I have been very fortunate lately to come across some amazing reads. But in general I'm completely obsessed with Patti Smith's "Just Kids" book. The book documents her and Robert Mapplethorpe's love affair and artistic romance in the late 60's through 1989 when he dies.
What makes this my new favorite read of 2012 is that Pattie or P.Smi as I have dubbed her takes you on a poetic journey through her development as an artist through the eyes of love. Pause~ Deep right? I know. And I made that up all by myself! Play~ Now what makes this book amazing is that I can see a lot of my life through the eyes of 23 year old P.Smi. She speaks of love and loss of friends and things.
With this in mind I made a solid list of things that I've both loved and loss on the bus this morning.
Love: people, men, art, painting, cloudy days, Starbucks coffee, dancing, music, expression, passion, unknown, dreaming, working, the feeling of exhaustion, exercise, hair -- long hair, pink, cobalt blue, white girls, love, trees, sunshine, beaches, bus rides, long conversations, family, clutter, comforters and life
Loss: friends, home, money, sleep, men, love, inspiration, zest, therapy, memory, fashion, fucks to give, food, mind space, costumes, understanding, empathy, sex, zest for sex, friendliness, concentration, grandmothers, green spaces, health, creativity, water, vitamins, magazines, political savvy, direction (jeez) and life
Now in no way am I depressed but it was so cool to see what came down on paper. I don't know if it was P.Smi or just my overall feelings but it was nice to review just now. From this list there are tons of things that I desperately want back! Pause~ There are things are more pertinent than others that I realized was gone. Play~ And whats more frightening is that I don't know how I am going to get them back. And in true Annie P form I have no quote to guide the way. But there is some sort of comfort in being lost in the journey. Make sense?
Anyway...today is full of promise. Pause~ I haven't felt this hopeful in a while! Play~ So I implore those who have the time pick up the book.
Love,
Annie P
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Taking Me Time
Morning readers.
So I come to you all with a new sense of purpose today. I had a great night/morning. I've started a longer hair journey post seeing my moms long hair when she was younger. Pause~ Mrs. P was a fancy little thing when she was younger. Homemade polka dot dresses and glasses. She was a boss. Play~ And so I have decided to get longer hair. So with the help of my new hair dresser and some tips I know about doing my hair I am on the way. So last night was a major success in that department.
Other than that I have been exercising as well. So Miss P was diagnosed with high cholesterol. In an effort to not take any medication I'm making sure to exercise and watch my diet. Pause~ I have been doing these things BUT once I gave up meat because of cancer, I started to eat more cheese etc. Which as we all know his high in salt. Play~ So my exercise regimen has def left me feeling more energized etc.
But the reason for this post has more to do with me taking some Annie P time. I didn't realize how much I had been cheating myself until the past three weeks. Once I made this decision to get more me time in its been a saving grace. Getting up a little early to exercise, cook breakfast and just sit. This morning, I was fortunate to get in a 35 minute conversation with my mom. Pause~ My mom is a celebrity apparently. I can never get her on the phone in the evening. So we have resorted to morning phone calls since she is West Indian and is up at 5AM. Play~ It was truly a great time. We talked, laughed and caught up and I revealed that I had a lot of her possessions (ugh by accident). LOL.
So in the end, I implore you all to take some time for you! However you can! Mornings can be excessive for most but at least take an hour in the evening to really get into it. Its def a process.
Have a wonderful day darlings!
Annie P
So I come to you all with a new sense of purpose today. I had a great night/morning. I've started a longer hair journey post seeing my moms long hair when she was younger. Pause~ Mrs. P was a fancy little thing when she was younger. Homemade polka dot dresses and glasses. She was a boss. Play~ And so I have decided to get longer hair. So with the help of my new hair dresser and some tips I know about doing my hair I am on the way. So last night was a major success in that department.
Other than that I have been exercising as well. So Miss P was diagnosed with high cholesterol. In an effort to not take any medication I'm making sure to exercise and watch my diet. Pause~ I have been doing these things BUT once I gave up meat because of cancer, I started to eat more cheese etc. Which as we all know his high in salt. Play~ So my exercise regimen has def left me feeling more energized etc.
But the reason for this post has more to do with me taking some Annie P time. I didn't realize how much I had been cheating myself until the past three weeks. Once I made this decision to get more me time in its been a saving grace. Getting up a little early to exercise, cook breakfast and just sit. This morning, I was fortunate to get in a 35 minute conversation with my mom. Pause~ My mom is a celebrity apparently. I can never get her on the phone in the evening. So we have resorted to morning phone calls since she is West Indian and is up at 5AM. Play~ It was truly a great time. We talked, laughed and caught up and I revealed that I had a lot of her possessions (ugh by accident). LOL.
So in the end, I implore you all to take some time for you! However you can! Mornings can be excessive for most but at least take an hour in the evening to really get into it. Its def a process.
Have a wonderful day darlings!
Annie P
Friday, September 7, 2012
Testimony Time
Hey world!
Its been a while I know. There has been a new change in the life of Annie P. Pause~ Nothing to do with a man or kids (sorry mom). Play~ I am no longer a part of the financial industry and back in the nonprofit world. Pause~ For those of you that know the difference, you know that this is a healthy and substantial life change. Play~
Anyway that work change has been cool and I am having a great time getting my strategic and creative juices flowing. And whats cool about this, is that inspiration comes from everywhere. For instance, one of my initiatives was born off of a NYT article about an ad company giving their employees "space" for any type of creativity that related to the company. Pause~ In being totally random, it always great to read and relate back to my life. Play~ So that has been cool.
But here is the testimony!
Testimony
I was on gchat with a friend of mine that we shall name "Life Yoda" Pause~ There are some people in your life that just have some sort of intuitiveness that you cant ever replace. This is Life Yoda (LF). She is so damn intuitive about life and issues. Always can break it down and shine light. And over the years I find her outlook totally invaluable. Play~ So we were talking about difficult friendships and I posed the following question.
Is a friendship with boundaries really a true friendship?
The reason I asked this question is because I believe myself to be a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/mentee/mentor. Pause~ Lets be clear that the word "good" is totally objective to who/what you are talking about; but follow me. Play~ So when I think of my friendships I want them to be as pure as possible. Meaning we can have NO boundaries and talk about everything. Now don't get me wrong, I speak with my circle about everything. BUT its interesting to understand that out of those that I call close friends 2 or 3 have boundaries where I have to remember to stop myself on certain topics. Its weird. Pause~ I know that some may read this and say "that's why I have one bff" but I'm posing this in terms of your friendships overall. Play~
So I'm putting this out to the blog universe. What say you?
Annie P
Its been a while I know. There has been a new change in the life of Annie P. Pause~ Nothing to do with a man or kids (sorry mom). Play~ I am no longer a part of the financial industry and back in the nonprofit world. Pause~ For those of you that know the difference, you know that this is a healthy and substantial life change. Play~
Anyway that work change has been cool and I am having a great time getting my strategic and creative juices flowing. And whats cool about this, is that inspiration comes from everywhere. For instance, one of my initiatives was born off of a NYT article about an ad company giving their employees "space" for any type of creativity that related to the company. Pause~ In being totally random, it always great to read and relate back to my life. Play~ So that has been cool.
But here is the testimony!
Testimony
I was on gchat with a friend of mine that we shall name "Life Yoda" Pause~ There are some people in your life that just have some sort of intuitiveness that you cant ever replace. This is Life Yoda (LF). She is so damn intuitive about life and issues. Always can break it down and shine light. And over the years I find her outlook totally invaluable. Play~ So we were talking about difficult friendships and I posed the following question.
Is a friendship with boundaries really a true friendship?
The reason I asked this question is because I believe myself to be a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/mentee/mentor. Pause~ Lets be clear that the word "good" is totally objective to who/what you are talking about; but follow me. Play~ So when I think of my friendships I want them to be as pure as possible. Meaning we can have NO boundaries and talk about everything. Now don't get me wrong, I speak with my circle about everything. BUT its interesting to understand that out of those that I call close friends 2 or 3 have boundaries where I have to remember to stop myself on certain topics. Its weird. Pause~ I know that some may read this and say "that's why I have one bff" but I'm posing this in terms of your friendships overall. Play~
So I'm putting this out to the blog universe. What say you?
Annie P
Monday, August 20, 2012
Friends
The coolest thing about friendship is when you see it come together. Today we went to a housewarming for one of our girlfriends from college. Of course we took the journey to New Jersey but it was more than that. She was excited to share her new home and progressive relationship. One thing that I really love is when my friends are moving forward. And to be there in that special moment is and was the most amazing.
In the end it makes me wonder what else the future has in store for us. We are surely going to see many more amazing times but also support exists in every sense of the word. A salute to the wonderful friends in my life.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The man or the resume
Morning all! So last week was a trying one in that I was feeling lonely and just not up to par.
As with anything recently I have been kind of dealing with it. Which as most of you may know is not like me. So anyway I went to see Dr. M and we had a thorough conversation about my emotions and overall threshold. Well let's just say that conversation did not end well. I left feeling angry and low. Not because of what he said but because I thought my healing was further along and it actually had/has a long long way to go.
Well post that I went out with my girls aka pieces of my friend circle. Pause~ These women are amazing! They can and do make me feel 12 feet tall always. Play~ Well I brought up that there had been an idea that had been plaguing me. When falling "in love" who do I fall for...the man or the resume? Pause~ This all plays into the loneliness factor addresses above. Play~
See I went on a man sabbatical and its been great. I haven't really yearned for the comfort of a man BUT it's clear that my complete abstinence from men has not been the right one. So fast forward and I asked most of the winner at work and in the circle. And it was a shock to hear how many women said "the resume."
I'm not sure if I was shocked because of the admission or the fact that I was raised to love people. So it was odd to hear so many women say they would want to know "the man had a promising job" than if he was interesting and could teach you something.
So I brought this to my dad...and of course he called me a child of the sun. Pause~ HA! Play~ Not at all sure what that means but I guess it should explain. In the end, I'm proud to say I would live to know the man. But who knows if that's right. Ugh life is so hard some times.
Annie P
As with anything recently I have been kind of dealing with it. Which as most of you may know is not like me. So anyway I went to see Dr. M and we had a thorough conversation about my emotions and overall threshold. Well let's just say that conversation did not end well. I left feeling angry and low. Not because of what he said but because I thought my healing was further along and it actually had/has a long long way to go.
Well post that I went out with my girls aka pieces of my friend circle. Pause~ These women are amazing! They can and do make me feel 12 feet tall always. Play~ Well I brought up that there had been an idea that had been plaguing me. When falling "in love" who do I fall for...the man or the resume? Pause~ This all plays into the loneliness factor addresses above. Play~
See I went on a man sabbatical and its been great. I haven't really yearned for the comfort of a man BUT it's clear that my complete abstinence from men has not been the right one. So fast forward and I asked most of the winner at work and in the circle. And it was a shock to hear how many women said "the resume."
I'm not sure if I was shocked because of the admission or the fact that I was raised to love people. So it was odd to hear so many women say they would want to know "the man had a promising job" than if he was interesting and could teach you something.
So I brought this to my dad...and of course he called me a child of the sun. Pause~ HA! Play~ Not at all sure what that means but I guess it should explain. In the end, I'm proud to say I would live to know the man. But who knows if that's right. Ugh life is so hard some times.
Annie P
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Icarus
So in Greek mythology Icarus is the son of the master craftsman Daedalus. The main story told about Icarus is his attempt to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. He ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall into the sea where he drowned.
Now the reason I make note to Icarus is that I sort of fell like him today. Trapped, unhappy, lonely and wanting to escape. Pause~ By no means am I saying this is the meaning of the story but this is how I see it. Play~ Recently, I have been reading a great deal and getting my priorities in order (as per usual) and for the past two days a sense of loneliness ensued. So of course I called the person who knows me best and will give me the ultimate love and truth, father P. And in true dad form he gave me the advice I feel like I've been waiting to hear but to chicken to say. I am truly longing for something that I refuse to succumb to.
Now time for a little background. So I have had two dreams recently about weddings and me not making it and/or not being invited. And when I consulted my dad he told me "there is a commitment [I] am ignoring." So in true Annie P form I shared it with my girlfriends and of course we brainstormed but now this thought of a lost commitment is haunting me. So could that be the source of the loneliness? Who knows.
I want to believe that maybe I am missing some sort of man in my life or some companionship with a friend. But I honestly don't think it is. Maybe I have to sit in this emotion. For the most part, I think that I want some sort of "sign" and/or inspiration to wash over me. Who knows maybe it will come with all these April/May showers.
Sigh,
Annie P
Monday, April 23, 2012
Smoke is Clearing
Well today is a rainy day in NYC. And in that regard, I can say things are clearing up in my life. Post my birthday I have been in party go-mode. While that is all fun and good, I have realized that rest is needed on a large scale level. Pause~ I know it should be obvious why but really I need to take a rest. Play~ So no dates, no cultural outings this week just me and my bed post work.
But other than that I have been slowly coming out of a fog. I don't know exactly where/when the fog arrived but it did. I have become less focused as I once was. Like bills are paid etc but I have been like sitting back and letting things happen. So this week we are taking back control. I need to get back on a very diligent timeline for all things (bills, school, work, etc.). And then most importantly, I need to get back on track with the whole therapy thing. I let some things come in front of that and I'm just not ok with that. So i need to get my goals back in order for therapy.
But folks nothing new to really report here. Everything health wise is still where it is. I'm thoroughly enjoying my treatment sabbatical. Its keeping me sane.
Until next time,
Annie P
But other than that I have been slowly coming out of a fog. I don't know exactly where/when the fog arrived but it did. I have become less focused as I once was. Like bills are paid etc but I have been like sitting back and letting things happen. So this week we are taking back control. I need to get back on a very diligent timeline for all things (bills, school, work, etc.). And then most importantly, I need to get back on track with the whole therapy thing. I let some things come in front of that and I'm just not ok with that. So i need to get my goals back in order for therapy.
But folks nothing new to really report here. Everything health wise is still where it is. I'm thoroughly enjoying my treatment sabbatical. Its keeping me sane.
Until next time,
Annie P
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Hard Days
Morning all --
Firstly apologies for the fall off of the blog. Its been a busy, beautiful and hard time (ironic right?!?).
Anyway, before I post anything about the past couple of months, I wanted to put up a post on the current Path I've been on. Pause~ Its been a difficult time with cancer and everything happening at the same time. Play~ So anyway, I've recently found out that cancer is back and it has rocked me to the core. This time around I took another method and had the "life expectancy" conversation with my doctors about it. Really it was more of a "what are we facing moment." Well after much deliberation, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything.
Ok...let me explain. So the reason this decision made sense is because I am at zero. Let me define "zero."
Zero = no faith, strength, ability and/or physical capacity to fight something
Therefore, I decided I needed to rebuild in order to get back to a space where I could fight something as treacherous as cancer. So there we are. Now when telling family and friends no one was happy. But everyone tried to respect my choice. Pause~ The reasoning most came to was that its "[my] life" and I should go about it how I feel. Play~ Well then something miraculous happened, I started to LIVE! And with living came an instant euphoria of things getting better. And then my birthday came and it was amazing! I celebrated and saw and did things I couldn't do.
Fast forward to last night. I met up with two of my friends (one who is leaving NYC) and we got into a conversation about cancer and what I was doing about it. And all of a sudden I went back to a place of sadness. It was no fault to them but it made me realize again how simple my life has become.
Really folks, I know that we try to plan and think ahead but I don't. I'm planning to 42. That's my threshold. If I make it a day past that I will be ever so grateful. And its so weird having that conversation. Like yeah if I make it there I will be golden. Pause~ I'm guessing that's me becoming used to the idea of death and dying. Play~ But yes, that's where I am.
Unfortunately, I have to cut this off because I'm at work but TBC.
Annie P
Firstly apologies for the fall off of the blog. Its been a busy, beautiful and hard time (ironic right?!?).
Anyway, before I post anything about the past couple of months, I wanted to put up a post on the current Path I've been on. Pause~ Its been a difficult time with cancer and everything happening at the same time. Play~ So anyway, I've recently found out that cancer is back and it has rocked me to the core. This time around I took another method and had the "life expectancy" conversation with my doctors about it. Really it was more of a "what are we facing moment." Well after much deliberation, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything.
Ok...let me explain. So the reason this decision made sense is because I am at zero. Let me define "zero."
Zero = no faith, strength, ability and/or physical capacity to fight something
Therefore, I decided I needed to rebuild in order to get back to a space where I could fight something as treacherous as cancer. So there we are. Now when telling family and friends no one was happy. But everyone tried to respect my choice. Pause~ The reasoning most came to was that its "[my] life" and I should go about it how I feel. Play~ Well then something miraculous happened, I started to LIVE! And with living came an instant euphoria of things getting better. And then my birthday came and it was amazing! I celebrated and saw and did things I couldn't do.
Fast forward to last night. I met up with two of my friends (one who is leaving NYC) and we got into a conversation about cancer and what I was doing about it. And all of a sudden I went back to a place of sadness. It was no fault to them but it made me realize again how simple my life has become.
Really folks, I know that we try to plan and think ahead but I don't. I'm planning to 42. That's my threshold. If I make it a day past that I will be ever so grateful. And its so weird having that conversation. Like yeah if I make it there I will be golden. Pause~ I'm guessing that's me becoming used to the idea of death and dying. Play~ But yes, that's where I am.
Unfortunately, I have to cut this off because I'm at work but TBC.
Annie P
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentines Day
Hi Readers!
I know such a formal greeting. But I had to come on and address Valentines Day. So confession time, I did not have a Valentine or any semblance of a Valentine Day date. Pause~ Never mind that this is the first time in TEN YEARS I have not had a date or anything on Valentine's Day...so complete culture shock for me. Play~ So yes, I woke up on the fateful day and was surprisingly so happy! I def loved all the love that I had received from my friends and family. Especially since this is the first time since the break up with "man," Fine Man and Ruckfield that I am COMPLETELY AND 100% HAPPY with being single.
Then y'all it happened. I got the email/call that changed the day at 7PM EST. Someone I know had gotten engaged. Pause~ Disclaimer: I had received news of two other couples I knew had gotten engaged. Both couples I had introduced the people. So it was nice to see that come to fruition for them. Again a happy day. Play~ So yes Elizabeth Taylor calls and tells me that this woman had gotten engaged. Ok now...I don't know why this bothered me but I really posed the question "How does love come so easily to some women?"
Like I literally thought about it and spoke to dear friends and my sister about how I could improve my "love karma." Have I truly messed it up? Is there no way that it can come together? Well in asking those questions, I wrote in my journal this morning about what I should do next. So now I'm completely committed to making this happen. Pause~ This declaration by no measure is me asking for a relationship or man or anything close to that. This is me asking for some clarity around what I'm putting out to the universe in terms of love. Play~ So everyone get ready for this journey!
-------------------------
In other news, so update on my health. Well we received information that I will have to up all of my cancer meds and make sure to get into the doctor more often. Well at this time, I have decided that I am going to take a short sabbatical from the whole cancer thing for a while. As a survivor/patient, I am fatigued with all the talk and treatment. I really want to get back to the goals I set for myself in 2012.
Truly, I can say without a doubt that this journey that I am on is not easy (BY ANY MEANS) but it has provided me with a new sense of self. I am so dedicated to change and growth. It is making me a better friend, sister, daughter, partner and overall person.
I hope you guys are as excited as I am!
Love,
Annie P
I know such a formal greeting. But I had to come on and address Valentines Day. So confession time, I did not have a Valentine or any semblance of a Valentine Day date. Pause~ Never mind that this is the first time in TEN YEARS I have not had a date or anything on Valentine's Day...so complete culture shock for me. Play~ So yes, I woke up on the fateful day and was surprisingly so happy! I def loved all the love that I had received from my friends and family. Especially since this is the first time since the break up with "man," Fine Man and Ruckfield that I am COMPLETELY AND 100% HAPPY with being single.
Then y'all it happened. I got the email/call that changed the day at 7PM EST. Someone I know had gotten engaged. Pause~ Disclaimer: I had received news of two other couples I knew had gotten engaged. Both couples I had introduced the people. So it was nice to see that come to fruition for them. Again a happy day. Play~ So yes Elizabeth Taylor calls and tells me that this woman had gotten engaged. Ok now...I don't know why this bothered me but I really posed the question "How does love come so easily to some women?"
Like I literally thought about it and spoke to dear friends and my sister about how I could improve my "love karma." Have I truly messed it up? Is there no way that it can come together? Well in asking those questions, I wrote in my journal this morning about what I should do next. So now I'm completely committed to making this happen. Pause~ This declaration by no measure is me asking for a relationship or man or anything close to that. This is me asking for some clarity around what I'm putting out to the universe in terms of love. Play~ So everyone get ready for this journey!
-------------------------
In other news, so update on my health. Well we received information that I will have to up all of my cancer meds and make sure to get into the doctor more often. Well at this time, I have decided that I am going to take a short sabbatical from the whole cancer thing for a while. As a survivor/patient, I am fatigued with all the talk and treatment. I really want to get back to the goals I set for myself in 2012.
Truly, I can say without a doubt that this journey that I am on is not easy (BY ANY MEANS) but it has provided me with a new sense of self. I am so dedicated to change and growth. It is making me a better friend, sister, daughter, partner and overall person.
I hope you guys are as excited as I am!
Love,
Annie P
Friday, January 27, 2012
Dinner and Lost Again
So last night, I went to dinner with a great old friend of mine. For the purposes of this blog we will call him Smooth.
I've known Smooth since college. He is an amazing, intelligent, extremely wise and handsome man at the tender age of 23. And since Ive met him, we instantly clicked and became instant friends and confidants. Pause~ Most people would coin such a person as their "little brother" but I cant do that. Smooth is just to mature and on point to give such a title. Play~ So for the past weeks/months we have been trying to get together and catch up. And finally with my goals for 2012 to invest in my relationships, I pushed until we finally set a date. Now there were two main reasons that I wanted to see Smooth.
1) Because I am naturally a little worried about him. Pause~ By worry I don't mean anxiety for him. But more like I haven't heard anything and it worries me that he has taken on so much as a young age. Play~
2) To just get some insight on how he exists on his own.
See Smooth is one of those dudes who can just "be." He literally can be in his house, no TV on and just sit on the couch and kick it. Now for me this is like alien nature. I am always on the go. ALWAYS! There is never a moment where I sit and am just alone in my house or somewhere. So call me selfish but I wanted insight on that.
Well we sat together for about four hours just talking. And not only talking but Smooth was mentoring me! It was weirdest thing ever for the following reasons.
- I have always given Smooth advice
- Smooth is not a huge talker so its interesting when he starts going
- And Smooth (an introvert) was there telling me (the extrovert) how to be more about me
Totally weird! In the long run I left that dinner feeling great.
Fast forward to this morning....
I get up as per usual to get ready for work. And all of a sudden a wave of anxiety passes over me. and the same questions come. "How will I make it through this this time?" or "What will my daily motivation be?"
And all of a sudden I'm in a blur and then on the train and fighting back tears. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know up from down..left from right...its just a feeling of being lost.
So my dad calls to check in on me and of course I'm like sounding a mess and he instantly tells me that I can pull it together. But really there was no pulling it together. There was no rationalization of these emotions. So as a refuge, I'm leaving work early today. I just HAVE to! Its one of those days where you know that you will be no good at anything. Not at being a friend, a sister, an employee or daughter.
Whats crazy about this is that its clear that I live in a world of extremes and am so cognizant of it. But alas I'm finally listening to the universe. Rest is needed.
Finding balance,
Annie P
I've known Smooth since college. He is an amazing, intelligent, extremely wise and handsome man at the tender age of 23. And since Ive met him, we instantly clicked and became instant friends and confidants. Pause~ Most people would coin such a person as their "little brother" but I cant do that. Smooth is just to mature and on point to give such a title. Play~ So for the past weeks/months we have been trying to get together and catch up. And finally with my goals for 2012 to invest in my relationships, I pushed until we finally set a date. Now there were two main reasons that I wanted to see Smooth.
1) Because I am naturally a little worried about him. Pause~ By worry I don't mean anxiety for him. But more like I haven't heard anything and it worries me that he has taken on so much as a young age. Play~
2) To just get some insight on how he exists on his own.
See Smooth is one of those dudes who can just "be." He literally can be in his house, no TV on and just sit on the couch and kick it. Now for me this is like alien nature. I am always on the go. ALWAYS! There is never a moment where I sit and am just alone in my house or somewhere. So call me selfish but I wanted insight on that.
Well we sat together for about four hours just talking. And not only talking but Smooth was mentoring me! It was weirdest thing ever for the following reasons.
- I have always given Smooth advice
- Smooth is not a huge talker so its interesting when he starts going
- And Smooth (an introvert) was there telling me (the extrovert) how to be more about me
Totally weird! In the long run I left that dinner feeling great.
Fast forward to this morning....
I get up as per usual to get ready for work. And all of a sudden a wave of anxiety passes over me. and the same questions come. "How will I make it through this this time?" or "What will my daily motivation be?"
And all of a sudden I'm in a blur and then on the train and fighting back tears. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know up from down..left from right...its just a feeling of being lost.
So my dad calls to check in on me and of course I'm like sounding a mess and he instantly tells me that I can pull it together. But really there was no pulling it together. There was no rationalization of these emotions. So as a refuge, I'm leaving work early today. I just HAVE to! Its one of those days where you know that you will be no good at anything. Not at being a friend, a sister, an employee or daughter.
Whats crazy about this is that its clear that I live in a world of extremes and am so cognizant of it. But alas I'm finally listening to the universe. Rest is needed.
Finding balance,
Annie P
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hmm Today (Take Two)
So today (as in Wednesday) is not such a good day. I got some news yesterday regarding my cancer that wasn't totally bad news but wasn't totally good either. Pause~ Still very thankful to be here. Play~ So now we are back in a heavy treatment rotation and I'm sort of bummed about it. Bummed because I convinced myself that I had beat it but really I tricked myself into thinking that this long term fight was over with the swiftness to which it came.
However, I did let key peeps know about whats going on but isolation is usually my defense mechanism when it comes to situations like this. Whats totally weird is that I feel the isolation coming as we speak. Like I am already starting to back out of social engagements and seeing friends. In lieu of this my friends and family have noticed and are clearly not letting this go down. Pause~ Love them all! Play~ Well now the next step is to just make it happen. So we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk trying to think of the best next step. I should be thinking about my applications and/or the next step in life but really I'm sitting back for a while. We shall see where things go. But in the meantime I'm going to stop here.
Have a wonderful evening!
Annie P
However, I did let key peeps know about whats going on but isolation is usually my defense mechanism when it comes to situations like this. Whats totally weird is that I feel the isolation coming as we speak. Like I am already starting to back out of social engagements and seeing friends. In lieu of this my friends and family have noticed and are clearly not letting this go down. Pause~ Love them all! Play~ Well now the next step is to just make it happen. So we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk trying to think of the best next step. I should be thinking about my applications and/or the next step in life but really I'm sitting back for a while. We shall see where things go. But in the meantime I'm going to stop here.
Have a wonderful evening!
Annie P
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Today
Good morning all!
Today! That is the theme we are living on! Per my previous post, I am on a quest to be alone and really get to know Annie P. As a result, I have been trying to keep myself super distracted. Pause~ Please forgive all the transitions. Play~ In keeping myself distracted, I have realized two things. One, I have A LOT more growing to do and two, I realized that I have a great deal more work to do in investing in my friendships.
Recently, I have had the pleasure of catching up with some great friends between Boston, DC and NYC. It has truly been an amazing experience. So lets start!
Boston
So I have a great friend that I've had the pleasure of knowing since we were 11 and 12. She, like any twenty-something, has been through a lot. And it was great to go out there and spend some much needed QT with her. We spoke about life and love and finding love...blah blah. Pause~ Love that my friends and I can speak about stuff like this. Play~ So we spoke, we ate, we drank wine and went to sleep. The next day we went to church together and then I got back on the plane to NYC. The interesting thing about going to see this friend is that we rarely talk. And I guess it has been that way because we have always been so busy. But it was cool to sit down face to face and just put it all out there.
DC
So this is a trip that was a long time coming. Like many Vandy alum, we have friends all over which is truly amazing. Well I have the pleasure of having a concentrated group of friends in DC. So I went with a great ball of sunshine, my bestie who we will name "Sunshine." Pause~ The nickname should let you know everything there is to know about this amazing lady. Play~ We visited and had an amazing time! We ate, danced, drank and spoke about goals. And in the end, we got one of our good friends out on the town. She had actually never gone out in her new city.
NYC
Isn't it funny that you can live 10-15 minutes away from people and never see them? Well welcome to my life as of late. So these past weeks I have been making a diligent effort to see more of my friends and family. As a result, things are going well. I have successfully seen a good amount of my friends. And I can say one thing...it is/has been an experience catching up.
You see, I had been talking and joking with my friends but we hadn't really gotten to the "meat" of things. It has truly been a blessing to catch up with more of my friends and family.
So here are the plans for this week:
1) Continue to reach out -- there's a long list! And if you haven't been contacted you will soon
2) Lunch with Elizabeth Taylor!
3) Dinner with the ladies who love
4) Therapy
5) Galas and dancing
Wishing you all plenty of blessings!
Annie P
Today! That is the theme we are living on! Per my previous post, I am on a quest to be alone and really get to know Annie P. As a result, I have been trying to keep myself super distracted. Pause~ Please forgive all the transitions. Play~ In keeping myself distracted, I have realized two things. One, I have A LOT more growing to do and two, I realized that I have a great deal more work to do in investing in my friendships.
Recently, I have had the pleasure of catching up with some great friends between Boston, DC and NYC. It has truly been an amazing experience. So lets start!
Boston
So I have a great friend that I've had the pleasure of knowing since we were 11 and 12. She, like any twenty-something, has been through a lot. And it was great to go out there and spend some much needed QT with her. We spoke about life and love and finding love...blah blah. Pause~ Love that my friends and I can speak about stuff like this. Play~ So we spoke, we ate, we drank wine and went to sleep. The next day we went to church together and then I got back on the plane to NYC. The interesting thing about going to see this friend is that we rarely talk. And I guess it has been that way because we have always been so busy. But it was cool to sit down face to face and just put it all out there.
DC
So this is a trip that was a long time coming. Like many Vandy alum, we have friends all over which is truly amazing. Well I have the pleasure of having a concentrated group of friends in DC. So I went with a great ball of sunshine, my bestie who we will name "Sunshine." Pause~ The nickname should let you know everything there is to know about this amazing lady. Play~ We visited and had an amazing time! We ate, danced, drank and spoke about goals. And in the end, we got one of our good friends out on the town. She had actually never gone out in her new city.
NYC
Isn't it funny that you can live 10-15 minutes away from people and never see them? Well welcome to my life as of late. So these past weeks I have been making a diligent effort to see more of my friends and family. As a result, things are going well. I have successfully seen a good amount of my friends. And I can say one thing...it is/has been an experience catching up.
You see, I had been talking and joking with my friends but we hadn't really gotten to the "meat" of things. It has truly been a blessing to catch up with more of my friends and family.
So here are the plans for this week:
1) Continue to reach out -- there's a long list! And if you haven't been contacted you will soon
2) Lunch with Elizabeth Taylor!
3) Dinner with the ladies who love
4) Therapy
5) Galas and dancing
Wishing you all plenty of blessings!
Annie P
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day Two of Love Intolerancy
Ok so now that I have defined what my current condition is, I have been simultaneously trying to get in gear to figuring out where do I go from here. Pause~ Not trying to find an answer but merely trying to land down the next steps. Play~ So day two and I'm at work trying to figure out what I will do next. This is what I have so far.
- Meditation
LOL! Literally that's all that I have!
The funny part about this, is that you all know me! I'm super duper Type A. I will be all over the place with books and newspaper articles. But today I'm like ok...now what to do. Well whatever. Maybe this is the time that I'm not supposed to know what to do about men anyway.
On the flip side of things, I definitely got to catch up with an old friend of mine yesterday and clear the air on some things. She called to do our usual catch up and I had to just come out with the things that I had heard. Pause~ My indifference is fading away and FAST! I kind of really hate it. Play~ Well we were talking and it all came out. We managed to discuss said conversations and come to a conclusion that things were just different and the past was the past. Which really, I was excited for. We were able to just move forward and not be caught up with the little things. So that was a pleasant surprise that I was not expecting. As a result, I am going to visit her and get in some good QT!
Anyway my loves, work is picking up so I have to jet but until next time!
Annie P
- Meditation
LOL! Literally that's all that I have!
The funny part about this, is that you all know me! I'm super duper Type A. I will be all over the place with books and newspaper articles. But today I'm like ok...now what to do. Well whatever. Maybe this is the time that I'm not supposed to know what to do about men anyway.
On the flip side of things, I definitely got to catch up with an old friend of mine yesterday and clear the air on some things. She called to do our usual catch up and I had to just come out with the things that I had heard. Pause~ My indifference is fading away and FAST! I kind of really hate it. Play~ Well we were talking and it all came out. We managed to discuss said conversations and come to a conclusion that things were just different and the past was the past. Which really, I was excited for. We were able to just move forward and not be caught up with the little things. So that was a pleasant surprise that I was not expecting. As a result, I am going to visit her and get in some good QT!
Anyway my loves, work is picking up so I have to jet but until next time!
Annie P
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Love Intolerancy
Well readers, today I am SICK! And not just like cold sick but sick sick. Pause~ Don't worry not the focus. Play ~ So as any sick person would do, I took the day off of work yesterday. And by day off I took a REAL day off. No blackberry, no logging in, no conference calls! However, while I was home thinking healthy thoughts, it ran across my mind that I may be love intolerant! -- Stick with me here.
So my definition of love intolerance is the following.
- Someone who is detached from their emotions and therefore, unable to really appreciate and/or respect the
sanctity of a romantic love or relationship.
Pause~ Believe it or not that definition took me a whole two hours to come up with. Not because I'm slow or was distracted; BUT I wanted to give a loose definition to a phrase that kind of sums up my current romantic state. Play~
In the past year and a half, it has become clear that I can be considered a proverbial "man eater." I have had a series of romantic encounters (dates, relationships and sexual alike) that has not managed to turn into a fruitful long courtship. Now I agree, like any woman I may have had some "unrealistic" goals in mind (ie. wanting to be courted but no relationship attached or wanting a relationship without all the baggage). However, with the ending of Ruckfield it has become apparent that maybe the problem is not men its essentially me! Pause~ By no means am I putting myself down. But really, it can NOT always be the world! The world responds to what you put in it. So maybe I am putting out something wrong. Play~ Now I am forced into a realm of what can I do to turn this around. Of course, like any human I have no answers and really I don't think I am on the search for one. Maybe I need this "time" to make this thing called my life better.
Really though, I would be lying if I was to say that I am not sad/upset by this decision but really in the end I can not really sit idly by and think that ALL MEN are the problem. They can NOT all be bad. And I am beginning to believe that more and more as I interact with certain men.
See when I interact with a man - mainly the two I have met in this current mental state - I start to ask the questions that most women shy away from.
- What is your thought of a perfect sexual encounter?
- What happens tomorrow after you leave?
- How would you feel if I said my career means more to me than you ever will at this moment?
And really, the men I have asked all have the same reactions.
1) Shock
2) Cool
3) What ifs
4) Acceptance
Once the dust settles, they are the first to kind of get quiet and I usually say "Feels good not to have to sell me a dream huh?" Because really, don't sell me anything because although I am window shopping...I ain't buying it! There is nothing that a man can tell me that I want to hear. Pause~ Please excuse the shopping metaphor but you know what I'm getting at. Play~
So readers, I've decided to take my cancerous, no man having, career-focused, slight OCD having, photo taking ass to the backseat to watch the "show," learn and correct myself!
2012 is my rebuilding year! I hope you all are on the same track or better.
Love,
Annie P
So my definition of love intolerance is the following.
- Someone who is detached from their emotions and therefore, unable to really appreciate and/or respect the
sanctity of a romantic love or relationship.
Pause~ Believe it or not that definition took me a whole two hours to come up with. Not because I'm slow or was distracted; BUT I wanted to give a loose definition to a phrase that kind of sums up my current romantic state. Play~
In the past year and a half, it has become clear that I can be considered a proverbial "man eater." I have had a series of romantic encounters (dates, relationships and sexual alike) that has not managed to turn into a fruitful long courtship. Now I agree, like any woman I may have had some "unrealistic" goals in mind (ie. wanting to be courted but no relationship attached or wanting a relationship without all the baggage). However, with the ending of Ruckfield it has become apparent that maybe the problem is not men its essentially me! Pause~ By no means am I putting myself down. But really, it can NOT always be the world! The world responds to what you put in it. So maybe I am putting out something wrong. Play~ Now I am forced into a realm of what can I do to turn this around. Of course, like any human I have no answers and really I don't think I am on the search for one. Maybe I need this "time" to make this thing called my life better.
Really though, I would be lying if I was to say that I am not sad/upset by this decision but really in the end I can not really sit idly by and think that ALL MEN are the problem. They can NOT all be bad. And I am beginning to believe that more and more as I interact with certain men.
See when I interact with a man - mainly the two I have met in this current mental state - I start to ask the questions that most women shy away from.
- What is your thought of a perfect sexual encounter?
- What happens tomorrow after you leave?
- How would you feel if I said my career means more to me than you ever will at this moment?
And really, the men I have asked all have the same reactions.
1) Shock
2) Cool
3) What ifs
4) Acceptance
Once the dust settles, they are the first to kind of get quiet and I usually say "Feels good not to have to sell me a dream huh?" Because really, don't sell me anything because although I am window shopping...I ain't buying it! There is nothing that a man can tell me that I want to hear. Pause~ Please excuse the shopping metaphor but you know what I'm getting at. Play~
So readers, I've decided to take my cancerous, no man having, career-focused, slight OCD having, photo taking ass to the backseat to watch the "show," learn and correct myself!
2012 is my rebuilding year! I hope you all are on the same track or better.
Love,
Annie P
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy New Year!
Well darlings, the time has come and it is FINALLY 2012. I was planning on doing a post dedicated to things learned from the past year; however, it seems moot at this point in time. Pause~ When it comes to reflection I can be a little long winded so I will spare you wonderful folks the headache. Play~
So for 2012 I have some set goals in mind. Namely, getting my shit together and getting back on track with the plan that I had before. Of course, I have some obstacles to conquer (ie. cancer-be-gone being number 1) but really its all about getting myself back to the track I was on beforehand. Outside of getting back on track, there are some new goals I have in mind for myself as well like getting out more! I really want to get out and meet more people. Within the past two weeks, I have managed to meet some amazing people now that I have come back to floating into my other groups of friends. Pause~ I love my close knit circle but once I began floating around like I had once before, my network grew exponentially. Silly and simple realization but worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. Play~
In addition, another goal is to be a bit more selfish with myself. I need to get back to me again. I started last year and then there was a brigade of men and then Ruckfield. Pause~ That has ended by the way. But alas that story I will save for another post. Play~ So here we are trying to get ourselves back on track and on the journey to peace! Ahhhh...what a wonderful concept.
Speaking of my journey to peace, here is the progress thus far.
1) We have began to meditate and pray more often. Both have offered some additional clarity I do not think that I could have achieved without it.
2) Exercise is going very well! 10lbs down and counting.
3) Reading has recommenced.
In the end, I think/know 2012 will be a year of growth for real! There are so many opportunities looming that I think I have to make things happen. Hope you all are having a wonderful start as well!
Finding Love Again,
Annie P
So for 2012 I have some set goals in mind. Namely, getting my shit together and getting back on track with the plan that I had before. Of course, I have some obstacles to conquer (ie. cancer-be-gone being number 1) but really its all about getting myself back to the track I was on beforehand. Outside of getting back on track, there are some new goals I have in mind for myself as well like getting out more! I really want to get out and meet more people. Within the past two weeks, I have managed to meet some amazing people now that I have come back to floating into my other groups of friends. Pause~ I love my close knit circle but once I began floating around like I had once before, my network grew exponentially. Silly and simple realization but worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. Play~
In addition, another goal is to be a bit more selfish with myself. I need to get back to me again. I started last year and then there was a brigade of men and then Ruckfield. Pause~ That has ended by the way. But alas that story I will save for another post. Play~ So here we are trying to get ourselves back on track and on the journey to peace! Ahhhh...what a wonderful concept.
Speaking of my journey to peace, here is the progress thus far.
1) We have began to meditate and pray more often. Both have offered some additional clarity I do not think that I could have achieved without it.
2) Exercise is going very well! 10lbs down and counting.
3) Reading has recommenced.
In the end, I think/know 2012 will be a year of growth for real! There are so many opportunities looming that I think I have to make things happen. Hope you all are having a wonderful start as well!
Finding Love Again,
Annie P
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