A Letter to a Friend

As the year passes all of you have been on the journey with me via dates, break ups, triumphs, happy moments, loss and failure. However, what I have neglected to say through all of that is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Pause~ There will be no “pause” and “plays” today. Play~

Over the course of the year, some of my closest friends have been put to the test as well. Whether it be sickness, loss of a job or love. However, on Monday I received the best news that came in the form of a phone call. At about 6PM, I received a call from one of my bests that stated they had received a DREAM of a job offer. And of course in true Annie P fashion, I immediately (well sort of) jumped up off the bed and screamed “CONGRATULATIONS.” Now what was odd about that one moment was that my friend was so overwhelmed by the news all he could say was “thank you.” For the fifteen minutes that followed, I sat on the phone explaining how it was “ok” to be overwhelmed. And he finally agreed and then…thanked…me! Such a surreal moment to sit on the phone with such an accomplished and strong man and he offer me a thank you for simply “being there.”

It’s such an amazing moment when you realize that one, you have amazing friends and two, they are humble to boot. Post that conversation, I found myself taking five minutes to sit in the living room and just…well…sit. I thought about a myriad of things – how grateful I am that the prayers and long talks have worked, how thankful I am to be fighting off whatever demons are coming at me and how awesome life is. And then, the weirdest thing happened, I started to feel overwhelmed myself. I sat there and didn’t know what to do next. All I felt was a wave of emotion but not for me…for my friend. He had quintessentially reached the “light” at the end of the tunnel. All those trials and tribulations, all the struggle had culminated to a wonderful double entendre of success and a sweet ending of struggle!

In all, I guess I realized that all the complaining I do is merely silly. It is simply my turn to struggle. This is my time to go through it all and then come out on the other side a winner. So to my GREAT friend CONGRATS AGAIN! And thank you for the wonderful knowledge you have impressed upon me. Nothing is too great…nothing is too much….the only thing that is left is strength!

Until next time,

Annie P

Friday...

Today is Friday. A big day in my week for the simple fact that I made it through another week. What am I doing this weekend...home in bed. That's the life I'm living.

Love for today: Simplicity and thoughts of grandeur.

Until Monday!
Annie P

Therapy

So readers, I have begun going to see a therapist. Pause~ Note: I'm not clinically depressed or something crazy. Play~ The reason for going to see said therapist happened because I started seeing myself drifting away from the original Annie P.

When listing one of my "good" characteristics, the one thing I like to believe is that I am a caring individual. Pause~ I use caring because this is something I have heard others say about me. Play~ However, over the past year my genuine feelings/emotions have all drifted away. And in a nutshell, within the past 12 months I have become so detached that I can not get worked up or emotional about anything. Pause~ Most people I have told about this, have said that I should see it as a "blessing" BUT I know that its not. Play~

Whats crazy about this new trait of mine is that I didn't come to realize it until one of my old friends told me that she had noticed it for quite some time and was able to list examples. With the passing of my family member - I was very matter of fact about it. With the new development in my health - again no tears, just this is what it is. Pause~ By no means am I "ok" with either event but I did treat it as another symbolic shoe that has dropped. No emotion, no tears, just another day. Play~ So when she pointed this out to me and members of my family agreed; I decided it was time to get myself in order. So here we are, three intake sessions later, and four appointments and I have my own therapist.

Background on said therapist who we shall name Dr. M. He Pause~ By no stretch of the imagination did I EVER think I would be seen by a man! In my mind I always thought I would end up with an African American woman, a little older and married. So this was a shock. Play~ So he is around 30, FINE (yes I said FINE), very smart and an overall chill guy. My first session with him some time ago was awesome. He was able to call me out on my bullshit and basically make me talk about what was really going on. Pause~ Real shocker! I can be very surface with new people so first session in and he had me going. Play~

So as the weeks have passed, we have been having great sessions (even in my weak state) to discuss what is going on and address some new coping skills. Now I know you must be wondering why I am writing this post. Well, I really wanted to let you all know three things.

1. Annie P is on the road to ok! Some days are worse than others but I'm making it.
2. On this path to becoming a better person, I wanted to let you all in on the things that is helping me along 
    the way
3. The real reason why I haven't been blogging as much.

So on to reason three. The blog posts have halted because I have nothing to say. Pause~ Can you believe that? Play~ I never thought that when one becomes emotionally withdrawn the thoughts just stop. And consequently that's what happened to me. Therefore, as the feelings disappeared, I decided I couldn't possibly get on a blog and speak about things I love, or men I'm dating or even other relationships I'm cultivating. In my mind, a relationship, thought or sentence with no feeling is...well nothing.

So here we are, the continuation of a quest to discover all the things that I love!

Rebuilding,
Annie P

Last Days...

I know its unusual for me to blog on a weekend but today marks the last day of something epic in my life. Well world..."man" has finally moved. Pause~ It has been a long haul and I thank all those who have been on this tireless journey with me. Play~ And in retrospect the separation wasn't as I thought it would be BUT its clear for my sanity it had to happen.

You know the old saying "hindsight is always 20/20"..well I'm in full hindsight mode. Yesterday afternoon as he packed the smaller items and then bagged the remaining clothes I started to remember those happy times we had. Pause~ "man" and I had been together for 10 years. So its easy to fall into those moments. Play~ And upon watching the last piece of paper and final shirt go into a bag I realized we had finally reached the end of a long tireless journey. Now post him leaving, I felt a wave of emotions. The first was overall excitement. I mean who wouldn't be elated!?!? I had finally cleansed him physically out of the space. Then the second and third emotion that followed was fear and overall uncertainty. Pause~ As stated in previous posts there has been a great deal going on health-wise with me. So it has been a long scary road that continues. Play~

However, moving past those feelings were simple and somewhat effortless. And upon thinking about it I realized that I had finally done it. I'M...COMPLETELY...OVER.."MAN." Like OVER HIM! No more anger, no more hurt, no more worry...just FREEDOM from those emotions. So like most recent Sundays , I came over to my moms house to let her look over some things and discuss the weeks health happenings. And I told her about "mans" move. And she immediately pointed to my ring finger on my right hand. Below is how the conversation went.

Mom: So he's gone and its over why are you still wearing that ring?

Annie P: Because its mine.

Mom: But that's a symbol of something that is no longer. It doesn't even fit anymore. Somethings are inherent [Annie P]

Annie P: So mom what I am supposed to wear on this finger? Pause~ I rarely change my jewelry hence the question. Play~

Mom: You want a ring? I have one sitting in my room waiting for you. Pause~ Yikes wasn't expecting that answer. Play~

Annie P: Oh...ok..well give it to me.

- End Scene -

As you can tell I wasn't prepared for that answer from her. I was thinking that she would just say "when you are ready to take it off you can take it off." However, in true Mrs. P fashion she cut me right at the ankles and put a new beautiful ring on my finger. Pause~ This is the part I love about my mother. She has no time for the nurturing aspects that most people do. When shes finished with something she is finished. Play~ So I'm now wearing this gorgeous ring from my moms hand and I have now realized...I have reached the end. These past two days are in fact the last days of something that needed to end a while ago.

In conclusion, I guess I have realized that in any break up there are hard times but when you reach the end you are at peace. However, the peace that you (or at least I) thought would come was not a hands up, fist opening moment. Instead it was a quiet apartment and a beautiful ring. Hmm who would have thought.
Well happy Sunday loves! Until tomorrow's post!

Annie P

"I Can Not Be Destroyed"

So readers the best things happened to me today. And in an effort to keep things streamlined Pause~ not feeling to great Play~ please see the below bullets.

• Read "New York" magazine today and there was a profile done on Martha Stewart and her "fall" post her insider trading fo-pah. Pause~ I'm still in disbelief that Martha aka the goddess of home goods could make such a poor decision about money. Play~ And throughout the profile, the writer exposes a woman that has made some terrible decisions but also believes 1000% in her brand and what it brings to the masses. At one point in the article, Martha is asked the question "What have you learned from this experience?" and her emphatic answer was "I can not be destroyed!" Upon reading that I literally paused on the train. What an epic answer! Through all her trials and tribulations, the one notion she came to was that she, Martha Stewart, recognizes her worth and refuses to be moved. So in that regard readers, I'm taking a piece from her wisdom and revitalizing myself.

• While in court today Pause~ Don't ask Play~ I received an email from my awesome cousin from a blog she frequents called "The Daily Love." Pause~ Please subscribe to this blog. Its overall awesome! Nothing bad to say about Mastin and his words of wisdom. Play~ So this article was focused on how we, humans, date based upon current self esteem. And the overall take away was that if you do not know your worth then you will simultaneously date way outside of your realm because you think you cant do any better. Pause~ I know not like ground breaking BUT what are the chances that these two pieces of literature would land in my mailbox and my inbox on the same day. Play~ So upon reading Mastin's thoughts of course I reflected on my time with "man" and the ending. And I just decided I'm tired of the whole damn thing. I'm tired of the story, I'm tired of the break up, I'm tired of the questions and its just damn well time to move the hell on! UGH!

Well now that these two things have happened, I have catapulted myself into a three step process to better living overall.

1) Cleansing out the bad - A while ago I had "cleansed" the bad friendships out of my life. And in that regard I have been able to identify my good friends versus associates. However, as I tend to do normally, I forgot to purge bad relationships. Pause~ I know you all must be thinking what is the difference. But sad to say there is one. Bad friendships are those friends that you choose to cut off because they have piss poor judgement. But bad relationships tend to be those individuals you keep around because of comfort, love, lust and/or whatever other items. And I'm sad to say, but I still have some of those people around. Play~ So from this day forward its time to PURGE.

2) Getting my spirituality on - The funny thing about this bullet is that my relationship with God was never lost. However, I have begun to slack. And as things got "right" in my life I def figured "ok Annie P time to come up off this obsession and put our sites on something else." And while that was "okay" at the time, I definitely let it slide all the way off. Pause~ There have been drastic things happening in my life but I'm still a believer in "free will." Therefore, I have been willing myself to be better overall but haven't looked into my divine intervention. Overall, there is a difference with being grateful and making sure to thank the Creator all around. Play~ So on that regard, I have begun to fast. For those who do not know, August denotes Ra Madam in the Muslim culture. So along with one of my co-workers (who is Muslim) I am following the tradition and fasting. Pause~ I am not converting BUT I am taking heed to the prayer times and eating rituals. Play~ Overall, the experience is very powerful. As intelligent as I can be so wrapped up in life and my own problems that I have ignored the simple things necessary to survive. So this experience is making me very cognisant of that.

3) Getting it together - Well this is a no brainer. Its time for me to move forward with my career. Pause~ For those who do not know, I am a master at trying EVERYTHING. If its a game changer, I probably will invest myself into experiencing it. Play~ So on this regard, I have given myself six months to get things in shape. I need to make these applications/business moves/development opportunities happen. Its time to make sure that I have things in order. So that's that on that.

In the end readers, I know I make a great deal of proclamation on things that need to be done. However, the one thing I love about being human is that you can always re-invent yourself! And I'm not at a point of re-invention Pause~ I feel like that happened when I was serial dating ::shudders:: Play~ but rather I am at a point of refinement. So stick around for the journey. Its definitely going to be something worth reading about!

The new and improved...Annie P

PS. If anyone else wants to join in please do so! I would love to hear about your progress as well!