First Fight

Well readers Ruckfield and I are having our first real fight.

The funny thing about this is that we have had disagreements in the past that have lead to not talking etc. But really this time we are fighting but ironically...its totally silent. Pause~ Weird but true Play~

So the argument is about the level of attention he is receiving from me.  And really the attention thing I can understand because in the beginning of our courtship, I was dealing with the most tremendous conflict...Cancer. However, in the past three to four weeks things have changed remarkably in my health. Pause~ There are still bad days but more good/great days are appearing. Play~ So upon that turn in events I think that Ruckfield felt that I should have bounced right into the doting girlfriend mode.

Now what is interesting about this is that through the whole breast cancer thing...I completely lost myself. So now that we are doing better and feeling better I'm just trying to get back to the me I remember. I've started taking pictures again, writing and trying to get back to those things I really loved doing. I miss my friends that I used to hang out with...that I retreated from. However, I am able to recognize that as things change for me I have to make sure that I am including him. So in hindsight, I am to blame for this. The question I now have to face is...how do I make this better?

In all of the conversations or lack there of that we have been having, I know that I am now fighting an attitude of indifference on his end. Pause~ I am the master of indifference. That is my safe space. I know how to work that space very very well! As a matter of fact I am not afraid to dub myself "Queen of Indifference." Play~  Therefore, I don't know if I have the fight in me to really push past that. I want to (ideally I really care about this man) but so I have the energy or the foresight to really break those barriers? The reason I ask is because I know how indifference roles. Its more of a tipping scale. If something really good happens they fall to that side. However, if something really bad happens they fall to the other. There is no "gray" in the world of indifference. So with that added pressure its one of those...damned if you do or damned if you don't.

So readers...I guess I'm reaching out for advice. Let me know what you think I should do? Is it worth it?

Eh,
Annie P