So last night, I went to dinner with a great old friend of mine. For the purposes of this blog we will call him Smooth.
I've known Smooth since college. He is an amazing, intelligent, extremely wise and handsome man at the tender age of 23. And since Ive met him, we instantly clicked and became instant friends and confidants. Pause~ Most people would coin such a person as their "little brother" but I cant do that. Smooth is just to mature and on point to give such a title. Play~ So for the past weeks/months we have been trying to get together and catch up. And finally with my goals for 2012 to invest in my relationships, I pushed until we finally set a date. Now there were two main reasons that I wanted to see Smooth.
1) Because I am naturally a little worried about him. Pause~ By worry I don't mean anxiety for him. But more like I haven't heard anything and it worries me that he has taken on so much as a young age. Play~
2) To just get some insight on how he exists on his own.
See Smooth is one of those dudes who can just "be." He literally can be in his house, no TV on and just sit on the couch and kick it. Now for me this is like alien nature. I am always on the go. ALWAYS! There is never a moment where I sit and am just alone in my house or somewhere. So call me selfish but I wanted insight on that.
Well we sat together for about four hours just talking. And not only talking but Smooth was mentoring me! It was weirdest thing ever for the following reasons.
- I have always given Smooth advice
- Smooth is not a huge talker so its interesting when he starts going
- And Smooth (an introvert) was there telling me (the extrovert) how to be more about me
Totally weird! In the long run I left that dinner feeling great.
Fast forward to this morning....
I get up as per usual to get ready for work. And all of a sudden a wave of anxiety passes over me. and the same questions come. "How will I make it through this this time?" or "What will my daily motivation be?"
And all of a sudden I'm in a blur and then on the train and fighting back tears. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know up from down..left from right...its just a feeling of being lost.
So my dad calls to check in on me and of course I'm like sounding a mess and he instantly tells me that I can pull it together. But really there was no pulling it together. There was no rationalization of these emotions. So as a refuge, I'm leaving work early today. I just HAVE to! Its one of those days where you know that you will be no good at anything. Not at being a friend, a sister, an employee or daughter.
Whats crazy about this is that its clear that I live in a world of extremes and am so cognizant of it. But alas I'm finally listening to the universe. Rest is needed.
Finding balance,
Annie P
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hmm Today (Take Two)
So today (as in Wednesday) is not such a good day. I got some news yesterday regarding my cancer that wasn't totally bad news but wasn't totally good either. Pause~ Still very thankful to be here. Play~ So now we are back in a heavy treatment rotation and I'm sort of bummed about it. Bummed because I convinced myself that I had beat it but really I tricked myself into thinking that this long term fight was over with the swiftness to which it came.
However, I did let key peeps know about whats going on but isolation is usually my defense mechanism when it comes to situations like this. Whats totally weird is that I feel the isolation coming as we speak. Like I am already starting to back out of social engagements and seeing friends. In lieu of this my friends and family have noticed and are clearly not letting this go down. Pause~ Love them all! Play~ Well now the next step is to just make it happen. So we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk trying to think of the best next step. I should be thinking about my applications and/or the next step in life but really I'm sitting back for a while. We shall see where things go. But in the meantime I'm going to stop here.
Have a wonderful evening!
Annie P
However, I did let key peeps know about whats going on but isolation is usually my defense mechanism when it comes to situations like this. Whats totally weird is that I feel the isolation coming as we speak. Like I am already starting to back out of social engagements and seeing friends. In lieu of this my friends and family have noticed and are clearly not letting this go down. Pause~ Love them all! Play~ Well now the next step is to just make it happen. So we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk trying to think of the best next step. I should be thinking about my applications and/or the next step in life but really I'm sitting back for a while. We shall see where things go. But in the meantime I'm going to stop here.
Have a wonderful evening!
Annie P
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Today
Good morning all!
Today! That is the theme we are living on! Per my previous post, I am on a quest to be alone and really get to know Annie P. As a result, I have been trying to keep myself super distracted. Pause~ Please forgive all the transitions. Play~ In keeping myself distracted, I have realized two things. One, I have A LOT more growing to do and two, I realized that I have a great deal more work to do in investing in my friendships.
Recently, I have had the pleasure of catching up with some great friends between Boston, DC and NYC. It has truly been an amazing experience. So lets start!
Boston
So I have a great friend that I've had the pleasure of knowing since we were 11 and 12. She, like any twenty-something, has been through a lot. And it was great to go out there and spend some much needed QT with her. We spoke about life and love and finding love...blah blah. Pause~ Love that my friends and I can speak about stuff like this. Play~ So we spoke, we ate, we drank wine and went to sleep. The next day we went to church together and then I got back on the plane to NYC. The interesting thing about going to see this friend is that we rarely talk. And I guess it has been that way because we have always been so busy. But it was cool to sit down face to face and just put it all out there.
DC
So this is a trip that was a long time coming. Like many Vandy alum, we have friends all over which is truly amazing. Well I have the pleasure of having a concentrated group of friends in DC. So I went with a great ball of sunshine, my bestie who we will name "Sunshine." Pause~ The nickname should let you know everything there is to know about this amazing lady. Play~ We visited and had an amazing time! We ate, danced, drank and spoke about goals. And in the end, we got one of our good friends out on the town. She had actually never gone out in her new city.
NYC
Isn't it funny that you can live 10-15 minutes away from people and never see them? Well welcome to my life as of late. So these past weeks I have been making a diligent effort to see more of my friends and family. As a result, things are going well. I have successfully seen a good amount of my friends. And I can say one thing...it is/has been an experience catching up.
You see, I had been talking and joking with my friends but we hadn't really gotten to the "meat" of things. It has truly been a blessing to catch up with more of my friends and family.
So here are the plans for this week:
1) Continue to reach out -- there's a long list! And if you haven't been contacted you will soon
2) Lunch with Elizabeth Taylor!
3) Dinner with the ladies who love
4) Therapy
5) Galas and dancing
Wishing you all plenty of blessings!
Annie P
Today! That is the theme we are living on! Per my previous post, I am on a quest to be alone and really get to know Annie P. As a result, I have been trying to keep myself super distracted. Pause~ Please forgive all the transitions. Play~ In keeping myself distracted, I have realized two things. One, I have A LOT more growing to do and two, I realized that I have a great deal more work to do in investing in my friendships.
Recently, I have had the pleasure of catching up with some great friends between Boston, DC and NYC. It has truly been an amazing experience. So lets start!
Boston
So I have a great friend that I've had the pleasure of knowing since we were 11 and 12. She, like any twenty-something, has been through a lot. And it was great to go out there and spend some much needed QT with her. We spoke about life and love and finding love...blah blah. Pause~ Love that my friends and I can speak about stuff like this. Play~ So we spoke, we ate, we drank wine and went to sleep. The next day we went to church together and then I got back on the plane to NYC. The interesting thing about going to see this friend is that we rarely talk. And I guess it has been that way because we have always been so busy. But it was cool to sit down face to face and just put it all out there.
DC
So this is a trip that was a long time coming. Like many Vandy alum, we have friends all over which is truly amazing. Well I have the pleasure of having a concentrated group of friends in DC. So I went with a great ball of sunshine, my bestie who we will name "Sunshine." Pause~ The nickname should let you know everything there is to know about this amazing lady. Play~ We visited and had an amazing time! We ate, danced, drank and spoke about goals. And in the end, we got one of our good friends out on the town. She had actually never gone out in her new city.
NYC
Isn't it funny that you can live 10-15 minutes away from people and never see them? Well welcome to my life as of late. So these past weeks I have been making a diligent effort to see more of my friends and family. As a result, things are going well. I have successfully seen a good amount of my friends. And I can say one thing...it is/has been an experience catching up.
You see, I had been talking and joking with my friends but we hadn't really gotten to the "meat" of things. It has truly been a blessing to catch up with more of my friends and family.
So here are the plans for this week:
1) Continue to reach out -- there's a long list! And if you haven't been contacted you will soon
2) Lunch with Elizabeth Taylor!
3) Dinner with the ladies who love
4) Therapy
5) Galas and dancing
Wishing you all plenty of blessings!
Annie P
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day Two of Love Intolerancy
Ok so now that I have defined what my current condition is, I have been simultaneously trying to get in gear to figuring out where do I go from here. Pause~ Not trying to find an answer but merely trying to land down the next steps. Play~ So day two and I'm at work trying to figure out what I will do next. This is what I have so far.
- Meditation
LOL! Literally that's all that I have!
The funny part about this, is that you all know me! I'm super duper Type A. I will be all over the place with books and newspaper articles. But today I'm like ok...now what to do. Well whatever. Maybe this is the time that I'm not supposed to know what to do about men anyway.
On the flip side of things, I definitely got to catch up with an old friend of mine yesterday and clear the air on some things. She called to do our usual catch up and I had to just come out with the things that I had heard. Pause~ My indifference is fading away and FAST! I kind of really hate it. Play~ Well we were talking and it all came out. We managed to discuss said conversations and come to a conclusion that things were just different and the past was the past. Which really, I was excited for. We were able to just move forward and not be caught up with the little things. So that was a pleasant surprise that I was not expecting. As a result, I am going to visit her and get in some good QT!
Anyway my loves, work is picking up so I have to jet but until next time!
Annie P
- Meditation
LOL! Literally that's all that I have!
The funny part about this, is that you all know me! I'm super duper Type A. I will be all over the place with books and newspaper articles. But today I'm like ok...now what to do. Well whatever. Maybe this is the time that I'm not supposed to know what to do about men anyway.
On the flip side of things, I definitely got to catch up with an old friend of mine yesterday and clear the air on some things. She called to do our usual catch up and I had to just come out with the things that I had heard. Pause~ My indifference is fading away and FAST! I kind of really hate it. Play~ Well we were talking and it all came out. We managed to discuss said conversations and come to a conclusion that things were just different and the past was the past. Which really, I was excited for. We were able to just move forward and not be caught up with the little things. So that was a pleasant surprise that I was not expecting. As a result, I am going to visit her and get in some good QT!
Anyway my loves, work is picking up so I have to jet but until next time!
Annie P
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Love Intolerancy
Well readers, today I am SICK! And not just like cold sick but sick sick. Pause~ Don't worry not the focus. Play ~ So as any sick person would do, I took the day off of work yesterday. And by day off I took a REAL day off. No blackberry, no logging in, no conference calls! However, while I was home thinking healthy thoughts, it ran across my mind that I may be love intolerant! -- Stick with me here.
So my definition of love intolerance is the following.
- Someone who is detached from their emotions and therefore, unable to really appreciate and/or respect the
sanctity of a romantic love or relationship.
Pause~ Believe it or not that definition took me a whole two hours to come up with. Not because I'm slow or was distracted; BUT I wanted to give a loose definition to a phrase that kind of sums up my current romantic state. Play~
In the past year and a half, it has become clear that I can be considered a proverbial "man eater." I have had a series of romantic encounters (dates, relationships and sexual alike) that has not managed to turn into a fruitful long courtship. Now I agree, like any woman I may have had some "unrealistic" goals in mind (ie. wanting to be courted but no relationship attached or wanting a relationship without all the baggage). However, with the ending of Ruckfield it has become apparent that maybe the problem is not men its essentially me! Pause~ By no means am I putting myself down. But really, it can NOT always be the world! The world responds to what you put in it. So maybe I am putting out something wrong. Play~ Now I am forced into a realm of what can I do to turn this around. Of course, like any human I have no answers and really I don't think I am on the search for one. Maybe I need this "time" to make this thing called my life better.
Really though, I would be lying if I was to say that I am not sad/upset by this decision but really in the end I can not really sit idly by and think that ALL MEN are the problem. They can NOT all be bad. And I am beginning to believe that more and more as I interact with certain men.
See when I interact with a man - mainly the two I have met in this current mental state - I start to ask the questions that most women shy away from.
- What is your thought of a perfect sexual encounter?
- What happens tomorrow after you leave?
- How would you feel if I said my career means more to me than you ever will at this moment?
And really, the men I have asked all have the same reactions.
1) Shock
2) Cool
3) What ifs
4) Acceptance
Once the dust settles, they are the first to kind of get quiet and I usually say "Feels good not to have to sell me a dream huh?" Because really, don't sell me anything because although I am window shopping...I ain't buying it! There is nothing that a man can tell me that I want to hear. Pause~ Please excuse the shopping metaphor but you know what I'm getting at. Play~
So readers, I've decided to take my cancerous, no man having, career-focused, slight OCD having, photo taking ass to the backseat to watch the "show," learn and correct myself!
2012 is my rebuilding year! I hope you all are on the same track or better.
Love,
Annie P
So my definition of love intolerance is the following.
- Someone who is detached from their emotions and therefore, unable to really appreciate and/or respect the
sanctity of a romantic love or relationship.
Pause~ Believe it or not that definition took me a whole two hours to come up with. Not because I'm slow or was distracted; BUT I wanted to give a loose definition to a phrase that kind of sums up my current romantic state. Play~
In the past year and a half, it has become clear that I can be considered a proverbial "man eater." I have had a series of romantic encounters (dates, relationships and sexual alike) that has not managed to turn into a fruitful long courtship. Now I agree, like any woman I may have had some "unrealistic" goals in mind (ie. wanting to be courted but no relationship attached or wanting a relationship without all the baggage). However, with the ending of Ruckfield it has become apparent that maybe the problem is not men its essentially me! Pause~ By no means am I putting myself down. But really, it can NOT always be the world! The world responds to what you put in it. So maybe I am putting out something wrong. Play~ Now I am forced into a realm of what can I do to turn this around. Of course, like any human I have no answers and really I don't think I am on the search for one. Maybe I need this "time" to make this thing called my life better.
Really though, I would be lying if I was to say that I am not sad/upset by this decision but really in the end I can not really sit idly by and think that ALL MEN are the problem. They can NOT all be bad. And I am beginning to believe that more and more as I interact with certain men.
See when I interact with a man - mainly the two I have met in this current mental state - I start to ask the questions that most women shy away from.
- What is your thought of a perfect sexual encounter?
- What happens tomorrow after you leave?
- How would you feel if I said my career means more to me than you ever will at this moment?
And really, the men I have asked all have the same reactions.
1) Shock
2) Cool
3) What ifs
4) Acceptance
Once the dust settles, they are the first to kind of get quiet and I usually say "Feels good not to have to sell me a dream huh?" Because really, don't sell me anything because although I am window shopping...I ain't buying it! There is nothing that a man can tell me that I want to hear. Pause~ Please excuse the shopping metaphor but you know what I'm getting at. Play~
So readers, I've decided to take my cancerous, no man having, career-focused, slight OCD having, photo taking ass to the backseat to watch the "show," learn and correct myself!
2012 is my rebuilding year! I hope you all are on the same track or better.
Love,
Annie P
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy New Year!
Well darlings, the time has come and it is FINALLY 2012. I was planning on doing a post dedicated to things learned from the past year; however, it seems moot at this point in time. Pause~ When it comes to reflection I can be a little long winded so I will spare you wonderful folks the headache. Play~
So for 2012 I have some set goals in mind. Namely, getting my shit together and getting back on track with the plan that I had before. Of course, I have some obstacles to conquer (ie. cancer-be-gone being number 1) but really its all about getting myself back to the track I was on beforehand. Outside of getting back on track, there are some new goals I have in mind for myself as well like getting out more! I really want to get out and meet more people. Within the past two weeks, I have managed to meet some amazing people now that I have come back to floating into my other groups of friends. Pause~ I love my close knit circle but once I began floating around like I had once before, my network grew exponentially. Silly and simple realization but worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. Play~
In addition, another goal is to be a bit more selfish with myself. I need to get back to me again. I started last year and then there was a brigade of men and then Ruckfield. Pause~ That has ended by the way. But alas that story I will save for another post. Play~ So here we are trying to get ourselves back on track and on the journey to peace! Ahhhh...what a wonderful concept.
Speaking of my journey to peace, here is the progress thus far.
1) We have began to meditate and pray more often. Both have offered some additional clarity I do not think that I could have achieved without it.
2) Exercise is going very well! 10lbs down and counting.
3) Reading has recommenced.
In the end, I think/know 2012 will be a year of growth for real! There are so many opportunities looming that I think I have to make things happen. Hope you all are having a wonderful start as well!
Finding Love Again,
Annie P
So for 2012 I have some set goals in mind. Namely, getting my shit together and getting back on track with the plan that I had before. Of course, I have some obstacles to conquer (ie. cancer-be-gone being number 1) but really its all about getting myself back to the track I was on beforehand. Outside of getting back on track, there are some new goals I have in mind for myself as well like getting out more! I really want to get out and meet more people. Within the past two weeks, I have managed to meet some amazing people now that I have come back to floating into my other groups of friends. Pause~ I love my close knit circle but once I began floating around like I had once before, my network grew exponentially. Silly and simple realization but worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. Play~
In addition, another goal is to be a bit more selfish with myself. I need to get back to me again. I started last year and then there was a brigade of men and then Ruckfield. Pause~ That has ended by the way. But alas that story I will save for another post. Play~ So here we are trying to get ourselves back on track and on the journey to peace! Ahhhh...what a wonderful concept.
Speaking of my journey to peace, here is the progress thus far.
1) We have began to meditate and pray more often. Both have offered some additional clarity I do not think that I could have achieved without it.
2) Exercise is going very well! 10lbs down and counting.
3) Reading has recommenced.
In the end, I think/know 2012 will be a year of growth for real! There are so many opportunities looming that I think I have to make things happen. Hope you all are having a wonderful start as well!
Finding Love Again,
Annie P
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