The man or the resume

Morning all! So last week was a trying one in that I was feeling lonely and just not up to par.

As with anything recently I have been kind of dealing with it. Which as most of you may know is not like me. So anyway I went to see Dr. M and we had a thorough conversation about my emotions and overall threshold. Well let's just say that conversation did not end well. I left feeling angry and low. Not because of what he said but because I thought my healing was further along and it actually had/has a long long way to go.

Well post that I went out with my girls aka pieces of my friend circle. Pause~ These women are amazing! They can and do make me feel 12 feet tall always. Play~ Well I brought up that there had been an idea that had been plaguing me. When falling "in love" who do I fall for...the man or the resume? Pause~ This all plays into the loneliness factor addresses above. Play~

See I went on a man sabbatical and its been great. I haven't really yearned for the comfort of a man BUT it's clear that my complete abstinence from men has not been the right one. So fast forward and I asked most of the winner at work and in the circle. And it was a shock to hear how many women said "the resume."

I'm not sure if I was shocked because of the admission or the fact that I was raised to love people. So it was odd to hear so many women say they would want to know "the man had a promising job" than if he was interesting and could teach you something.

So I brought this to my dad...and of course he called me a child of the sun. Pause~ HA! Play~ Not at all sure what that means but I guess it should explain. In the end, I'm proud to say I would live to know the man. But who knows if that's right. Ugh life is so hard some times.

Annie P

Icarus

So in Greek mythology Icarus is the son of the master craftsman Daedalus. The main story told about Icarus is his attempt to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. He ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall into the sea where he drowned.

Now the reason I make note to Icarus is that I sort of fell like him today. Trapped, unhappy, lonely and wanting to escape. Pause~ By no means am I saying this is the meaning of the story but this is how I see it. Play~ Recently, I have been reading a great deal and getting my priorities in order (as per usual) and for the past two days a sense of loneliness ensued. So of course I called the person who knows me best and will give me the ultimate love and truth, father P. And in true dad form he gave me the advice I feel like I've been waiting to hear but to chicken to say. I am truly longing for something that I refuse to succumb to.

Now time for a little background. So I have had two dreams recently about weddings and me not making it and/or not being invited. And when I consulted my dad he told me "there is a commitment [I] am ignoring." So in true Annie P form I shared it with my girlfriends and of course we brainstormed but now this thought of a lost commitment is haunting me. So could that be the source of the loneliness? Who knows.

I want to believe that maybe I am missing some sort of man in my life or some companionship with a friend. But I honestly don't think it is. Maybe I have to sit in this emotion. For the most part, I think that I want some sort of "sign" and/or inspiration to wash over me. Who knows maybe it will come with all these April/May showers.

Sigh,
Annie P

Smoke is Clearing

Well today is a rainy day in NYC. And in that regard, I can say things are clearing up in my life. Post my birthday I have been in party go-mode. While that is all fun and good, I have realized that rest is needed on a large scale level. Pause~ I know it should be obvious why but really I need to take a rest. Play~ So no dates, no cultural outings this week just me and my bed post work.

But other than that I have been slowly coming out of a fog. I don't know exactly where/when the fog arrived but it did. I have become less focused as I once was. Like bills are paid etc but I have been like sitting back and letting things happen. So this week we are taking back control. I need to get back on a very diligent timeline for all things (bills, school, work, etc.). And then most importantly, I need to get back on track with the whole therapy thing. I let some things come in front of that and I'm just not ok with that. So i need to get my goals back in order for therapy.

But folks nothing new to really report here. Everything health wise is still where it is. I'm thoroughly enjoying my treatment sabbatical. Its keeping me sane.

Until next time,
Annie P

Hard Days

Morning all --

Firstly apologies for the fall off of the blog. Its been a busy, beautiful and hard time (ironic right?!?).

Anyway, before I post anything about the past couple of months, I wanted to put up a post on the current Path I've been on. Pause~ Its been a difficult time with cancer and everything happening at the same time. Play~ So anyway, I've recently found out that cancer is back and it has rocked me to the core. This time around I took another method and had the "life expectancy" conversation with my doctors about it. Really it was more of a "what are we facing moment." Well after much deliberation, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything.

Ok...let me explain. So the reason this decision made sense is because I am at zero. Let me define "zero."

Zero = no faith, strength, ability and/or physical capacity to fight something

Therefore, I decided I needed to rebuild in order to get back to a space where I could fight something as treacherous as cancer. So there we are. Now when telling family and friends no one was happy. But everyone tried to respect my choice. Pause~ The reasoning most came to was that its "[my] life" and I should go about it how I feel. Play~ Well then something miraculous happened, I started to LIVE! And with living came an instant euphoria of things getting better. And then my birthday came and it was amazing! I celebrated and saw and did things I couldn't do.

Fast forward to last night. I met up with two of my friends (one who is leaving NYC) and we got into a conversation about cancer and what I was doing about it. And all of a sudden I went back to a place of sadness. It was no fault to them but it made me realize again how simple my life has become.

Really folks, I know that we try to plan and think ahead but I don't. I'm planning to 42. That's my threshold. If I make it a day past that I will be ever so grateful. And its so weird having that conversation. Like yeah if I make it there I will be golden. Pause~ I'm guessing that's me becoming used to the idea of death and dying. Play~ But yes, that's where I am.

Unfortunately, I have to cut this off because I'm at work but TBC.

Annie P

Valentines Day

Hi Readers!

I know such a formal greeting. But I had to come on and address Valentines Day. So confession time, I did not have a Valentine or any semblance of a Valentine Day date. Pause~ Never mind that this is the first time in TEN YEARS I have not had a date or anything on Valentine's Day...so complete culture shock for me. Play~ So yes, I woke up on the fateful day and was surprisingly so happy! I def loved all the love that I had received from my friends and family. Especially since this is the first time since the break up with "man," Fine Man and Ruckfield that I am COMPLETELY AND 100% HAPPY with being single.

Then y'all it happened. I got the email/call that changed the day at 7PM EST. Someone I know had gotten engaged. Pause~ Disclaimer: I had received news of two other couples I knew had gotten engaged. Both couples I had introduced the people. So it was nice to see that come to fruition for them. Again a happy day. Play~ So yes Elizabeth Taylor calls and tells me that this woman had gotten engaged. Ok now...I don't know why this bothered me but I really posed the question "How does love come so easily to some women?"

Like I literally thought about it and spoke to dear friends and my sister about how I could improve my "love karma." Have I truly messed it up? Is there no way that it can come together? Well in asking those questions, I wrote in my journal this morning about what I should do next. So now I'm completely committed to making this happen. Pause~ This declaration by no measure is me asking for a relationship or man or anything close to that. This is me asking for some clarity around what I'm putting out to the universe in terms of love. Play~ So everyone get ready for this journey!

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In other news, so update on my health. Well we received information that I will have to up all of my cancer meds and make sure to get into the doctor more often. Well at this time, I have decided that I am going to take a short sabbatical from the whole cancer thing for a while. As a survivor/patient, I am fatigued with all the talk and treatment. I really want to get back to the goals I set for myself in 2012.

Truly, I can say without a doubt that this journey that I am on is not easy (BY ANY MEANS) but it has provided me with a new sense of self. I am so dedicated to change and growth. It is making me a better friend, sister, daughter, partner and overall person.

I hope you guys are as excited as I am!

Love,
Annie P

Dinner and Lost Again

So last night, I went to dinner with a great old friend of mine. For the purposes of this blog we will call him Smooth.

I've known Smooth since college. He is an amazing, intelligent, extremely wise and handsome man at the tender age of 23. And since Ive met him, we instantly clicked and became instant friends and confidants. Pause~ Most people would coin such a person as their "little brother" but I cant do that. Smooth is just to mature and on point to give such a title. Play~ So for the past weeks/months we have been trying to get together and catch up. And finally with my goals for 2012 to invest in my relationships, I pushed until we finally set a date. Now there were two main reasons that I wanted to see Smooth.

1) Because I am naturally a little worried about him. Pause~ By worry I don't mean anxiety for him. But more like I haven't heard anything and it worries me that he has taken on so much as a young age. Play~
2) To just get some insight on how he exists on his own.

See Smooth is one of those dudes who can just "be." He literally can be in his house, no TV on and just sit on the couch and kick it. Now for me this is like alien nature. I am always on the go. ALWAYS! There is never a moment where I sit and am just alone in my house or somewhere. So call me selfish but I wanted insight on that.

Well we sat together for about four hours just talking. And not only talking but Smooth was mentoring me! It was weirdest thing ever for the following reasons.

- I have always given Smooth advice
- Smooth is not a huge talker so its interesting when he starts going
- And Smooth (an introvert) was there telling me (the extrovert) how to be more about me

Totally weird! In the long run I left that dinner feeling great.
Fast forward to this morning....

I get up as per usual to get ready for work. And all of a sudden a wave of anxiety passes over me. and the same questions come. "How will I make it through this this time?" or "What will my daily motivation be?"
And all of a sudden I'm in a blur and then on the train and fighting back tears. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know up from down..left from right...its just a feeling of being lost.

So my dad calls to check in on me and of course I'm like sounding a mess and he instantly tells me that I can pull it together. But really there was no pulling it together. There was no rationalization of these emotions. So as a refuge, I'm leaving work early today. I just HAVE to! Its one of those days where you know that you will be no good at anything. Not at being a friend, a sister, an employee or daughter.

Whats crazy about this is that its clear that I live in a world of extremes and am so cognizant of it. But alas I'm finally listening to the universe. Rest is needed.

Finding balance,
Annie P

Hmm Today (Take Two)

So today (as in Wednesday) is not such a good day. I got some news yesterday regarding my cancer that wasn't totally bad news but wasn't totally good either. Pause~ Still very thankful to be here. Play~ So now we are back in a heavy treatment rotation and I'm sort of bummed about it. Bummed because I convinced myself that I had beat it but really I tricked myself into thinking that this long term fight was over with the swiftness to which it came.

However, I did let key peeps know about whats going on but isolation is usually my defense mechanism when it comes to situations like this. Whats totally weird is that I feel the isolation coming as we speak. Like I am already starting to back out of social engagements and seeing friends. In lieu of this my friends and family have noticed and are clearly not letting this go down. Pause~ Love them all! Play~ Well now the next step is to just make it happen. So we shall see.

In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk trying to think of the best next step. I should be thinking about my applications and/or the next step in life but really I'm sitting back for a while. We shall see where things go. But in the meantime I'm going to stop here.

Have a wonderful evening!

Annie P