A Sweet Departure

Well readers the time has come for me to part with my breasts! Yup you guessed it cancer has led to the eventual mastectomy and reconstruction. Pause~ I am in no way excited. Play~ 

I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~ 

So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked  Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!

I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
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Hello Ladies!

Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis  What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.

I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.

I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.

I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.

Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.

From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!

LOVE!
Annie P

Dreaming of walking there. Book in hand. Love in sight. Ever second. Every minute. 

Realizing Something

So readers it's been a while. But something I vowed in the middle of 2012 was that I would not force the post. However, today some remarkable events occurred.

1. I was thoroughly pissed off! Mostly for the invasion into my workday but more so because I've realised that those who need validation through other people are not my people.

2. I remembered why it's dope to live where I live and experience what I experience. There are very few times in life that someone can say "my city is best" but tonight I got to see Nas interview. Truly profound, dope, funny, nervous, impromptu and everlasting.

I guess through all of that I can say that one of the best commitments I've ever made to myself has been to stay true to my own art! Nas said something amazing tonight -- "How could you lose when you're doing you." TRUE!

I always tell folks that when someone who is self conscious or someone with low self esteem comes to me I have to say upfront "I'm a big black woman with glasses and low self esteem is something I can't identify with." I don't know where my confidence/strength/esteem comes from but I'm happy to be me. So when Nas said it I literally fell back in my chair, shook my head and recorded the quote.

On the ride from the east side to Brooklyn the Marvin Gaye album came on that he recorded post his break up with Barry Gordy's sister and I realised all this time I was wishing serendipity and I had made it. THIS IS MY PATH! Rocky, disheveled, funny, drunken, painful but it's mine.

I know this is something I realise about every six months but that's dope. To come full circle. Everyone be well. Love you and live your art.

Annie P

Really Good Reads

I have been very fortunate lately to come across some amazing reads. But in general I'm completely obsessed with Patti Smith's "Just Kids" book. The book documents her and Robert Mapplethorpe's love affair and artistic romance in the late 60's through 1989 when he dies.

What makes this my new favorite read of 2012 is that Pattie or P.Smi as I have dubbed her takes you on a poetic journey through her development as an artist through the eyes of love. Pause~ Deep right? I know. And I made that up all by myself! Play~ Now what makes this book amazing is that I can see a lot of my life through the eyes of 23 year old P.Smi. She speaks of love and loss of friends and things.

With this in mind I made a solid list of things that I've both loved and loss on the bus this morning.

Love: people, men, art, painting, cloudy days, Starbucks coffee, dancing, music, expression, passion, unknown, dreaming, working, the feeling of exhaustion, exercise, hair -- long hair, pink, cobalt blue, white girls, love, trees, sunshine, beaches, bus rides, long conversations, family, clutter, comforters and life

Loss: friends, home, money, sleep, men, love, inspiration, zest, therapy, memory, fashion, fucks to give, food, mind space, costumes, understanding, empathy, sex, zest for sex, friendliness, concentration, grandmothers, green spaces, health, creativity, water, vitamins, magazines, political savvy, direction (jeez) and life

Now in no way am I depressed but it was so cool to see what came down on paper. I don't know if it was P.Smi or just my overall feelings but it was nice to review just now. From this list there are tons of things that I desperately want back! Pause~ There are things are more pertinent than others that I realized was gone. Play~ And whats more frightening is that I don't know how I am going to get them back. And in true Annie P form I have no quote to guide the way. But there is some sort of comfort in being lost in the journey. Make sense?

Anyway...today is full of promise. Pause~ I haven't felt this hopeful in a while! Play~ So I implore those who have the time pick up the book.

Love,
Annie P

Taking Me Time

Morning readers.

So I come to you all with a new sense of purpose today. I had a great night/morning. I've started a longer hair journey post seeing my moms long hair when she was younger. Pause~ Mrs. P was a fancy little thing when she was younger. Homemade polka dot dresses and glasses. She was a boss. Play~ And so I have decided to get longer hair. So with the help of my new hair dresser and some tips I know about doing my hair I am on the way. So last night was a major success in that department.

Other than that I have been exercising as well. So Miss P was diagnosed with high cholesterol. In an effort to not take any medication I'm making sure to exercise and watch my diet. Pause~ I have been doing these things BUT once I gave up meat because of cancer, I started to eat more cheese etc. Which as we all know his high in salt. Play~ So my exercise regimen has def left me feeling more energized etc.

But the reason for this post has more to do with me taking some Annie P time. I didn't realize how much I had been cheating myself until the past three weeks. Once I made this decision to get more me time in its been a saving grace. Getting up a little early to exercise, cook breakfast and just sit. This morning, I was fortunate to get in a 35 minute conversation with my mom. Pause~ My mom is a celebrity apparently. I can never get her on the phone in the evening. So we have resorted to morning phone calls since she is West Indian and is up at 5AM. Play~ It was truly a great time. We talked, laughed and caught up and I revealed that I had a lot of her possessions (ugh by accident). LOL.

So in the end, I implore you all to take some time for you! However you can! Mornings can be excessive for most but at least take an hour in the evening to really get into it. Its def a process.

Have a wonderful day darlings!

Annie P

Testimony Time

Hey world!

Its been a while I know. There has been a new change in the life of Annie P. Pause~ Nothing to do with a man or kids (sorry mom). Play~ I am no longer a part of the financial industry and back in the nonprofit world. Pause~ For those of you that know the difference, you know that this is a healthy and substantial life change. Play~

Anyway that work change has been cool and I am having a great time getting my strategic and creative juices flowing. And whats cool about this, is that inspiration comes from everywhere. For instance, one of my initiatives was born off of a NYT article about an ad company giving their employees "space" for any type of creativity that related to the company. Pause~ In being totally random, it always great to read and relate back to my life. Play~ So that has been cool.

But here is the testimony!

Testimony

I was on gchat with a friend of mine that we shall name "Life Yoda" Pause~ There are some people in your life that just have some sort of intuitiveness that you cant ever replace. This is Life Yoda (LF). She is so damn intuitive about life and issues. Always can break it down and shine light. And over the years I find her outlook totally invaluable. Play~ So we were talking about difficult friendships and I posed the following question.

Is a friendship with boundaries really a true friendship?

The reason I asked this question is because I believe myself to be a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/mentee/mentor. Pause~ Lets be clear that the word "good" is totally objective to who/what you are talking about; but follow me. Play~ So when I think of my friendships I want them to be as pure as possible. Meaning we can have NO boundaries and talk about everything. Now don't get me wrong, I speak with my circle about everything. BUT its interesting to understand that out of those that I call close friends 2 or 3 have boundaries where I have to remember to stop myself on certain topics. Its weird. Pause~ I know that some may read this and say "that's why I have one bff" but I'm posing this in terms of your friendships overall. Play~

So I'm putting this out to the blog universe. What say you?

Annie P

Friends

The coolest thing about friendship is when you see it come together. Today we went to a housewarming for one of our girlfriends from college. Of course we took the journey to New Jersey but it was more than that. She was excited to share her new home and progressive relationship. One thing that I really love is when my friends are moving forward. And to be there in that special moment is and was the most amazing. 

In the end it makes me wonder what else the future has in store for us. We are surely going to see many more amazing times but also support exists in every sense of the word. A salute to the wonderful friends in my life.