paramount decision with a Supreme Court bench that is totally awesome. 

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So here's an admission...Annie P is a huge political nerd! Pause~ I do not speak on politics, sports or religion in open forums because some people can not separate opinion from emotions. But alas here we are. Play~ And this day has been a long time coming since the fight started in that one open hearing (which I happened to be watching on MSNBC) with Beth Robinson of Vermont leading the debate in favor of same sex marriage. It was that day that I decided what my views were on the subject. YES! Let them wed! 

However, as time passes you start to hear both sides of the argument and then you get bored with the banter, the ugly debates, the "mistakes" some politicians when addressing the subject and separation of community. Pause~ I'm not here to grand stand so I will stop here but you get what I'm saying. Play~ 

So back to today...this MONUMENTAL day! In true me form, I wanted to reflect on how amazing I feel. Within said reflection I began to realize that my personal living history is pretty damn dope! Here are some items you all may or may not remember:

1. First elected African American president

2. A tragic war 

3. An actual economic recession/depression 

4. Two new popes 

5. Planned Parenthood vs. Casey (1992)

And here we are today, witnessing one of America's oldest traditions act with two amazing facets. Our first Hispanic and third woman justice (Sonia Sotamayor who I love) and the vote that will change state politics all over this "great land." Admit it...we are living in awesome times! 

So on this Holy Week I have been immersing myself on my Pope Francis Rome services and now this amazing political drama that will affect our children and our children's children! Pause~ I felt like JFK right there. Play~ 

Make sure you guys keep up with the news. 

Happy Holy Week! 

Annie P

A Holy Week Evaluation

Well readers the most precious time of year has arrived -- Holy Week!

For those of you that do not know, Annie P is a traditionalist in a majority of things. Traditional religion (though) has been somewhat of a struggle for me over the years; however, Easter is something that has stuck with me. I love the whole pomp and circumstance of this time of year. From Lent to Palm Sunday to Holy Week...I love it all! Pause~ Fret not this post is not about religion or finding religion. I reserve those things for my journal. Play~ 

Anyway, one reason this time of year is so special is because one it takes me to those fun family traditions and the whole excitement of Easter. This year has been extremely special in that I have been able to spend a lot more time with my healing circle mom Sister Marie.

So there are two things to explain. Yes I do belong to a healing circle. I got turned on to it with diagnosis and it has been something of a "warm home" feeling to go in and interact with older women (all 85+ years old) who have no knowledge of who I am or what I've done; but exert all of their spiritual amazingness to me. Second, Sister Marie has a pretty dope living history. A child of a welder, married at 17, first child at 19, dedicated wife, mother and nurse. Lost her husband to cancer and now living in East Flatbush, Brooklyn loving the Lord always. She's seen wars, Martin Luther King, the Civil Rights Movement, Lena Horne and the invention of the tv. Sister Marie (SM) and I got "hooked" to one another when we realized that we were born on the same day! Pause~ There's something awesome about meeting someone born on the same day as you. They have a living history that comes full circle the same day as you but totally different. Play~ This cute 5'4" ball of fire and I also had intense first loves. I mean hers ended in marriage and children and mine ended in debt and tragic sexual encounters. LOL.

Anyway, over the past year she has helped me deal with a lot of things from cancer, to work, to familial disagreements to even feeling lost in love. So this Easter, she ignited something in me that I haven't felt in maybe 3 years -- excitement for a rebirth. How did she do this you ask? Follow the convo between us on Friday evening.

Me: Sister M. What it do boo?

SM: [Annie P] how are you dear? You know how to make a old lady giggle.

Me: Nothing much home from work about to cook some food. Spoke to my mom today too.

SM: That's good. Well Im here. Woke up this morning around 5am and watched channel two and spoke to my grand daughter and then went to the little dance class and now just winding down. Pause~ I love how specific her days are! And she was winding down at 5pm. Ha! Play~ 

Me: Its 5pm. [insert giggle] Well do you need anything? I also want to submit some people to the prayer list but I think I want to come over and talk a little with you.

SM: Sure call me with the names before Wednesday. And talk to me? Why? Talk to Jesus. Pause~ This is always her first response  At first I used ot be offended but then over time I started realizing this was her way of getting me back to faith. Play~

Me: True Jesus is on the mainline; however, I need someone who can actively respond.

SM: Actively respond.

Me: Are you a parrot? You took your medication today?

SM: You are a rude little chubby thing aren't you?

Me: [snickers] Me rude?

SM: You do not need to speak with me. Palm Sunday is on the horizon and we have given you all the Biblical tools you need to talk to Jesus. Now if you want to pass a prayer through me I can do that. I will say I see a great rebirth on the horizon for you. Past surgery and cancer and work. You are on the path to something much bigger than you. But I have to go this phone is doing something. Pause~ It is call waiting. And she always does that to me. Ha! But I go with it. Play~ 

So at the end of the convo I did something I hadn't done in a long time. Busted out my Bible and kind of re-read the passages on Jesus being crucified and His rising. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to actually put that story in perspective along with Sister Marie's words. POWERFUL MOMENT FOR ME!

As a result, once I opened up my mind and heart something wonderful came to me on Saturday. Pause~ Keeping that a secret for now. Play~ 

Anyway happy Holy Week to everyone!

Stay prayed up,
Annie P

Spring Inventory

Watching my flowers bloom computer side and Kanye roars on my Spotify, I am at work kind of taking it all in today! Pause~ This is one of those sit in the moment type moments. So bear with me. Play~ 

Between yesterday and today I started taking a personal inventory of not just materials but everything that make up Annie P. To my surprise, I had great findings. Pause~ I wont bore you all with the list. Its looooonnnnngggg. Play~ However, the biggest finding was that I am totally contented with who I am. Go Figure right? So if you have ever had the pleasure of speaking with me on the regular you've heard me say two things about myself:

1. I am unable to identify with humans that have self esteem issues. Really, its because I am a big black woman who wears glasses and has a personality so big it almost out of this stratosphere.
2. I am outspoken, sometimes funny, a touch nosy with a dash of rude

Keeping these two things in mind, explore the findings with me.

So my "inventory" consisted of re-visiting old blog posts, emails and journal entries and there were so common themes I couldn't deny.

- storytelling

- pink
- cheetah and leopard print
- sequins
- long telephone calls
- sunlight

- love affairs 

- a belly aching laughs

- loss

- friends

- crazy family

Once these themes were identified, something amazing happened! I finally got to classify who I was. Im a drag queen within a gay man trapped in a black womans body! Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ It was like the smoke had cleared, time stood still and the best belly aching laugh came! I literally made myself laugh to the point of shame. All those facts were true. However, the best thing that came from that discovery was the one thing that all the elements of that description captures. 

I'm a trailblazer in my own right!  

See what we as humans tend to think is that we have to do some spell bounding act to be classified a trailblazer. UNTRUE! Trailblazers are those who no matter what stays true to themselves and strives for excellence always. And in my life, I do it! Pause~ There are some negatives to this but we are keeping this positive for the sake of my excitement. Play~ 

With that, I instantly got proud! Pause~ In no way do I do crazy amazing things BUT I do love a good adventure. Play~ I guess there was a reprieve in the future. 

ON A QUEST!

Annie P

Flower Time

NOTE: Post dedicated to a man setting up his brand, defining his standards, loving endlessly and taking names along the way! Love you EB!
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So readers I got the most precious bouquet of flowers today from a wonderful couple in the far away place named FLORIDA! Ha! Whats cool about this welcomed delivery is that I have been having a helluva couple days. JEEZ! (no pause and plays today)

Well first off, surgery is approaching and like any cancer patient I'm in an impossible war with my health insurance company. Its like all insurance companies have figured out how to work you over now that they cant drop you because of a pre-existing condition. Now don't get me wrong, I am really grateful for the changes that Uncle Barry aka the Prez has made in this department. Rewind back to 2011 when I was diagnosed and starting my treatment I was dishing out close to $800 per month to pay for meds and doctors visits because my "method of treatment" was not preferential. And based on how shitty this economy is I've had to change jobs. So if I was under the old regime I wouldn't even have insurance. BUT....LORD FADDAH!

So here we are, finally at the decision to get rid of these cancerous mounds and I am on the phone daily asking questions about the costs of anesthesia, hospital stays, saline implants vs. gel silicone implants. Anyway, we reached the day where I would have a formal consultation with my plastic surgeon and upon discussion he tells me what his final costs are. Let me tell you all....this is a scene I will never forget. So let me give you as much as I can via this post.

Saturday, March 16th at 11:47am --

Doctor: Well you are a patient of Dan's; therefore, I am going to take some charges off
Me: Oh great! Whew a break FINALLY.
Doctor: With everything included its [hands over paper] $12,000 total. This includes my time, implants, staff and recovery space.
Me: [mouth drops, falls back in chair, head falls, breathes deep] I respectfully have to seek another consultation
Doctor: I understand its expensive but you can finance the surgery and..
Me: [interrupts him] Apologies I will not take out credit for new breasts.
Doctor: Well I will be sorry to not treat you if you choose another physician
Me: So will I.

I left there and went to the train and sat with my heavy heart and $12,000 estimate and rode the 3 train to my stop. I mean what do you do? What do you say?

The days following were much harder than I thought. I found myself sitting in my bed and thinking too expensive to keep my breasts but too expensive to get them cut off too? Shit. There seems to be no reprieve.

And then....

A BEAUTIFUL ROSE AND LILY COMBINATION BOUQUET SHOWS UP! In a box labeled "PRO FLOWERS" and the note "Just because I care about you."

Simple. Timeless. Needed. Appreciated. Loved.

So there is light at the end of it all huh? Shit I hope so.

Hoping!
Annie P

My Saturday

Amen,
Annie P

Revisiting Things I Must Get Done

Hey world!

Firstly, thank you for the tremendous feedback from the post I put up yesterday! I really wrote that as a letter to myself to immortalize that moment in time. Pause~ Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in sensations and all that; that I lose sight of recording that moment. Play~ So its been awesome to see the overwhelming responses via phone, twitter, the comments and email! I am truly appreciative of this network.

Now on to business....

A while back I wrote a piece called "Things I Must Get Done" and the deadline for all things was December 2012. So lets see what has happened thus far.

To Do
Sell a painting I created.
Join a dance class.
Night out with my fav ladies (like all night!) Times 1,000
Get drunk - wasted. Ugh too many times
Color my hair. Times 3
Learn how to make awesome coffee.
Join yoga/pilates classes.
Take the train more
Have my own library.
Picnic by the riverside.
Spend one day lying in bed and not feel guilty about it. Just do nothing but read great books. Laze about. Ok, cut out the books too. Just be so lazy that laziness gets an entirely new definition. Times one million
Meet Carla Harris Totally Awesome Lady
White water rafting.
Go on a photo-vacation.
Dance in the rain - done that - wanna do again. And did it in the snow too
Get a fabulous job
Master one dish which will be handed down generations
Get one step closer to being Oprah
Scuba diving / snorkeling.
Get over my fear(s).
Relearn maths.
Dance on top of a table. In heels.
Hire a decorator

So maybe all of it didnt get done...but we have progress!

Hope your lists are coming true! 

Annie P

A Sweet Departure

Well readers the time has come for me to part with my breasts! Yup you guessed it cancer has led to the eventual mastectomy and reconstruction. Pause~ I am in no way excited. Play~ 

I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~ 

So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked  Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!

I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
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Hello Ladies!

Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis  What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.

I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.

I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.

I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.

Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.

From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!

LOVE!
Annie P