The Reveal

Good afternoon world!

There is a lot to catch you guys up on. So please be prepared for a very long post today.

Well the big reveal aka elephant in the room is that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. And its been a trying. The great news is that I caught it so early that it can be combated and I will feel great. Pause~ It took a lot to reveal that. I've been very ho-hum (as Vexy would say) about the whole cancer issue. Play~ But anyway the reason I have decided to share is because this past week.

Let me preface this with letting you all know that prior to this week I was in a mode of indifference. Now as usual I would fight sticking in this emotion. However, as one day passed into the next I wanted to stick it out. Not because it felt good or it was interesting...I just wanted to not "default-to-sad." Pause~ Sad was just too easy in my opinion. To me its like blaming God. I feel like everyone expects me to be sad and/or hurt over my diagnosis but I'm not I'm very hopeful. The indifference came over me because it seemed like no one was actually listening. Play~  So post speaking with my therapist and my mentor I came to realize that this was a normal feeling. People usually go through stages of emotion. And that was mine. Now fast forward to this week where the anger set in.

Monday I was angry about going to work...Tuesday I was angry because I couldn't put my finger on why I was angry..and then Wednesday I was angry because my mom called and lectured me and then it all came to a culmination yesterday. So yesterday, I went to see my therapist and we spoke about the anger. The anger came down to the fact that I do not want people to identify me by my diagnosis. And in all my efforts to combat that, I had in fact done the primary thing I didn't want others to do... I became my diagnosis.

As a result, I decided to get off my ass and get back to the blog. It was time. I had been away too long. And really I became a pro at juggling shutting people out while keeping some at arms length. Pause~ To this day, only one has truly witnessed the "raw" Annie P. And I can tell you, she is not a bitch and/or snob but rather a girl with all the worries in the world. Play~  I mean I would like to think that some where along the line for those who do see this side of me they will not run or shy away.

Now in true Annie P fashion I must update you on the recent happenings.

Family
This is a heavy subject. Really there has been a great deal of happenings on this front. So I will break it down.

- Ms. P:
Ugh...exhausting! She has made some mistakes throughout the past couple months with me. Not so much that I cant forgive or it hinders our relationship. BUT my mother has simply become the ideal victim. She needs more comforting than anyone I know. Pause~ My mom is a natural martyr. She is the quintessential parent who will worry herself into panicking others and then will emerge successful when the world bends to her. Play~ No offense to Ms. P but our new conversations have come to be her lecturing me on things that affect her life. So needless to say I have taken a vow of silence when we speak. I bring up prevalent things and answer the ways in which she wants. Pause~ Step 1 to attaining sanity Play~

- Elizabeth Taylor
Another exhausting and daunting person. So like true sisters we have had a tremendous fall from grace recently. And really I don't care about what was said but it was the action that was taken. So in an effort to just move forth I have also decided to take a vow of silence on that end as well. Pause~ I love talking to my sister but happenings on that front was very lame. Play~ So here we are almost a month later and I haven't had any words with her. And really, I'm not ok with it because internally and externally I have a lot going on. So I will cross that bridge when I'm ready. And if its met with resistance then I will just have to live with those odds.

- New Sister
So for those who do not know I have another older sister. And really I haven't spoken to this sister in almost five years. Pause~ I know I know...but a series of events occurred and it just made me so resistant to even messing with her. But alas here we are....Speaking. Play~ So with the diagnosis and my mother's reveal to the world about it...my sister found out. Now she called and we spoke for like 30 minutes and she has genuinely been there for me. And not in the pushy way but in a way that has been super helpful. Now in true P family fashion, she did try and help me out with my mom and that backfired TERRIBLY but I mean I get it and I'm over it. No need to cast a vow of silence on her as well.

Friends
My friends are still awesome. Some, who shall not be referenced, have had some shady dealings lately but really I can care less. There are other things to worry about. Pause~ Sanity being one of them. Play~ But for those who really have been there they have been amazing! Whether its a call, card, visit, text, email...whatever it has been amazing. Support comes from all sides and I'm happy I'm heavily blanketed.

Men
Oh this is a good one...

Well, I have met someone new and he is amazing. For this occasion I will dub him Ruckfield. He is a true man's man with a cooler than a fan demeanor. Through our courtship we have had a myriad of ups and downs. Pause~ By courtship I mean dating...like real dating but with a twist. See when you have cancer that is the thing you have to speak about first off. Because if you don't it will be weird when I feel sad or sick on any given day. Also, its hard to explain why you have prescriptions all over and you chug a myriad of pills a day. So there we are. Play~  But this man has been there through them all! And when I reference, ups and downs I mean with me primarily. His support is unwavering and his love is undeniable. Below is a story for you to see what I speak of.

A couple weeks ago he came by because I was severely sad and just really sick. I hadnt mentioned to him that I was...I think he just felt it. I wanted to see or speak to anyone. Just stay in my apartment and be..alone. However, he came anyway; not to stay or have a long visit but just to stop by. And he asked if I was ok physically and then gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. After he left, I was running back to bed and there was a note address to me on the night stand. It said the following:

"One of my favorite things about you is your strength. And when you're weak, I'm here to be that pillar. ~Love [Ruckfield]"

How do you refuse a man like that. So there will be more to come on that subject.

To end this very long post, I will say I have come to a new conclusion.

I always thought that the things that have occurred in this last year ("man" problems, dating, friendships ending, etc.) was some sort of karma that came full circle to me. However, with the dawn of this cancer, I have come to believe that I'm supposed to go through all this and come out the other side a "new" person. Its really time for me to ditch the old loves and come to new ones. And since time is definitely not guaranteed to no one Im on top of this.

So the lessons I want to impart on you all today are:

1. That no problem/scenario is so bad! Things happen and you deal. Let go of the anger and move on.
2. Let people deal with things in their time. This goes out to those friends who may feel offended by lack of contact or appearance. True friendship transcends all gaps in time.

Until next time loves!
Annie P