Men Men…Man!

(no pause and plays today)

There is a friend I’ve had for a while now and for the purposes of this post we will name him “Music.” Music and I met while I was in college. The funny thing about our meeting is that it wasn’t even me that he met first. He was genuinely interested in one of my close friends and we met and kind of clicked! So while in college Music and I just kind of meshed in many many many ways (ha!). We had a lot in common and learned a lot from one another; at least I like to think so.

However, as things go…college ended and I moved back to NYC and he stayed in Nashville and we were separated. No more late night talks, partying or just laying about. ::insert sad face:: But the great thing about Music is that he and I never let the distance kind of push us apart. As cliché as it sounds, we would go months without talking and someone would call/text and then the updates would just flow.

Fast forward, six years into our friendship (jeez) and like anything else, life got in the way and we went a forever long time  without connecting. Now, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I really thought about who I would want to tell. Not for the sake of just telling but who did I really care about that I would share something so scary. And surprisingly Music was one of those people I just had to tell.

So as life would have it, I sent him that faithful facebook message and he texted and I confessed about my illness. And magically, the love came oozing through. And while the love never stopped, I can tell that we both reassessed that our friendship needed to be more “dependable” and/or “consistent.” So as the wonderful man he is, he has tried to text and/or call as often as he can.

So the overall reason for this long post is that as I’ve stated I try not to keep a lot of men in my circle of friends. However, there are some men that just need to stick around. As a result, I am so thankful, grateful, ecstatic, amazed and blessed for a wonderful friend that I have in Music. He is my muse!

So readers, recognize that man/men that change your life. They need praise too!

Grateful!

Annie P

Awesome Nights

So blog world, I have been keeping a secret from you all this time and it rests in the form of five women that I have come to cherish dearly over the past year. These women....these women...

So as some background I've known two for more than half my life and the other three kind of fell in my lap. Either way they have become part of my past, present and future. Pause~ Some people have come in my life quickly and left just as fast. So this is a nice change of pace. However, I will say that I want to reconnect with two friends in particular but I'm working on that slowly but surely. Play~ Well we decided to do a secret Santa this year and it was a simple drawing of names and we each bought each other a gift (duh as secret Santa's go). But what was interesting was that, we came together updated, spoke of goals and ended the night with a "thankful" tone for eventually meeting/communicating with one another.

What makes this union totally random and amazing is that it started with ONE email chain. Literally, I decided that I needed a space where I could vent about the good and bad. And I brought it up with one of the girls and we decided to make it a daily thing. Now we are 143 days later and countless email chains and I literally can not imagine my life without these girls in it.

As a result, I want to say that most people are unsuspecting. Some come in as an aberration and others come in and just take over subconsciously. I don't know how it happened but it did and I'm forever grateful.

Merry Christmas!

Annie P

Finding Peace...Again

There is a funny story that my dad once told me about finding peace in life. Unfortunately, I do not remember the story word for word but the resounding theme was that when it comes to trying to find peace you have to isolate the good, recognize the bad and work through it all. Pause~ My dad has always been an avid reader which rubbed off on me at an early age. So I remember him telling me this story when I was about 15 and I never truly saw the value until I was about 19. Play~  So here we are, on the Wednesday before Christmas and I feel like I'm in the fight of my life to find peace.

Yesterday was indeed a trying day. Between work, home and personal relationships it was an emotionally draining compound day. However, in waking up this morning, I meditated Pause~ This is my "new" old thing that I do to bring myself some sort of moment of quiet outside of sleep. Which has also not been happening. Play~ And after meditating I finally started to feel some semblance of needing to find more and more and more peace. Now whats crazy about identifying this feeling is that I have NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN GO ABOUT IT!

So like any normal type A personality, I arrived at work and literally Googled "peace tactics." And even in that search I have been severely overwhelmed with the options. My usual tactics when I need to relax is to run away from my life for a weekend. But due to some looming work trips that's not going to happen.

That's that in a nutshell. Annie P is looking for peace...again! And then it makes me wonder if I ever really found it in the first place?

Ugh,
Annie P

Annoyed

Yeah so this week of holiday goodness has me thoroughly annoyed for the following reasons.

Work
- Ok so there is a lot going on with the structure of the team I am on now. Nothing crazy but enough to make you think "how the hell is everything falling this way towards me?" Pause~ I work hard at what I do. I don't complain because I love what I do. But this is out of control. Play~ So here we are, Monday, and I am just annoyed at all the mundane shit that I have to do. And not only do I have to do all the mundane shit but I have to do all my real work on top of that. Jesus be an assistant.

Love
- Well Ruckfield and I are still fighting. Pause~ Not really fighting but me kind of drifting to a realm of "I see this ending" which is no place for Annie P to be. Play~ At this junction in his life there are external things happening that he is not happy with. So as an easy out he is using me as the scapegoat. Well if that's the case, then I am going to mentally prepare myself to be pissed off and just not care anymore. Which is so not right because he had been so awesome through the whole cancer scenario. But I feel like if I am just a punchline then I cant be with someone like that. Its not ok to be someones punching bag and I learned that a long time ago from "man." So that's that all together.

Life
- So I have reached the pinnacle point in life where its fight or flight. And at this point I think I'm almost to the flight stage. I think that through this past year there has been a great deal of bad and a nice amount of good that has occurred. But really, with all the "life" things that have been popping up really I want to sit in the bed and just not move for a couple days. I don't know when/if this will ever occur but a girl can hope.

Other than that I have an immense to do list that I have been unsuccessful at knocking off.

- Mailing my donated present
- Finishing up my Xmas shopping (sidebar: SO HARD THIS YEAR)
- Organizing my NYE plans
- Cooking (ugh)
- Sleeping!

So yeah I'm a mess and annoyed and just overall pissed off.

Annie P

First Fight

Well readers Ruckfield and I are having our first real fight.

The funny thing about this is that we have had disagreements in the past that have lead to not talking etc. But really this time we are fighting but ironically...its totally silent. Pause~ Weird but true Play~

So the argument is about the level of attention he is receiving from me.  And really the attention thing I can understand because in the beginning of our courtship, I was dealing with the most tremendous conflict...Cancer. However, in the past three to four weeks things have changed remarkably in my health. Pause~ There are still bad days but more good/great days are appearing. Play~ So upon that turn in events I think that Ruckfield felt that I should have bounced right into the doting girlfriend mode.

Now what is interesting about this is that through the whole breast cancer thing...I completely lost myself. So now that we are doing better and feeling better I'm just trying to get back to the me I remember. I've started taking pictures again, writing and trying to get back to those things I really loved doing. I miss my friends that I used to hang out with...that I retreated from. However, I am able to recognize that as things change for me I have to make sure that I am including him. So in hindsight, I am to blame for this. The question I now have to face is...how do I make this better?

In all of the conversations or lack there of that we have been having, I know that I am now fighting an attitude of indifference on his end. Pause~ I am the master of indifference. That is my safe space. I know how to work that space very very well! As a matter of fact I am not afraid to dub myself "Queen of Indifference." Play~  Therefore, I don't know if I have the fight in me to really push past that. I want to (ideally I really care about this man) but so I have the energy or the foresight to really break those barriers? The reason I ask is because I know how indifference roles. Its more of a tipping scale. If something really good happens they fall to that side. However, if something really bad happens they fall to the other. There is no "gray" in the world of indifference. So with that added pressure its one of those...damned if you do or damned if you don't.

So readers...I guess I'm reaching out for advice. Let me know what you think I should do? Is it worth it?

Eh,
Annie P

New Feelings...New Projects

Good morning readers! I have been gone...I know. But I took a hiatus to come back positive and on track!

So there are some developments and some just overall improvements.

1. We are in full blown breast cancer remission! Last ultrasound was amazingly clear and I have been cleared
    to exercise. Pause~ We have some work ahead but its great for it to be gone! Play~
2. I have decided to write a "something" about my journey with cancer. Pause~ Although a blip through
    the blog, it has been a long process of everything you can think of. And although I may never
    publish it formally, I think I will pass it along for those who are interested to read. Play~
3. Me and Ruckfield are madly in love. He met the family on Thanksgiving. And it was nice for him
    to be there and interact. He generally had a good time and everyone seemed to like him. Elizabeth Taylor
    and her husband were not present but they usually don't care to meet people I'm dating anyway. Pause~
    Its a shock and a wonderful development. So Christmas here we come. Play~
4. Me and "man" have started to mend our friendship. Its been an interesting change. Pause~ Recently, it
    became clear that we are still amazing friends and we are trying to make that work. We are not
    hanging out everyday but we are making a conscious effort to be cordial. Play~
5. The P. family is alive and well!
6. Baking is in full swing! My first round of holiday cookies came out "yummy" according to my niece and
    nephew.

In the end, things are moving along. One of my favorite things about this time of year is that your bank account doesn't matter nor does the amount of things you have. But more so the family and friends you have around you.

Merry Christmas!
Annie P