New York Times & Annie P

This morning while sitting at work, I decided to read one my favorite newspapers online. Pause~ I love reading the newspaper! Its one of my not so secret loves. Play~ And as I was reading the New York Times online, thanks to Mr. P, I strolled into the Wedding Announcement section. Pause~ I'm usually not a fan of the wedding announcement section for the simple fact that for years the NYT was not publishing announcements regarding same sex unions. So I personally took it upon myself to miss out on the lovely stories. Play~ So as I was scanning I came across the following couple.



Meet Bill Bryan White and Joseph Bryan Eure. They are a NYC couple getting married in the Plaza Hotel restaurant in the upcoming weeks. And as I was reading their story of love and trust, there was a portion where they described how they met. These two wonderfully successful men met ONLINE! Pause~ I don't know why I was shocked. I mean I do but I don't. Play~ So they meet online and keep talking and meet and fall in love. A true fairytale.

So now here is the true question....are we not supposed to meet significant others organically anymore?

I mean that's a real life question! I know a myriad of people who have met the ones they love/dating online. And it seems like their love/like is real. I just wondered...how do you tell the ones around you about your chance meeting? Or do you not say anything at all? So weird. Pause~ These are the areas of grey that exist I guess for me. Play~

Anyway upon reaching the end of their announcement, Mr. White so eloquently said the following.

"Meeting Mr. Eure, he continued, 'made me realize that I wanted a quality, healthy, loving relationship — and that’s what I have with Bryan.'"

Man...that was deep! As a girl who now thinks that marriage is not for her, I wonder if I will ever get to that point. Is there a day that you wake up and the one you are with is the one you should be with? Anyone that follows this blog have an answer. Please feel free to chime on in!

Later,
Annie P

PS. For the full announcement please see the following link: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/fashion/weddings/bill-white-bryan-eure-weddings.html?ref=weddings

Countdown on the Week

So this week is going to be busy and somewhat exciting.

I have a busy week and not a great deal of time to get everything I need to get done accomplished. So here we are Monday afternoon and I have one thing complete. And soon to have one more done in a moment. But really, I am not excited at all. I want to be and as a matter of fact I NEED TO BE!

But in retrospect, I'm just tired. I spent the better parts of my weekend in a deep slumber. I did speak to some people, worked (A LOT) and tried to clean but really, I didn't do much of anything. And that has been the move for most of my weekends. I just have little to no motivation to do anything. Pause~ Of course some of my friends will drag me out here and there but trust serious thought goes along with such trips. Play~ In the end, I can blame it on a myriad of things but really its more so about being tired of everything. As of late, I feel like New York has become watered down to me. Like of course this is the "city that never sleeps" but really I haven't been that impressed with the happenings here.

Usually around this time, I would be planning big nights out on the town and plotting a great caper for the Christmas season. But for some reason, I feel like a Grinch. And not just any Grinch, but the Grinch who wants to be home alone with the TV and a nice cup of tea. That's it...nothing more...nothing less. Pause~ Many that I have told this have scolded me for "throwing in my youth" but really its not that. Everyone has a moment when they just want to SIT DOWN! Play~ So anyway readers, I hope that this ho-hum post hasn't dulled down your Monday.

But you know that's where I am!

Signing off,
The Grinch Annie P

Feeling Raw and Loved

So readers today is a horrid day! Horrid because I got some news about this health thing that really shook me up inside and out. Pause~ I'm in no mood to speak about it again. Play~  But today was just hard! And really I don't have any additional strength to keep fighting anymore.

This morning I literally cried for a full hour at my desk. Pause~ For those who know me, I am not a crier. I usually try and get everything out in a logical fashion. But this morning it all built up into an unusual need to just cry. Play~ While crying it out, my coworkers passed by and usually I would try and hold it in but I just couldn't. And albeit I feel much better but I know there is much more crying to come. I just want to be NORMAL! Pause~ I'm fully aware that normalcy is subjective to different people. Play~ I want to worry about what I'm going to wear over the weekend. And when I will have a boyfriend and paying my light bill. Instead, I worry about fertility and how the next co-pay will happen. Oh and how I'm going to fit in the next hour long session with a doctor who insists on telling me the hard part is over. I'M A TWENTY-SOMETHING! This is lame!

In the end, I know I'm supposed to be grateful that "we" caught it early and that I have a great support system. But really y'all, nothing in this world can prepare you for cancer. And really, NO ONE CAN EVER REALLY UNDERSTAND! No part of cancer is easy. You try and be strong and you try to show people the better side of you. But really, today I just felt like I had salt thrown in my wound. I was too tired and sick to take a shower. Too tired to get up to clean my bathroom. These simple things that people complain about I could NOT do! That's a mess in my book! In the end, I did cast out the message to some people and let them know that I was a mess today. And the love came in from all sides.

So today I'm just feeling raw and exposed. There are no ways to say it other than that. I guess strength comes after the reveal. So please pray that I can get some more.

Love,
Annie P

Wednesday...sigh

So today I am HORNY! Pause~ I know TMI..but isnt this about sharing! Play~ Between all the stuff goings on and the new man its time to get it popping! So guys.....wish me luck! Hopefully I can get it popping tonight!

Annie P

Tuesday Tea Time

Good morning America! How are we today?

Me I'm doing ok today for the most part. Woke up and that's a blessing.

So today's topic will revolve around sustaining in an unsustainable environment. Pause~ Today's blog is not a rant or long complaint. But rather an ode to making sure people understand. Play~ So through "my reveal" I have come across two types of people. One group who will just offer an encouraging message. And the other group who will mimic a stage 4 cancer patient. And well readers, at this point I want to say, that even though I am going through this terrible time, we are all going through some hard time. No one is cruising on "easy street." Pause~ This is not a diversion from me to you all. But rather a conversation to say that my hard time should NEVER overshadow someone else's. Play~

The reason I bring this up, is because yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and usually she calls and asks the same three questions and then she rushes me off the line.

1) How do you feel today?
2) Do you need anything?
3) Have you slowed down at work?

Now I love her dearly for asking. But yesterday before she could even get the words out for question one, I bombarded her with "How are you doing?" And then the tears started to flow. The poor thing had been going through so much! I couldn't even keep up with the happenings. And when I asked her, why she hadn't spoken of all this before, she answered "Because you have cancer!" Pause~ Enter shock face. Play~

So on that note, I had to let her know that she did not have to cater to me. Friends are here for each other. This was not a one sided relationship. I was so shocked! I couldn't believe that she had put my diagnosis above herself. Pause~ I know its hard to believe but its so weird to hear. Play~

So in that fact I've come to the decision that its time to show you all that I am in fact 100% FABULOUS! In that regard, I am having a "I'm Cancer Free (almost)" cocktail party! And folks its going down!

If you are interested in attending comment to the blog! We are going to dance, drink and over all be merry!

"Big or small boobs we are saving THEM ALL!"




Love ya'll!
Annie P

5 Miles and Hundreds of Smiles Later

So this weekend was the Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk in Central Park. Based on my last post, you all can guess that I was there to take part. So the natural assumption was that I would have been at the forefront raising money and telling the world that I have breast cancer and am surviving. WRONG!

So like I noted in the last post, I have been very silent on the topic of cancer; specifically my battle with cancer. And when the walk came, I spoke with my support group members and they told me I should treat this as a "coming out" so to speak. Pause~ Love my support group! They are awesome women and incredibly strong. No offense to my dear dear friends. But you all have no idea what this is. For instance, if I tell a friend that I cant taste any food...they usually put on a face of pity. But I tell a woman from this group and she goes 'hey it will come and go.' In that one comment it lets me know that I am not alone and that someone else is going through what I've been through, Play~ So I formed a small team of 10 that dwindled to 6 and we met up on Sunday and walked.

The best part about Sunday, outside of seeing all the women and men walking for a cure, was seeing my friends walk a whole 5 miles starting at 9AM with smiles on their faces in support of...well...me! That was a gift that keeps on giving. In addition to that, I received phone calls and text messages from those that know about my disgnosis letting me know that they were thinking of me. That was amazing as well! It all made things come full circle. The best way to describe it is like waking up from the best sleep you ever had. You are aware, thankful and just in awe of what has occurred. It was a divine day!

Based off of that amazing day and people's amazing commitment to my health, my goals for this week is as follows:

1) Complete preparation on my "I'm Fighting Cancer" party
2) Hand written cards to all those who have been there

More details on that as the week goes by!

Have a FANTABULOUS week all!

Annie P

The Reveal

Good afternoon world!

There is a lot to catch you guys up on. So please be prepared for a very long post today.

Well the big reveal aka elephant in the room is that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. And its been a trying. The great news is that I caught it so early that it can be combated and I will feel great. Pause~ It took a lot to reveal that. I've been very ho-hum (as Vexy would say) about the whole cancer issue. Play~ But anyway the reason I have decided to share is because this past week.

Let me preface this with letting you all know that prior to this week I was in a mode of indifference. Now as usual I would fight sticking in this emotion. However, as one day passed into the next I wanted to stick it out. Not because it felt good or it was interesting...I just wanted to not "default-to-sad." Pause~ Sad was just too easy in my opinion. To me its like blaming God. I feel like everyone expects me to be sad and/or hurt over my diagnosis but I'm not I'm very hopeful. The indifference came over me because it seemed like no one was actually listening. Play~  So post speaking with my therapist and my mentor I came to realize that this was a normal feeling. People usually go through stages of emotion. And that was mine. Now fast forward to this week where the anger set in.

Monday I was angry about going to work...Tuesday I was angry because I couldn't put my finger on why I was angry..and then Wednesday I was angry because my mom called and lectured me and then it all came to a culmination yesterday. So yesterday, I went to see my therapist and we spoke about the anger. The anger came down to the fact that I do not want people to identify me by my diagnosis. And in all my efforts to combat that, I had in fact done the primary thing I didn't want others to do... I became my diagnosis.

As a result, I decided to get off my ass and get back to the blog. It was time. I had been away too long. And really I became a pro at juggling shutting people out while keeping some at arms length. Pause~ To this day, only one has truly witnessed the "raw" Annie P. And I can tell you, she is not a bitch and/or snob but rather a girl with all the worries in the world. Play~  I mean I would like to think that some where along the line for those who do see this side of me they will not run or shy away.

Now in true Annie P fashion I must update you on the recent happenings.

Family
This is a heavy subject. Really there has been a great deal of happenings on this front. So I will break it down.

- Ms. P:
Ugh...exhausting! She has made some mistakes throughout the past couple months with me. Not so much that I cant forgive or it hinders our relationship. BUT my mother has simply become the ideal victim. She needs more comforting than anyone I know. Pause~ My mom is a natural martyr. She is the quintessential parent who will worry herself into panicking others and then will emerge successful when the world bends to her. Play~ No offense to Ms. P but our new conversations have come to be her lecturing me on things that affect her life. So needless to say I have taken a vow of silence when we speak. I bring up prevalent things and answer the ways in which she wants. Pause~ Step 1 to attaining sanity Play~

- Elizabeth Taylor
Another exhausting and daunting person. So like true sisters we have had a tremendous fall from grace recently. And really I don't care about what was said but it was the action that was taken. So in an effort to just move forth I have also decided to take a vow of silence on that end as well. Pause~ I love talking to my sister but happenings on that front was very lame. Play~ So here we are almost a month later and I haven't had any words with her. And really, I'm not ok with it because internally and externally I have a lot going on. So I will cross that bridge when I'm ready. And if its met with resistance then I will just have to live with those odds.

- New Sister
So for those who do not know I have another older sister. And really I haven't spoken to this sister in almost five years. Pause~ I know I know...but a series of events occurred and it just made me so resistant to even messing with her. But alas here we are....Speaking. Play~ So with the diagnosis and my mother's reveal to the world about it...my sister found out. Now she called and we spoke for like 30 minutes and she has genuinely been there for me. And not in the pushy way but in a way that has been super helpful. Now in true P family fashion, she did try and help me out with my mom and that backfired TERRIBLY but I mean I get it and I'm over it. No need to cast a vow of silence on her as well.

Friends
My friends are still awesome. Some, who shall not be referenced, have had some shady dealings lately but really I can care less. There are other things to worry about. Pause~ Sanity being one of them. Play~ But for those who really have been there they have been amazing! Whether its a call, card, visit, text, email...whatever it has been amazing. Support comes from all sides and I'm happy I'm heavily blanketed.

Men
Oh this is a good one...

Well, I have met someone new and he is amazing. For this occasion I will dub him Ruckfield. He is a true man's man with a cooler than a fan demeanor. Through our courtship we have had a myriad of ups and downs. Pause~ By courtship I mean dating...like real dating but with a twist. See when you have cancer that is the thing you have to speak about first off. Because if you don't it will be weird when I feel sad or sick on any given day. Also, its hard to explain why you have prescriptions all over and you chug a myriad of pills a day. So there we are. Play~  But this man has been there through them all! And when I reference, ups and downs I mean with me primarily. His support is unwavering and his love is undeniable. Below is a story for you to see what I speak of.

A couple weeks ago he came by because I was severely sad and just really sick. I hadnt mentioned to him that I was...I think he just felt it. I wanted to see or speak to anyone. Just stay in my apartment and be..alone. However, he came anyway; not to stay or have a long visit but just to stop by. And he asked if I was ok physically and then gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. After he left, I was running back to bed and there was a note address to me on the night stand. It said the following:

"One of my favorite things about you is your strength. And when you're weak, I'm here to be that pillar. ~Love [Ruckfield]"

How do you refuse a man like that. So there will be more to come on that subject.

To end this very long post, I will say I have come to a new conclusion.

I always thought that the things that have occurred in this last year ("man" problems, dating, friendships ending, etc.) was some sort of karma that came full circle to me. However, with the dawn of this cancer, I have come to believe that I'm supposed to go through all this and come out the other side a "new" person. Its really time for me to ditch the old loves and come to new ones. And since time is definitely not guaranteed to no one Im on top of this.

So the lessons I want to impart on you all today are:

1. That no problem/scenario is so bad! Things happen and you deal. Let go of the anger and move on.
2. Let people deal with things in their time. This goes out to those friends who may feel offended by lack of contact or appearance. True friendship transcends all gaps in time.

Until next time loves!
Annie P