Feeling Raw and Loved

So readers today is a horrid day! Horrid because I got some news about this health thing that really shook me up inside and out. Pause~ I'm in no mood to speak about it again. Play~  But today was just hard! And really I don't have any additional strength to keep fighting anymore.

This morning I literally cried for a full hour at my desk. Pause~ For those who know me, I am not a crier. I usually try and get everything out in a logical fashion. But this morning it all built up into an unusual need to just cry. Play~ While crying it out, my coworkers passed by and usually I would try and hold it in but I just couldn't. And albeit I feel much better but I know there is much more crying to come. I just want to be NORMAL! Pause~ I'm fully aware that normalcy is subjective to different people. Play~ I want to worry about what I'm going to wear over the weekend. And when I will have a boyfriend and paying my light bill. Instead, I worry about fertility and how the next co-pay will happen. Oh and how I'm going to fit in the next hour long session with a doctor who insists on telling me the hard part is over. I'M A TWENTY-SOMETHING! This is lame!

In the end, I know I'm supposed to be grateful that "we" caught it early and that I have a great support system. But really y'all, nothing in this world can prepare you for cancer. And really, NO ONE CAN EVER REALLY UNDERSTAND! No part of cancer is easy. You try and be strong and you try to show people the better side of you. But really, today I just felt like I had salt thrown in my wound. I was too tired and sick to take a shower. Too tired to get up to clean my bathroom. These simple things that people complain about I could NOT do! That's a mess in my book! In the end, I did cast out the message to some people and let them know that I was a mess today. And the love came in from all sides.

So today I'm just feeling raw and exposed. There are no ways to say it other than that. I guess strength comes after the reveal. So please pray that I can get some more.

Love,
Annie P