And the day hath arrived...

I've been grappling with what to blog for a few weeks now and it finally happened this morning. Pause~ I swear I have these serendipitous moments where like the sky clears and boom there it is. Play~ 

For the past month I have been in my six month cancer screening. And for weeks I have been trying to keep my emotions in check. Putting it lightly, you sit through a series of blasts to your system, then tons of testing all culminating to the day you get all of your test results. 

So here we are exactly 20 hours from my results on the 20th. and I am going to answer a series of questions I have been asked over the past 29 days. Pause~ Like the nerd that I am I have kept a running list of questions and the answers I've given. Play~ 

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How do you feel physically and emotionally?

Physically its been hard. Some days are better than others. Some days are truly awful. Emotionally, I am trying to keep myself in check. I am trying to stay self aware. But I can not lie, I'm scared shitless. I do not know what to expect. I do not know what can come from this. And the Internet has been my worst enemy. Somethings you should not Google EVER! 

What happens if it comes back unfavorable?

I have no idea. This is the first time Ive experienced anything like this. I am keeping my hopes high but you know if its bad we will just address it as it comes. I'm sure my doctors have a plan in place if something is not really favorable. 

How do you stay positive?

Is there any other option? Sure I could be a total mess but who does that help? I still have to get up and go to work. I have friends to speak to and libations to ingest. Really, I am in a much better state emotionally (even though I'm a mess) and physically than I was when I was first going through this two years ago. 

Why are your nail beds so scary looking?

(snickers) Chemo. Or whatever this shit is I'm being pumped full of. (laughs heartily) I'm embracing this ugly nail bed and owning it. 

Annmarie who the fuck are you? 

You just said it. I'm Annmarie. Your resident drag queen. 

What do you tell your job during this? About this?

I've been really honest about whats going on. In real life, I kind of just put a little white flag out there like "this is going on for the next month so if you see my down at my desk know its not you its this." But I still think its abstract to my work folks cause I am not what they would expect cancer "to look like."

Are you scared?

HELL YES! HELL YES! There is not one single solitary day that goes by that I do not think about what my plan would be if it were to reappear. Like not one day. Its scary. Its stupid to be scared. Its not helpful. But it happens and I will get past it. Well maybe one day.

You see a therapist? Why? You are one of the most balanced people I know.

Girl I have to see one. You think this is easy? This whole situation is moisturized and premeditated [insert burst of laughter among friends]. But for real the most balanced person needs someone to gain perspective from and I need Sheryl. She is everything. She is part of my community.

You don't think its time for you to let Sheryl (my therapist) go? 

NO! I'M NOT LETTING SHERYL BREAK UP WITH ME! I'M NOT READY! She is a part of my community. She can not break up with me. I'm working on it. We went from three times a week to one a week. I'm working on it. 

How did you deal with the passing of your support group member? 

I can not lie it did not go well. I had a meltdown so bad I had to go to my parents house. I did not attend the funeral or burial. I wasn't strong enough for that. Eventually I did go to the grave site and gained some closure. I still have moments where I expect her to call me. However, I've been trying my hardest to not carry that with me through this process. She is not me and I am not her. I will remember her forever though. 

What do you do at your screening? Like to be entertained?

Um its legit like a movie. I really sit there and read some days. Other days I listen to my ipod. Recently King Push (Pusha T) has been really helping me through. Then other days I lead guided instruction with the nursing staff. So last week we learned the art of a proper twerk. [everyone laughed] Nah but for real, I'm hooked up to my jumper cables but I'm not dead. Shit they getting that work when I'm there. 

Who are you speaking to in treatment?

I've actually met this dope white woman who legit sat next to me on day one and asked if she could take off her wig. I of course said "girl yes take that shit off its hot in here." And we've since become fast friends. She is actually a workout junkie and totally dope. Unfortunately, her results are not so good so I haven't seen her in some time. But she was def a breath of fresh air. 

What are you going to do when its over?

Look fucking fabulous and go out! The results will be what they are. I can not change them in that moment. But the night is mine and I'm taking it! 

Relationships? Love?

Just to catch you all up quickly before I dive into the topic...

- To date I have logged ~10,000 travel miles

- Seen 16 cities (some in duplicate)

- Lost a very dear friend to me from my support group

- Lost 6 more pounds

- Did a 175lb dead lift (whoop)

- Shaved one whole minute from my mile time

- Found a totally new friendship with my oldest friend in life

Pause~ These are major updates I know. But not the things actively on my mind. Play~ 

However, this morning I am grappling with the idea of this relationship I am in. Pause~ Since my last post about this love affair I have since taken the plunge and can say I am in full love with this man. Play~ We are separated due to extenuating circumstances at the moment and you guys this shit is HARD! As a short history lesson, I did long distance and separation with "man" back in the day. And there were two things I took from that experience. 

1. I would never do it again

2. If I had to do it again I would have to find peace and love in other areas

So here I am...in a semi-long distance scenario with a man that I am in love with and I am drowning. Pause~ Just to clarify, we are doing everything in our power to make this work. Its definitely a two way street. Play~ But I'm drowning in the world of how do I keep his up? How do I make sure that everyone is happy? 

And to add to it all, in the midst of this aggressive travel schedule I am meeting those suitors who are so relentless. So. Relentless. Ironically, I guest blogged on one of my favorite women's site and it turned into a testimony of "the power of no." Pause~ That post speaks to all the beautiful women I know that can not go outside without a man trying to be in her face. PUH! Play~ And I go into an airport scenario where I am sitting waiting for my flight waiting on a call (well more like hoping for a call) from the love in my life. And while at the airport bar with a glass of wine and a man sits next to me and asks me if he could join me. Pause~ This is not an unusual occurrence for me in any airport. I am a female business traveler and I'm not afraid to admit I am attractive. Play~ 

Anyway, while we are introducing ourselves I immediately open with "My name is...and I have a boyfriend that I love." And he responds with, "Well that's nice but your boyfriend is a fool to let a beautiful woman like you travel alone." For the sake of entertainment and a two hour delay, I continued this conversation. And just as this man started to proposition me to meet him in my next city my darling pops up on my iPhone screen. Pause~ Talk about perfect timing. Play~ In the end, I said no to this gentleman at the bar and as we were parting he says "You must love this man. So tell him I said he's a lucky guy." And I responded with a smile and said "Yup and make sure you take your wedding ring out of your pocket and put it on before your next city." Pause~ I'm not new to this travel game. I can spot a missing ring from a left hand without pause. Play~ 

But those words "You must love this man" have stuck with me. Have I finally fallen in real love again? Its odd. I mean I am taking this one day at a time. And who is to say this will last forever. In real life it could end tomorrow. But its a space I haven't been in in a long time. I'm enjoying it though.

So here's to love and distance,

Annie P

Anger Management - Its Real Out Here

Confession: For the past 8 to 10 years I have had issues handling my anger. Literally. Like I would blow up for the most minuscule things and one day it came to a pass when I got in a fight and had to be mandated to anger management classes. Pause~ I know some people can not imagine how this is a problem but its real. Play~ So since the second program I went to I've been good. Like I finally found the correct balance to control my anger. Letting things roll off my back, reaching out to the necessary people to help calm me down.

However, maybe a month ago I started seeing trends of me losing control and it finally all came to a pass yesterday (Sunday). I had a packed Sunday agenda. Pause~ When did Sunday become the new fun day? Play~ And I was supposed to do a myriad of things. However, when the first thing did not go as planned I got infuriated. But I stopped myself quickly and reminded myself everything will be ok. Well fast forward to two additional frustrating events and I completely LOST IT! Pause~ Lost it = could not see past my rage knocked me into a debilitating state that left me home and super on edge. Play~ In realizing how infuriated I was I had no choice but to stay home. It took a debilitating six hours to calm my ass down. SIX HOURS! Let me repeat that again six hours. How ridiculous is that? Totally ridiculous.

Now here we are Monday morning and I am exhausted, feeling so much shame and guilty. I missed so many things and people yesterday. But in all honesty I know that I could not be around people. It would have been a really really bad idea. So I sent around my necessary text messages, emails and made those calls. Everyone was totally cool but I don't know if people know how serious this is for me. Pause~ Some people laughed at me when I made note of it. I think its because they think I'm naturally a joker. But this is real life. I'm losing if I don't regain control. Play~ So I came to work and reached out to the programs that I had been mulling over and emailed two.

In the end, I am deathly afraid of not being able to control this. As well as feeling like a damn basket case. Like how many issues can one person have? Its amazing I can fucking get up and get dressed every morning. FIX IT PLEASE!

Breathing.
Annie P

A Deviation to Show Something Interesting

One of my friends sent this link to me and I found it so interesting!

http://fortydaysofdating.com/

What are your thoughts on this?

Painful Pleasures in the Form of a Love Affair

So I have some explaining to do. In my quest to be a better writer I have been guest blogging for other sites and in fact ignored my own blog. So I apologize to you fine people (all 17 of you) that visit this blog when I post. Ok well on to the post!
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Any of you ever fall into a great love affair? Well I have recently. [No I am not in love] Over the past five months I have been engulfed in a true love affair with a man. Pause~ I had to specify because some bloggers will trick you and be like "with a..BLENDER" lol Play~ But yes I met said man, and we did not have an instant "click" moment. Rather it was a real smolder. We met, I wasn't too enthralled with him. He did impressive shit. I did impressive shit. Then did some unimpressive shit and I called him out on it. And here we are.

The funny thing about this love affair is the amount of pain that has come with it. Pause~ Not physical pain but just an uncomfortable pain. Follow me. Play~ In my current love affair we spend a great deal of time apart due to work demands. He travels and I travel. Pause~We both hate it but know its a form of advancement and a means of sustainability. Play~  There are no worries of infidelity (at least on my side) and there are no worries of either one leaving the other.

So the pain? Well it comes in the form of hard truths we have had to share with one another. Pause~ Due to the personal level I will only reveal mine since we are family. Play~ For instance, my lack of wanting marriage, health or staying in the United States forever. His were deep and hard to swallow as a woman. Though with every truth, its like one more knife stab to the heart. Weird part though, we both agree we sorta...kinda...like it. And agreed how refreshing it is to know that honesty can exist in a world of social circles, opinions, assholes, traveling, working, booze and instagram.

Now the tricky part with pain in any love affair (I dont care who you are) there are some things you try to hold sacred. Me personally, its my love of late night music videos, constant list making, cooking at midnight or that I refuse to buy groceries. Pause~ Dont ask. Play~ So knowing that there may be parts of him that he is keeping from me..well...hurts. Is it weird that I have this mild insecurity? Or that I want to know all post five months? Its such a funky painful place to be and personally I have not been here in a while.

Many friends have coined this as me "really liking him." I coin it as "a love affair that has physical perks and loads of interesting honesty." So now here we are, month five with a future of separation with spurts of different city romps and he made me make a solemn promise to keep all communications often and fluent. Pause~ I feel so extra-marital with our plans to meet up in diff cities. LOL Play~ 

In the end, I think that when this new "friendly" association with pain has become a revelation to me in some sort of weird way. And I think in a lot of ways he feels the same way leaving a mutual weirdness. So who knows where this can go. Maybe far...maybe it will end tomorrow. But its dope to know that I can still grow in another way.

Wishing you all lots of love affairs,
Annie P

Capturing the moment

So one of my friends suggested I write this post right now as I am still fresh off the news that...

I AM CANCER FREE OFFICIALLY! 

So weird to even see the words written on the screen and know that its related to me! Well let me set the scene for you all. Pause~ I know y'all love me to set a scene. Play~ 

I wake up feeling noticeable good and get dressed for work. Huff it to the train (since I cant exercise just yet) and then start listening to my iPod and reading my newest love Milan Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being." Run off the train to work (because naturally I'm 3 minutes late) and then get up to my desk and my phone is ringing. Pick it up and here's the conversation.

Me: This is Annmarie

Dr. D: Hi Miss Payne. How are you feeling today?

Me: Dr. D. I'm ok today. Not as much soreness and the swelling is going down. What can I do you for?

Dr. D.: Well we tested your tissues twice and your last ultrasound and you are 100% free.

Me: WHAT?

Dr. D.: Yes! Believe it Annmarie. We are still going to have to do your follow up on June 11th for [insert medical jargon] and you will have your six month check up in November. But I wanted to let you know immediately.

Me: Dr. D. I don't even know what to say. Thank you!

Dr. D.: You are most welcome. Take it easy and call me if you need anything.

Me: Totally.

- sinks in office chair and stares at the screen -

In this moment I have so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, extreme joy, elation, relief and those are just to name a few. But the two words that come to mind are

THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has been there and helped me. So many to thank. So many to reach out to.

But the one thing I will say is that believe in God, trust in yourself and stay as strong as you can!

Annie P!

Post Surgery

So for those who are wondering how I'm looking post surgery here's a terrible shot to give you an idea. Lol 

Well world I DID IT! Old boobs gone...new boobs in. So I wanted to take this post to share some observations. 

1. I am way more mobile than I thought I would be! Now don't get me wrong it's tiring but I'm up and walking around. I've even shocked most of my family and friends with how mobile and upbeat I am. Pause~ In real life once the doctor told me I could move around my mind went into "heal mode" so I've been super alert. Play~

2. Pain is inevitable. Now even though I'm walking I'm definitely still in pain. It's more pressure and discomfort but there's definitely pain associated. 

3. This journey is definitely MY OWN! For weeks prior to my surgery I had begged and pleaded with other survivors from my support group to tell me about their mastectomies and no one would. And now I understand why. It's truly your own journey. Like I'm in pain but not severe pain (thank goodness). I'm mobile but still sore all over. I'm walking but def short of breath. So that's def something to take note of. 

4. Support is way key! My support system has been SOLID AND AMAZING! Between my awesome family and beautiful friends I could NOT have made it this far. From visits, to meals, to flowers, to laying in bed with me this has been truly a system that has raised me so high above cancer that I have to LOOK DOWN to see the sadness I endured before. 

5. My parents will always struggle to speak about this. The P's are amazing! Lets start there. But I know there's a lot of guilt and sadness there. They still can not speak directly to me about this BUT I do see them reaching outwards for support. So I am accepting that. 

Lastly...

NUMBER SIX.....

FITNESS COMPETITION IS IN THE FUTURE ! I have never ever felt more motivated than at this very moment to command this goal. It's coming, I'm doing this and  dedicated. Ready or not world it's happening. 

Changes & READY!

Blog land...the day came and went for me to see my final progress from all my hard work pre-surgery! (Results below)


(Left: January 2013; Right: April 2013)

Whats totally cool about this "transformation" is that it has been more than a weight loss journey. Naturally weight loss is the overall goal but it turned into a mind, soul and body transformation. Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ When making the decision to get my mastectomy at this ripe twenty something age, I didn't know the repercussions that would come from such a decision. Emotionally, I felt like I had failed at taking care of cancer that I would have to do this. Physically, I was fatigued and over everything that had to do with cancer. Finally, soul/faith was at an all time low! There's nothing worse than thinking that you have no spiritual guidance or backing.        

Then it happened on a work trip to DC, I got the call from my doctor about my date options and I sat with my Life Yoda and my Courageous Dancer Pause~More on CD in another post. Play~ and told them what I had just been confronted with. And both ladies wasted no time telling me to stop bitching (literally) and do what I needed.

That next Monday when I was back at home base and I made the call to my trainer aka the Unfat Guru and said "I have this surgery coming up and I need your help." Within the week we had a price and a plan. Now the coolest thing about having my trainer is that he started as a friend. Pause~ Not going to make this sappy promise. Play~ But I say that to say, that UG isn't the best at being a lair. So when I stated my goals and then said "At the end I want to do a fitness competition." He looked at me and said "Umm..really?" Pause~ In no way was he doubting me...but being a fitness master he knows what it takes. And here he was looking at a too big Annie P who was having surgery in months. Play~ But he was totally DOPE! Post my confirmation of said statement he said "Well LETS WORK." He never gave up on me. He never let me negotiate. He never forgave me for bad eating. THAT my friends is a trainer!

So here we are four months later, 6 workouts per week, semi-impeccable eating (def a work in progress) and surgery ready!

In the end, I took a status check on my three faculties (emotional, physical and spirit) and everything pointed to the word READY!

But this post is really dedicated to those folks that always backed me up! You guys never treated me like a cancer patient, supported my fitness goals, stuck around for the insanity and never let me quit! That's what makes this journey/success yours as much as it is mine!

Totally humbled!
Annie P

I Think Im Working Too Much

So I think Im working too hard or am over worked. Pause~ Is there a difference? Play~ I mean I know that in the real world you have to work to pay bills and live overall but I think I am taking it to the next level. For instance, for the past three months, I have worked late and every weekend. I mean I am used to this usual recruiter grind where you work and travel and fit fun in between. However, this week I am especially drained and not happy. I am literally having a hard time deciding to when to do simple things like sleep!

I could bring this to my boss but I think he is in this "nonprofit" grind mode where he thinks that this is temporary. But in real life its not! I am overworked. Like seriously overworked. I make the necessary decisions like leaving work at 6pm but then I go home and am working until 3am and then up again at 6am to catching those last minute questions from whoever. Pause~ By no means am I comparing myself to other folks that have way harder jobs like attorneys who work like crazy. Nor am I or will I complain about the amount of money because I can live and survive on what I make. Play~ This is getting out of control. And whats really crazy is that when I left my old job and came here I made a solemn promise that I would set boundaries....SERIOUS BOUNDARIES! But here I am, overworked and really not happy with how I have let this job take over my whole life. Ugh there has to be something!!!!

Frustrated, stressed and tired,
Annie P

Satisfaction - Holy Week Turn Up!

I know there are some of you that are shaking your head or laughing hysterically at my "Holy Week Turn Up" title. But here we are on day two/three of this monumental week that culminates to Easter Sunday. No need to re-visit what Easter means to me. I gave you guys all that in the last post. 

However, what is totally awesome about today is...

THE VOTE BY THE SUPREME COURT FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE TO BE LEGAL! 

Pause~ I debated about writing this post but I think we as humans deserve the right to speak on what we believe in. Play~ Most people start these things with "as a black woman" but I can not. So, AS A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD, I can say that I am shocked that we are late to this party as a country, but I digress. What gets me excited about today is that I can witness this paramount decision with a Supreme Court bench that is totally awesome. 

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So here's an admission...Annie P is a huge political nerd! Pause~ I do not speak on politics, sports or religion in open forums because some people can not separate opinion from emotions. But alas here we are. Play~ And this day has been a long time coming since the fight started in that one open hearing (which I happened to be watching on MSNBC) with Beth Robinson of Vermont leading the debate in favor of same sex marriage. It was that day that I decided what my views were on the subject. YES! Let them wed! 

However, as time passes you start to hear both sides of the argument and then you get bored with the banter, the ugly debates, the "mistakes" some politicians when addressing the subject and separation of community. Pause~ I'm not here to grand stand so I will stop here but you get what I'm saying. Play~ 

So back to today...this MONUMENTAL day! In true me form, I wanted to reflect on how amazing I feel. Within said reflection I began to realize that my personal living history is pretty damn dope! Here are some items you all may or may not remember:

1. First elected African American president

2. A tragic war 

3. An actual economic recession/depression 

4. Two new popes 

5. Planned Parenthood vs. Casey (1992)

And here we are today, witnessing one of America's oldest traditions act with two amazing facets. Our first Hispanic and third woman justice (Sonia Sotamayor who I love) and the vote that will change state politics all over this "great land." Admit it...we are living in awesome times! 

So on this Holy Week I have been immersing myself on my Pope Francis Rome services and now this amazing political drama that will affect our children and our children's children! Pause~ I felt like JFK right there. Play~ 

Make sure you guys keep up with the news. 

Happy Holy Week! 

Annie P

A Holy Week Evaluation

Well readers the most precious time of year has arrived -- Holy Week!

For those of you that do not know, Annie P is a traditionalist in a majority of things. Traditional religion (though) has been somewhat of a struggle for me over the years; however, Easter is something that has stuck with me. I love the whole pomp and circumstance of this time of year. From Lent to Palm Sunday to Holy Week...I love it all! Pause~ Fret not this post is not about religion or finding religion. I reserve those things for my journal. Play~ 

Anyway, one reason this time of year is so special is because one it takes me to those fun family traditions and the whole excitement of Easter. This year has been extremely special in that I have been able to spend a lot more time with my healing circle mom Sister Marie.

So there are two things to explain. Yes I do belong to a healing circle. I got turned on to it with diagnosis and it has been something of a "warm home" feeling to go in and interact with older women (all 85+ years old) who have no knowledge of who I am or what I've done; but exert all of their spiritual amazingness to me. Second, Sister Marie has a pretty dope living history. A child of a welder, married at 17, first child at 19, dedicated wife, mother and nurse. Lost her husband to cancer and now living in East Flatbush, Brooklyn loving the Lord always. She's seen wars, Martin Luther King, the Civil Rights Movement, Lena Horne and the invention of the tv. Sister Marie (SM) and I got "hooked" to one another when we realized that we were born on the same day! Pause~ There's something awesome about meeting someone born on the same day as you. They have a living history that comes full circle the same day as you but totally different. Play~ This cute 5'4" ball of fire and I also had intense first loves. I mean hers ended in marriage and children and mine ended in debt and tragic sexual encounters. LOL.

Anyway, over the past year she has helped me deal with a lot of things from cancer, to work, to familial disagreements to even feeling lost in love. So this Easter, she ignited something in me that I haven't felt in maybe 3 years -- excitement for a rebirth. How did she do this you ask? Follow the convo between us on Friday evening.

Me: Sister M. What it do boo?

SM: [Annie P] how are you dear? You know how to make a old lady giggle.

Me: Nothing much home from work about to cook some food. Spoke to my mom today too.

SM: That's good. Well Im here. Woke up this morning around 5am and watched channel two and spoke to my grand daughter and then went to the little dance class and now just winding down. Pause~ I love how specific her days are! And she was winding down at 5pm. Ha! Play~ 

Me: Its 5pm. [insert giggle] Well do you need anything? I also want to submit some people to the prayer list but I think I want to come over and talk a little with you.

SM: Sure call me with the names before Wednesday. And talk to me? Why? Talk to Jesus. Pause~ This is always her first response  At first I used ot be offended but then over time I started realizing this was her way of getting me back to faith. Play~

Me: True Jesus is on the mainline; however, I need someone who can actively respond.

SM: Actively respond.

Me: Are you a parrot? You took your medication today?

SM: You are a rude little chubby thing aren't you?

Me: [snickers] Me rude?

SM: You do not need to speak with me. Palm Sunday is on the horizon and we have given you all the Biblical tools you need to talk to Jesus. Now if you want to pass a prayer through me I can do that. I will say I see a great rebirth on the horizon for you. Past surgery and cancer and work. You are on the path to something much bigger than you. But I have to go this phone is doing something. Pause~ It is call waiting. And she always does that to me. Ha! But I go with it. Play~ 

So at the end of the convo I did something I hadn't done in a long time. Busted out my Bible and kind of re-read the passages on Jesus being crucified and His rising. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to actually put that story in perspective along with Sister Marie's words. POWERFUL MOMENT FOR ME!

As a result, once I opened up my mind and heart something wonderful came to me on Saturday. Pause~ Keeping that a secret for now. Play~ 

Anyway happy Holy Week to everyone!

Stay prayed up,
Annie P

Spring Inventory

Watching my flowers bloom computer side and Kanye roars on my Spotify, I am at work kind of taking it all in today! Pause~ This is one of those sit in the moment type moments. So bear with me. Play~ 

Between yesterday and today I started taking a personal inventory of not just materials but everything that make up Annie P. To my surprise, I had great findings. Pause~ I wont bore you all with the list. Its looooonnnnngggg. Play~ However, the biggest finding was that I am totally contented with who I am. Go Figure right? So if you have ever had the pleasure of speaking with me on the regular you've heard me say two things about myself:

1. I am unable to identify with humans that have self esteem issues. Really, its because I am a big black woman who wears glasses and has a personality so big it almost out of this stratosphere.
2. I am outspoken, sometimes funny, a touch nosy with a dash of rude

Keeping these two things in mind, explore the findings with me.

So my "inventory" consisted of re-visiting old blog posts, emails and journal entries and there were so common themes I couldn't deny.

- storytelling

- pink
- cheetah and leopard print
- sequins
- long telephone calls
- sunlight

- love affairs 

- a belly aching laughs

- loss

- friends

- crazy family

Once these themes were identified, something amazing happened! I finally got to classify who I was. Im a drag queen within a gay man trapped in a black womans body! Pause~ Stick with me here. Play~ It was like the smoke had cleared, time stood still and the best belly aching laugh came! I literally made myself laugh to the point of shame. All those facts were true. However, the best thing that came from that discovery was the one thing that all the elements of that description captures. 

I'm a trailblazer in my own right!  

See what we as humans tend to think is that we have to do some spell bounding act to be classified a trailblazer. UNTRUE! Trailblazers are those who no matter what stays true to themselves and strives for excellence always. And in my life, I do it! Pause~ There are some negatives to this but we are keeping this positive for the sake of my excitement. Play~ 

With that, I instantly got proud! Pause~ In no way do I do crazy amazing things BUT I do love a good adventure. Play~ I guess there was a reprieve in the future. 

ON A QUEST!

Annie P

Flower Time

NOTE: Post dedicated to a man setting up his brand, defining his standards, loving endlessly and taking names along the way! Love you EB!
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So readers I got the most precious bouquet of flowers today from a wonderful couple in the far away place named FLORIDA! Ha! Whats cool about this welcomed delivery is that I have been having a helluva couple days. JEEZ! (no pause and plays today)

Well first off, surgery is approaching and like any cancer patient I'm in an impossible war with my health insurance company. Its like all insurance companies have figured out how to work you over now that they cant drop you because of a pre-existing condition. Now don't get me wrong, I am really grateful for the changes that Uncle Barry aka the Prez has made in this department. Rewind back to 2011 when I was diagnosed and starting my treatment I was dishing out close to $800 per month to pay for meds and doctors visits because my "method of treatment" was not preferential. And based on how shitty this economy is I've had to change jobs. So if I was under the old regime I wouldn't even have insurance. BUT....LORD FADDAH!

So here we are, finally at the decision to get rid of these cancerous mounds and I am on the phone daily asking questions about the costs of anesthesia, hospital stays, saline implants vs. gel silicone implants. Anyway, we reached the day where I would have a formal consultation with my plastic surgeon and upon discussion he tells me what his final costs are. Let me tell you all....this is a scene I will never forget. So let me give you as much as I can via this post.

Saturday, March 16th at 11:47am --

Doctor: Well you are a patient of Dan's; therefore, I am going to take some charges off
Me: Oh great! Whew a break FINALLY.
Doctor: With everything included its [hands over paper] $12,000 total. This includes my time, implants, staff and recovery space.
Me: [mouth drops, falls back in chair, head falls, breathes deep] I respectfully have to seek another consultation
Doctor: I understand its expensive but you can finance the surgery and..
Me: [interrupts him] Apologies I will not take out credit for new breasts.
Doctor: Well I will be sorry to not treat you if you choose another physician
Me: So will I.

I left there and went to the train and sat with my heavy heart and $12,000 estimate and rode the 3 train to my stop. I mean what do you do? What do you say?

The days following were much harder than I thought. I found myself sitting in my bed and thinking too expensive to keep my breasts but too expensive to get them cut off too? Shit. There seems to be no reprieve.

And then....

A BEAUTIFUL ROSE AND LILY COMBINATION BOUQUET SHOWS UP! In a box labeled "PRO FLOWERS" and the note "Just because I care about you."

Simple. Timeless. Needed. Appreciated. Loved.

So there is light at the end of it all huh? Shit I hope so.

Hoping!
Annie P

My Saturday

Amen,
Annie P

Revisiting Things I Must Get Done

Hey world!

Firstly, thank you for the tremendous feedback from the post I put up yesterday! I really wrote that as a letter to myself to immortalize that moment in time. Pause~ Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in sensations and all that; that I lose sight of recording that moment. Play~ So its been awesome to see the overwhelming responses via phone, twitter, the comments and email! I am truly appreciative of this network.

Now on to business....

A while back I wrote a piece called "Things I Must Get Done" and the deadline for all things was December 2012. So lets see what has happened thus far.

To Do
Sell a painting I created.
Join a dance class.
Night out with my fav ladies (like all night!) Times 1,000
Get drunk - wasted. Ugh too many times
Color my hair. Times 3
Learn how to make awesome coffee.
Join yoga/pilates classes.
Take the train more
Have my own library.
Picnic by the riverside.
Spend one day lying in bed and not feel guilty about it. Just do nothing but read great books. Laze about. Ok, cut out the books too. Just be so lazy that laziness gets an entirely new definition. Times one million
Meet Carla Harris Totally Awesome Lady
White water rafting.
Go on a photo-vacation.
Dance in the rain - done that - wanna do again. And did it in the snow too
Get a fabulous job
Master one dish which will be handed down generations
Get one step closer to being Oprah
Scuba diving / snorkeling.
Get over my fear(s).
Relearn maths.
Dance on top of a table. In heels.
Hire a decorator

So maybe all of it didnt get done...but we have progress!

Hope your lists are coming true! 

Annie P

A Sweet Departure

Well readers the time has come for me to part with my breasts! Yup you guessed it cancer has led to the eventual mastectomy and reconstruction. Pause~ I am in no way excited. Play~ 

I have been grappling with this decision for the past couple of months....well let me be honest the last full year. Over the past two years Pause~ shit two years! Play~ I have seen what is happening to my breasts just for me to keep them. And let me tell you...there is nothing cute about trying to keep your breasts through something like this. Literally they have been scared, flattened, twisted and pulled in so many directions that really...I don't even recognize them anymore. Pause~ I was never one of those women with "amazing breasts." Quite the contrary actually, they were always saggy and all that with all the weight gain and loss I have had over the years. But they were mine and I loved them. Play~ 

So here we are, the days are winding down, the doctors appointments are coming to an end and I am having to grapple with the surgery - I find myself in a state of worry. The other day, I was home and looking at all my bras and started to imagine what it would be like to have buy all new ones all over again! And I panicked  Pause~ This occurrence wasn't muddled with tears and all that BUT it was telling. Play~ So now that I have to come clean and disclose these surgery dates its becoming more and more real!

I guess this blog was more about transformation but really I wanted to really write something honest about losing the first steps of my womanhood. So heres a letter to my breasts.
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Hello Ladies!

Such an amazing journey we've been on! From inception (aka first menstruation) you all have been a part of the most compelling experiences I have had on this earth. From first bras with mom to losing my virginity. Falling in love to falling out of love. To that day in July..the day of diagnosis  What a treacherous day for all three of us -- "The tests came back malignant." We sat on the corner of 86th Street and Central Park West where I cried for the three of us before getting back on the B train.

I will say, that I had never realized how important you were to my life until that moment in time. You defined my physical womanliness. You proved to me that it didn't matter what the package was that if I wore it with confidence no one could ever steal that from me.

I never would have thought that we would part. I felt like we were in this for the long haul -- you know kids, maybe marriage, houses, vacations and eventual death. But all with my original body parts. Alas, we are here.

I can say that I will miss you all dearly! I feel like a part of what made me authentic is leaving but I know that its time for you both to go. Its the right thing. Not the only thing. The right thing for me at this moment.

Nothing will ever replace this experience and how you/we fought for two years to maintain. From now on when someone asks me what is the most strength I have witnessed I can list "my breasts" as the leading contender.

From the woman I became to the woman I about to be I'm officially signing off!

LOVE!
Annie P

Dreaming of walking there. Book in hand. Love in sight. Ever second. Every minute. 

Realizing Something

So readers it's been a while. But something I vowed in the middle of 2012 was that I would not force the post. However, today some remarkable events occurred.

1. I was thoroughly pissed off! Mostly for the invasion into my workday but more so because I've realised that those who need validation through other people are not my people.

2. I remembered why it's dope to live where I live and experience what I experience. There are very few times in life that someone can say "my city is best" but tonight I got to see Nas interview. Truly profound, dope, funny, nervous, impromptu and everlasting.

I guess through all of that I can say that one of the best commitments I've ever made to myself has been to stay true to my own art! Nas said something amazing tonight -- "How could you lose when you're doing you." TRUE!

I always tell folks that when someone who is self conscious or someone with low self esteem comes to me I have to say upfront "I'm a big black woman with glasses and low self esteem is something I can't identify with." I don't know where my confidence/strength/esteem comes from but I'm happy to be me. So when Nas said it I literally fell back in my chair, shook my head and recorded the quote.

On the ride from the east side to Brooklyn the Marvin Gaye album came on that he recorded post his break up with Barry Gordy's sister and I realised all this time I was wishing serendipity and I had made it. THIS IS MY PATH! Rocky, disheveled, funny, drunken, painful but it's mine.

I know this is something I realise about every six months but that's dope. To come full circle. Everyone be well. Love you and live your art.

Annie P