Men Men…Man!

(no pause and plays today)

There is a friend I’ve had for a while now and for the purposes of this post we will name him “Music.” Music and I met while I was in college. The funny thing about our meeting is that it wasn’t even me that he met first. He was genuinely interested in one of my close friends and we met and kind of clicked! So while in college Music and I just kind of meshed in many many many ways (ha!). We had a lot in common and learned a lot from one another; at least I like to think so.

However, as things go…college ended and I moved back to NYC and he stayed in Nashville and we were separated. No more late night talks, partying or just laying about. ::insert sad face:: But the great thing about Music is that he and I never let the distance kind of push us apart. As cliché as it sounds, we would go months without talking and someone would call/text and then the updates would just flow.

Fast forward, six years into our friendship (jeez) and like anything else, life got in the way and we went a forever long time  without connecting. Now, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I really thought about who I would want to tell. Not for the sake of just telling but who did I really care about that I would share something so scary. And surprisingly Music was one of those people I just had to tell.

So as life would have it, I sent him that faithful facebook message and he texted and I confessed about my illness. And magically, the love came oozing through. And while the love never stopped, I can tell that we both reassessed that our friendship needed to be more “dependable” and/or “consistent.” So as the wonderful man he is, he has tried to text and/or call as often as he can.

So the overall reason for this long post is that as I’ve stated I try not to keep a lot of men in my circle of friends. However, there are some men that just need to stick around. As a result, I am so thankful, grateful, ecstatic, amazed and blessed for a wonderful friend that I have in Music. He is my muse!

So readers, recognize that man/men that change your life. They need praise too!

Grateful!

Annie P

Awesome Nights

So blog world, I have been keeping a secret from you all this time and it rests in the form of five women that I have come to cherish dearly over the past year. These women....these women...

So as some background I've known two for more than half my life and the other three kind of fell in my lap. Either way they have become part of my past, present and future. Pause~ Some people have come in my life quickly and left just as fast. So this is a nice change of pace. However, I will say that I want to reconnect with two friends in particular but I'm working on that slowly but surely. Play~ Well we decided to do a secret Santa this year and it was a simple drawing of names and we each bought each other a gift (duh as secret Santa's go). But what was interesting was that, we came together updated, spoke of goals and ended the night with a "thankful" tone for eventually meeting/communicating with one another.

What makes this union totally random and amazing is that it started with ONE email chain. Literally, I decided that I needed a space where I could vent about the good and bad. And I brought it up with one of the girls and we decided to make it a daily thing. Now we are 143 days later and countless email chains and I literally can not imagine my life without these girls in it.

As a result, I want to say that most people are unsuspecting. Some come in as an aberration and others come in and just take over subconsciously. I don't know how it happened but it did and I'm forever grateful.

Merry Christmas!

Annie P

Finding Peace...Again

There is a funny story that my dad once told me about finding peace in life. Unfortunately, I do not remember the story word for word but the resounding theme was that when it comes to trying to find peace you have to isolate the good, recognize the bad and work through it all. Pause~ My dad has always been an avid reader which rubbed off on me at an early age. So I remember him telling me this story when I was about 15 and I never truly saw the value until I was about 19. Play~  So here we are, on the Wednesday before Christmas and I feel like I'm in the fight of my life to find peace.

Yesterday was indeed a trying day. Between work, home and personal relationships it was an emotionally draining compound day. However, in waking up this morning, I meditated Pause~ This is my "new" old thing that I do to bring myself some sort of moment of quiet outside of sleep. Which has also not been happening. Play~ And after meditating I finally started to feel some semblance of needing to find more and more and more peace. Now whats crazy about identifying this feeling is that I have NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN GO ABOUT IT!

So like any normal type A personality, I arrived at work and literally Googled "peace tactics." And even in that search I have been severely overwhelmed with the options. My usual tactics when I need to relax is to run away from my life for a weekend. But due to some looming work trips that's not going to happen.

That's that in a nutshell. Annie P is looking for peace...again! And then it makes me wonder if I ever really found it in the first place?

Ugh,
Annie P

Annoyed

Yeah so this week of holiday goodness has me thoroughly annoyed for the following reasons.

Work
- Ok so there is a lot going on with the structure of the team I am on now. Nothing crazy but enough to make you think "how the hell is everything falling this way towards me?" Pause~ I work hard at what I do. I don't complain because I love what I do. But this is out of control. Play~ So here we are, Monday, and I am just annoyed at all the mundane shit that I have to do. And not only do I have to do all the mundane shit but I have to do all my real work on top of that. Jesus be an assistant.

Love
- Well Ruckfield and I are still fighting. Pause~ Not really fighting but me kind of drifting to a realm of "I see this ending" which is no place for Annie P to be. Play~ At this junction in his life there are external things happening that he is not happy with. So as an easy out he is using me as the scapegoat. Well if that's the case, then I am going to mentally prepare myself to be pissed off and just not care anymore. Which is so not right because he had been so awesome through the whole cancer scenario. But I feel like if I am just a punchline then I cant be with someone like that. Its not ok to be someones punching bag and I learned that a long time ago from "man." So that's that all together.

Life
- So I have reached the pinnacle point in life where its fight or flight. And at this point I think I'm almost to the flight stage. I think that through this past year there has been a great deal of bad and a nice amount of good that has occurred. But really, with all the "life" things that have been popping up really I want to sit in the bed and just not move for a couple days. I don't know when/if this will ever occur but a girl can hope.

Other than that I have an immense to do list that I have been unsuccessful at knocking off.

- Mailing my donated present
- Finishing up my Xmas shopping (sidebar: SO HARD THIS YEAR)
- Organizing my NYE plans
- Cooking (ugh)
- Sleeping!

So yeah I'm a mess and annoyed and just overall pissed off.

Annie P

First Fight

Well readers Ruckfield and I are having our first real fight.

The funny thing about this is that we have had disagreements in the past that have lead to not talking etc. But really this time we are fighting but ironically...its totally silent. Pause~ Weird but true Play~

So the argument is about the level of attention he is receiving from me.  And really the attention thing I can understand because in the beginning of our courtship, I was dealing with the most tremendous conflict...Cancer. However, in the past three to four weeks things have changed remarkably in my health. Pause~ There are still bad days but more good/great days are appearing. Play~ So upon that turn in events I think that Ruckfield felt that I should have bounced right into the doting girlfriend mode.

Now what is interesting about this is that through the whole breast cancer thing...I completely lost myself. So now that we are doing better and feeling better I'm just trying to get back to the me I remember. I've started taking pictures again, writing and trying to get back to those things I really loved doing. I miss my friends that I used to hang out with...that I retreated from. However, I am able to recognize that as things change for me I have to make sure that I am including him. So in hindsight, I am to blame for this. The question I now have to face is...how do I make this better?

In all of the conversations or lack there of that we have been having, I know that I am now fighting an attitude of indifference on his end. Pause~ I am the master of indifference. That is my safe space. I know how to work that space very very well! As a matter of fact I am not afraid to dub myself "Queen of Indifference." Play~  Therefore, I don't know if I have the fight in me to really push past that. I want to (ideally I really care about this man) but so I have the energy or the foresight to really break those barriers? The reason I ask is because I know how indifference roles. Its more of a tipping scale. If something really good happens they fall to that side. However, if something really bad happens they fall to the other. There is no "gray" in the world of indifference. So with that added pressure its one of those...damned if you do or damned if you don't.

So readers...I guess I'm reaching out for advice. Let me know what you think I should do? Is it worth it?

Eh,
Annie P

New Feelings...New Projects

Good morning readers! I have been gone...I know. But I took a hiatus to come back positive and on track!

So there are some developments and some just overall improvements.

1. We are in full blown breast cancer remission! Last ultrasound was amazingly clear and I have been cleared
    to exercise. Pause~ We have some work ahead but its great for it to be gone! Play~
2. I have decided to write a "something" about my journey with cancer. Pause~ Although a blip through
    the blog, it has been a long process of everything you can think of. And although I may never
    publish it formally, I think I will pass it along for those who are interested to read. Play~
3. Me and Ruckfield are madly in love. He met the family on Thanksgiving. And it was nice for him
    to be there and interact. He generally had a good time and everyone seemed to like him. Elizabeth Taylor
    and her husband were not present but they usually don't care to meet people I'm dating anyway. Pause~
    Its a shock and a wonderful development. So Christmas here we come. Play~
4. Me and "man" have started to mend our friendship. Its been an interesting change. Pause~ Recently, it
    became clear that we are still amazing friends and we are trying to make that work. We are not
    hanging out everyday but we are making a conscious effort to be cordial. Play~
5. The P. family is alive and well!
6. Baking is in full swing! My first round of holiday cookies came out "yummy" according to my niece and
    nephew.

In the end, things are moving along. One of my favorite things about this time of year is that your bank account doesn't matter nor does the amount of things you have. But more so the family and friends you have around you.

Merry Christmas!
Annie P

Found...

Another lump...

This saga continues

Prayers all around!

New York Times & Annie P

This morning while sitting at work, I decided to read one my favorite newspapers online. Pause~ I love reading the newspaper! Its one of my not so secret loves. Play~ And as I was reading the New York Times online, thanks to Mr. P, I strolled into the Wedding Announcement section. Pause~ I'm usually not a fan of the wedding announcement section for the simple fact that for years the NYT was not publishing announcements regarding same sex unions. So I personally took it upon myself to miss out on the lovely stories. Play~ So as I was scanning I came across the following couple.



Meet Bill Bryan White and Joseph Bryan Eure. They are a NYC couple getting married in the Plaza Hotel restaurant in the upcoming weeks. And as I was reading their story of love and trust, there was a portion where they described how they met. These two wonderfully successful men met ONLINE! Pause~ I don't know why I was shocked. I mean I do but I don't. Play~ So they meet online and keep talking and meet and fall in love. A true fairytale.

So now here is the true question....are we not supposed to meet significant others organically anymore?

I mean that's a real life question! I know a myriad of people who have met the ones they love/dating online. And it seems like their love/like is real. I just wondered...how do you tell the ones around you about your chance meeting? Or do you not say anything at all? So weird. Pause~ These are the areas of grey that exist I guess for me. Play~

Anyway upon reaching the end of their announcement, Mr. White so eloquently said the following.

"Meeting Mr. Eure, he continued, 'made me realize that I wanted a quality, healthy, loving relationship — and that’s what I have with Bryan.'"

Man...that was deep! As a girl who now thinks that marriage is not for her, I wonder if I will ever get to that point. Is there a day that you wake up and the one you are with is the one you should be with? Anyone that follows this blog have an answer. Please feel free to chime on in!

Later,
Annie P

PS. For the full announcement please see the following link: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/fashion/weddings/bill-white-bryan-eure-weddings.html?ref=weddings

Countdown on the Week

So this week is going to be busy and somewhat exciting.

I have a busy week and not a great deal of time to get everything I need to get done accomplished. So here we are Monday afternoon and I have one thing complete. And soon to have one more done in a moment. But really, I am not excited at all. I want to be and as a matter of fact I NEED TO BE!

But in retrospect, I'm just tired. I spent the better parts of my weekend in a deep slumber. I did speak to some people, worked (A LOT) and tried to clean but really, I didn't do much of anything. And that has been the move for most of my weekends. I just have little to no motivation to do anything. Pause~ Of course some of my friends will drag me out here and there but trust serious thought goes along with such trips. Play~ In the end, I can blame it on a myriad of things but really its more so about being tired of everything. As of late, I feel like New York has become watered down to me. Like of course this is the "city that never sleeps" but really I haven't been that impressed with the happenings here.

Usually around this time, I would be planning big nights out on the town and plotting a great caper for the Christmas season. But for some reason, I feel like a Grinch. And not just any Grinch, but the Grinch who wants to be home alone with the TV and a nice cup of tea. That's it...nothing more...nothing less. Pause~ Many that I have told this have scolded me for "throwing in my youth" but really its not that. Everyone has a moment when they just want to SIT DOWN! Play~ So anyway readers, I hope that this ho-hum post hasn't dulled down your Monday.

But you know that's where I am!

Signing off,
The Grinch Annie P

Feeling Raw and Loved

So readers today is a horrid day! Horrid because I got some news about this health thing that really shook me up inside and out. Pause~ I'm in no mood to speak about it again. Play~  But today was just hard! And really I don't have any additional strength to keep fighting anymore.

This morning I literally cried for a full hour at my desk. Pause~ For those who know me, I am not a crier. I usually try and get everything out in a logical fashion. But this morning it all built up into an unusual need to just cry. Play~ While crying it out, my coworkers passed by and usually I would try and hold it in but I just couldn't. And albeit I feel much better but I know there is much more crying to come. I just want to be NORMAL! Pause~ I'm fully aware that normalcy is subjective to different people. Play~ I want to worry about what I'm going to wear over the weekend. And when I will have a boyfriend and paying my light bill. Instead, I worry about fertility and how the next co-pay will happen. Oh and how I'm going to fit in the next hour long session with a doctor who insists on telling me the hard part is over. I'M A TWENTY-SOMETHING! This is lame!

In the end, I know I'm supposed to be grateful that "we" caught it early and that I have a great support system. But really y'all, nothing in this world can prepare you for cancer. And really, NO ONE CAN EVER REALLY UNDERSTAND! No part of cancer is easy. You try and be strong and you try to show people the better side of you. But really, today I just felt like I had salt thrown in my wound. I was too tired and sick to take a shower. Too tired to get up to clean my bathroom. These simple things that people complain about I could NOT do! That's a mess in my book! In the end, I did cast out the message to some people and let them know that I was a mess today. And the love came in from all sides.

So today I'm just feeling raw and exposed. There are no ways to say it other than that. I guess strength comes after the reveal. So please pray that I can get some more.

Love,
Annie P

Wednesday...sigh

So today I am HORNY! Pause~ I know TMI..but isnt this about sharing! Play~ Between all the stuff goings on and the new man its time to get it popping! So guys.....wish me luck! Hopefully I can get it popping tonight!

Annie P

Tuesday Tea Time

Good morning America! How are we today?

Me I'm doing ok today for the most part. Woke up and that's a blessing.

So today's topic will revolve around sustaining in an unsustainable environment. Pause~ Today's blog is not a rant or long complaint. But rather an ode to making sure people understand. Play~ So through "my reveal" I have come across two types of people. One group who will just offer an encouraging message. And the other group who will mimic a stage 4 cancer patient. And well readers, at this point I want to say, that even though I am going through this terrible time, we are all going through some hard time. No one is cruising on "easy street." Pause~ This is not a diversion from me to you all. But rather a conversation to say that my hard time should NEVER overshadow someone else's. Play~

The reason I bring this up, is because yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and usually she calls and asks the same three questions and then she rushes me off the line.

1) How do you feel today?
2) Do you need anything?
3) Have you slowed down at work?

Now I love her dearly for asking. But yesterday before she could even get the words out for question one, I bombarded her with "How are you doing?" And then the tears started to flow. The poor thing had been going through so much! I couldn't even keep up with the happenings. And when I asked her, why she hadn't spoken of all this before, she answered "Because you have cancer!" Pause~ Enter shock face. Play~

So on that note, I had to let her know that she did not have to cater to me. Friends are here for each other. This was not a one sided relationship. I was so shocked! I couldn't believe that she had put my diagnosis above herself. Pause~ I know its hard to believe but its so weird to hear. Play~

So in that fact I've come to the decision that its time to show you all that I am in fact 100% FABULOUS! In that regard, I am having a "I'm Cancer Free (almost)" cocktail party! And folks its going down!

If you are interested in attending comment to the blog! We are going to dance, drink and over all be merry!

"Big or small boobs we are saving THEM ALL!"




Love ya'll!
Annie P

5 Miles and Hundreds of Smiles Later

So this weekend was the Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk in Central Park. Based on my last post, you all can guess that I was there to take part. So the natural assumption was that I would have been at the forefront raising money and telling the world that I have breast cancer and am surviving. WRONG!

So like I noted in the last post, I have been very silent on the topic of cancer; specifically my battle with cancer. And when the walk came, I spoke with my support group members and they told me I should treat this as a "coming out" so to speak. Pause~ Love my support group! They are awesome women and incredibly strong. No offense to my dear dear friends. But you all have no idea what this is. For instance, if I tell a friend that I cant taste any food...they usually put on a face of pity. But I tell a woman from this group and she goes 'hey it will come and go.' In that one comment it lets me know that I am not alone and that someone else is going through what I've been through, Play~ So I formed a small team of 10 that dwindled to 6 and we met up on Sunday and walked.

The best part about Sunday, outside of seeing all the women and men walking for a cure, was seeing my friends walk a whole 5 miles starting at 9AM with smiles on their faces in support of...well...me! That was a gift that keeps on giving. In addition to that, I received phone calls and text messages from those that know about my disgnosis letting me know that they were thinking of me. That was amazing as well! It all made things come full circle. The best way to describe it is like waking up from the best sleep you ever had. You are aware, thankful and just in awe of what has occurred. It was a divine day!

Based off of that amazing day and people's amazing commitment to my health, my goals for this week is as follows:

1) Complete preparation on my "I'm Fighting Cancer" party
2) Hand written cards to all those who have been there

More details on that as the week goes by!

Have a FANTABULOUS week all!

Annie P

The Reveal

Good afternoon world!

There is a lot to catch you guys up on. So please be prepared for a very long post today.

Well the big reveal aka elephant in the room is that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. And its been a trying. The great news is that I caught it so early that it can be combated and I will feel great. Pause~ It took a lot to reveal that. I've been very ho-hum (as Vexy would say) about the whole cancer issue. Play~ But anyway the reason I have decided to share is because this past week.

Let me preface this with letting you all know that prior to this week I was in a mode of indifference. Now as usual I would fight sticking in this emotion. However, as one day passed into the next I wanted to stick it out. Not because it felt good or it was interesting...I just wanted to not "default-to-sad." Pause~ Sad was just too easy in my opinion. To me its like blaming God. I feel like everyone expects me to be sad and/or hurt over my diagnosis but I'm not I'm very hopeful. The indifference came over me because it seemed like no one was actually listening. Play~  So post speaking with my therapist and my mentor I came to realize that this was a normal feeling. People usually go through stages of emotion. And that was mine. Now fast forward to this week where the anger set in.

Monday I was angry about going to work...Tuesday I was angry because I couldn't put my finger on why I was angry..and then Wednesday I was angry because my mom called and lectured me and then it all came to a culmination yesterday. So yesterday, I went to see my therapist and we spoke about the anger. The anger came down to the fact that I do not want people to identify me by my diagnosis. And in all my efforts to combat that, I had in fact done the primary thing I didn't want others to do... I became my diagnosis.

As a result, I decided to get off my ass and get back to the blog. It was time. I had been away too long. And really I became a pro at juggling shutting people out while keeping some at arms length. Pause~ To this day, only one has truly witnessed the "raw" Annie P. And I can tell you, she is not a bitch and/or snob but rather a girl with all the worries in the world. Play~  I mean I would like to think that some where along the line for those who do see this side of me they will not run or shy away.

Now in true Annie P fashion I must update you on the recent happenings.

Family
This is a heavy subject. Really there has been a great deal of happenings on this front. So I will break it down.

- Ms. P:
Ugh...exhausting! She has made some mistakes throughout the past couple months with me. Not so much that I cant forgive or it hinders our relationship. BUT my mother has simply become the ideal victim. She needs more comforting than anyone I know. Pause~ My mom is a natural martyr. She is the quintessential parent who will worry herself into panicking others and then will emerge successful when the world bends to her. Play~ No offense to Ms. P but our new conversations have come to be her lecturing me on things that affect her life. So needless to say I have taken a vow of silence when we speak. I bring up prevalent things and answer the ways in which she wants. Pause~ Step 1 to attaining sanity Play~

- Elizabeth Taylor
Another exhausting and daunting person. So like true sisters we have had a tremendous fall from grace recently. And really I don't care about what was said but it was the action that was taken. So in an effort to just move forth I have also decided to take a vow of silence on that end as well. Pause~ I love talking to my sister but happenings on that front was very lame. Play~ So here we are almost a month later and I haven't had any words with her. And really, I'm not ok with it because internally and externally I have a lot going on. So I will cross that bridge when I'm ready. And if its met with resistance then I will just have to live with those odds.

- New Sister
So for those who do not know I have another older sister. And really I haven't spoken to this sister in almost five years. Pause~ I know I know...but a series of events occurred and it just made me so resistant to even messing with her. But alas here we are....Speaking. Play~ So with the diagnosis and my mother's reveal to the world about it...my sister found out. Now she called and we spoke for like 30 minutes and she has genuinely been there for me. And not in the pushy way but in a way that has been super helpful. Now in true P family fashion, she did try and help me out with my mom and that backfired TERRIBLY but I mean I get it and I'm over it. No need to cast a vow of silence on her as well.

Friends
My friends are still awesome. Some, who shall not be referenced, have had some shady dealings lately but really I can care less. There are other things to worry about. Pause~ Sanity being one of them. Play~ But for those who really have been there they have been amazing! Whether its a call, card, visit, text, email...whatever it has been amazing. Support comes from all sides and I'm happy I'm heavily blanketed.

Men
Oh this is a good one...

Well, I have met someone new and he is amazing. For this occasion I will dub him Ruckfield. He is a true man's man with a cooler than a fan demeanor. Through our courtship we have had a myriad of ups and downs. Pause~ By courtship I mean dating...like real dating but with a twist. See when you have cancer that is the thing you have to speak about first off. Because if you don't it will be weird when I feel sad or sick on any given day. Also, its hard to explain why you have prescriptions all over and you chug a myriad of pills a day. So there we are. Play~  But this man has been there through them all! And when I reference, ups and downs I mean with me primarily. His support is unwavering and his love is undeniable. Below is a story for you to see what I speak of.

A couple weeks ago he came by because I was severely sad and just really sick. I hadnt mentioned to him that I was...I think he just felt it. I wanted to see or speak to anyone. Just stay in my apartment and be..alone. However, he came anyway; not to stay or have a long visit but just to stop by. And he asked if I was ok physically and then gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. After he left, I was running back to bed and there was a note address to me on the night stand. It said the following:

"One of my favorite things about you is your strength. And when you're weak, I'm here to be that pillar. ~Love [Ruckfield]"

How do you refuse a man like that. So there will be more to come on that subject.

To end this very long post, I will say I have come to a new conclusion.

I always thought that the things that have occurred in this last year ("man" problems, dating, friendships ending, etc.) was some sort of karma that came full circle to me. However, with the dawn of this cancer, I have come to believe that I'm supposed to go through all this and come out the other side a "new" person. Its really time for me to ditch the old loves and come to new ones. And since time is definitely not guaranteed to no one Im on top of this.

So the lessons I want to impart on you all today are:

1. That no problem/scenario is so bad! Things happen and you deal. Let go of the anger and move on.
2. Let people deal with things in their time. This goes out to those friends who may feel offended by lack of contact or appearance. True friendship transcends all gaps in time.

Until next time loves!
Annie P

A Week With Myself

Hello all! Happy Thursday.

Ok about that previous post...things are a little out of control but all is well. I can assure you of that.

In the past week alone with myself there has been one thing I come to discover. I'm actually ok with being by myself. Pause~ Big shock! Play~ For the past couple of weeks I have been forced to pretend like things have been "ok" and "manageable." But really they aren't. Not even close. I'M STRESSED, SAD and OVERWHELMED. In this life, I have had my share of struggle but recently its all become too much. From money worries, to family connections, to work, to friendship maintenance...all the stress is looming.

In the past week, I had been forced into my own loneliness once I got sick and just had to deal with it alone. Pause~ Up until this moment, I have had someone around to check on me and/or set demands on me for rest. In general, I've just had company. Play~ And within this week, I was forced to see where I stand in terms of "coping." And really you guys, I stink at it. I guess that's the first step...recognizing that I stink at the shit.

Its funny, for the past couple of months I have felt like a lackluster person but really I have coached myself through it stating "Once we make it through this week...we are good!" Well there was no making it through the week. And really...I need to be all the way real. I NEED HELP! Like serious help! I need to have people who are willing to help me through this in every way! Consider this my cry out.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? UGH

Annie P

Sucks!

Life sucks...the end!

A Letter to a Friend

As the year passes all of you have been on the journey with me via dates, break ups, triumphs, happy moments, loss and failure. However, what I have neglected to say through all of that is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Pause~ There will be no “pause” and “plays” today. Play~

Over the course of the year, some of my closest friends have been put to the test as well. Whether it be sickness, loss of a job or love. However, on Monday I received the best news that came in the form of a phone call. At about 6PM, I received a call from one of my bests that stated they had received a DREAM of a job offer. And of course in true Annie P fashion, I immediately (well sort of) jumped up off the bed and screamed “CONGRATULATIONS.” Now what was odd about that one moment was that my friend was so overwhelmed by the news all he could say was “thank you.” For the fifteen minutes that followed, I sat on the phone explaining how it was “ok” to be overwhelmed. And he finally agreed and then…thanked…me! Such a surreal moment to sit on the phone with such an accomplished and strong man and he offer me a thank you for simply “being there.”

It’s such an amazing moment when you realize that one, you have amazing friends and two, they are humble to boot. Post that conversation, I found myself taking five minutes to sit in the living room and just…well…sit. I thought about a myriad of things – how grateful I am that the prayers and long talks have worked, how thankful I am to be fighting off whatever demons are coming at me and how awesome life is. And then, the weirdest thing happened, I started to feel overwhelmed myself. I sat there and didn’t know what to do next. All I felt was a wave of emotion but not for me…for my friend. He had quintessentially reached the “light” at the end of the tunnel. All those trials and tribulations, all the struggle had culminated to a wonderful double entendre of success and a sweet ending of struggle!

In all, I guess I realized that all the complaining I do is merely silly. It is simply my turn to struggle. This is my time to go through it all and then come out on the other side a winner. So to my GREAT friend CONGRATS AGAIN! And thank you for the wonderful knowledge you have impressed upon me. Nothing is too great…nothing is too much….the only thing that is left is strength!

Until next time,

Annie P

Friday...

Today is Friday. A big day in my week for the simple fact that I made it through another week. What am I doing this weekend...home in bed. That's the life I'm living.

Love for today: Simplicity and thoughts of grandeur.

Until Monday!
Annie P

Therapy

So readers, I have begun going to see a therapist. Pause~ Note: I'm not clinically depressed or something crazy. Play~ The reason for going to see said therapist happened because I started seeing myself drifting away from the original Annie P.

When listing one of my "good" characteristics, the one thing I like to believe is that I am a caring individual. Pause~ I use caring because this is something I have heard others say about me. Play~ However, over the past year my genuine feelings/emotions have all drifted away. And in a nutshell, within the past 12 months I have become so detached that I can not get worked up or emotional about anything. Pause~ Most people I have told about this, have said that I should see it as a "blessing" BUT I know that its not. Play~

Whats crazy about this new trait of mine is that I didn't come to realize it until one of my old friends told me that she had noticed it for quite some time and was able to list examples. With the passing of my family member - I was very matter of fact about it. With the new development in my health - again no tears, just this is what it is. Pause~ By no means am I "ok" with either event but I did treat it as another symbolic shoe that has dropped. No emotion, no tears, just another day. Play~ So when she pointed this out to me and members of my family agreed; I decided it was time to get myself in order. So here we are, three intake sessions later, and four appointments and I have my own therapist.

Background on said therapist who we shall name Dr. M. He Pause~ By no stretch of the imagination did I EVER think I would be seen by a man! In my mind I always thought I would end up with an African American woman, a little older and married. So this was a shock. Play~ So he is around 30, FINE (yes I said FINE), very smart and an overall chill guy. My first session with him some time ago was awesome. He was able to call me out on my bullshit and basically make me talk about what was really going on. Pause~ Real shocker! I can be very surface with new people so first session in and he had me going. Play~

So as the weeks have passed, we have been having great sessions (even in my weak state) to discuss what is going on and address some new coping skills. Now I know you must be wondering why I am writing this post. Well, I really wanted to let you all know three things.

1. Annie P is on the road to ok! Some days are worse than others but I'm making it.
2. On this path to becoming a better person, I wanted to let you all in on the things that is helping me along 
    the way
3. The real reason why I haven't been blogging as much.

So on to reason three. The blog posts have halted because I have nothing to say. Pause~ Can you believe that? Play~ I never thought that when one becomes emotionally withdrawn the thoughts just stop. And consequently that's what happened to me. Therefore, as the feelings disappeared, I decided I couldn't possibly get on a blog and speak about things I love, or men I'm dating or even other relationships I'm cultivating. In my mind, a relationship, thought or sentence with no feeling is...well nothing.

So here we are, the continuation of a quest to discover all the things that I love!

Rebuilding,
Annie P

Last Days...

I know its unusual for me to blog on a weekend but today marks the last day of something epic in my life. Well world..."man" has finally moved. Pause~ It has been a long haul and I thank all those who have been on this tireless journey with me. Play~ And in retrospect the separation wasn't as I thought it would be BUT its clear for my sanity it had to happen.

You know the old saying "hindsight is always 20/20"..well I'm in full hindsight mode. Yesterday afternoon as he packed the smaller items and then bagged the remaining clothes I started to remember those happy times we had. Pause~ "man" and I had been together for 10 years. So its easy to fall into those moments. Play~ And upon watching the last piece of paper and final shirt go into a bag I realized we had finally reached the end of a long tireless journey. Now post him leaving, I felt a wave of emotions. The first was overall excitement. I mean who wouldn't be elated!?!? I had finally cleansed him physically out of the space. Then the second and third emotion that followed was fear and overall uncertainty. Pause~ As stated in previous posts there has been a great deal going on health-wise with me. So it has been a long scary road that continues. Play~

However, moving past those feelings were simple and somewhat effortless. And upon thinking about it I realized that I had finally done it. I'M...COMPLETELY...OVER.."MAN." Like OVER HIM! No more anger, no more hurt, no more worry...just FREEDOM from those emotions. So like most recent Sundays , I came over to my moms house to let her look over some things and discuss the weeks health happenings. And I told her about "mans" move. And she immediately pointed to my ring finger on my right hand. Below is how the conversation went.

Mom: So he's gone and its over why are you still wearing that ring?

Annie P: Because its mine.

Mom: But that's a symbol of something that is no longer. It doesn't even fit anymore. Somethings are inherent [Annie P]

Annie P: So mom what I am supposed to wear on this finger? Pause~ I rarely change my jewelry hence the question. Play~

Mom: You want a ring? I have one sitting in my room waiting for you. Pause~ Yikes wasn't expecting that answer. Play~

Annie P: Oh...ok..well give it to me.

- End Scene -

As you can tell I wasn't prepared for that answer from her. I was thinking that she would just say "when you are ready to take it off you can take it off." However, in true Mrs. P fashion she cut me right at the ankles and put a new beautiful ring on my finger. Pause~ This is the part I love about my mother. She has no time for the nurturing aspects that most people do. When shes finished with something she is finished. Play~ So I'm now wearing this gorgeous ring from my moms hand and I have now realized...I have reached the end. These past two days are in fact the last days of something that needed to end a while ago.

In conclusion, I guess I have realized that in any break up there are hard times but when you reach the end you are at peace. However, the peace that you (or at least I) thought would come was not a hands up, fist opening moment. Instead it was a quiet apartment and a beautiful ring. Hmm who would have thought.
Well happy Sunday loves! Until tomorrow's post!

Annie P

"I Can Not Be Destroyed"

So readers the best things happened to me today. And in an effort to keep things streamlined Pause~ not feeling to great Play~ please see the below bullets.

• Read "New York" magazine today and there was a profile done on Martha Stewart and her "fall" post her insider trading fo-pah. Pause~ I'm still in disbelief that Martha aka the goddess of home goods could make such a poor decision about money. Play~ And throughout the profile, the writer exposes a woman that has made some terrible decisions but also believes 1000% in her brand and what it brings to the masses. At one point in the article, Martha is asked the question "What have you learned from this experience?" and her emphatic answer was "I can not be destroyed!" Upon reading that I literally paused on the train. What an epic answer! Through all her trials and tribulations, the one notion she came to was that she, Martha Stewart, recognizes her worth and refuses to be moved. So in that regard readers, I'm taking a piece from her wisdom and revitalizing myself.

• While in court today Pause~ Don't ask Play~ I received an email from my awesome cousin from a blog she frequents called "The Daily Love." Pause~ Please subscribe to this blog. Its overall awesome! Nothing bad to say about Mastin and his words of wisdom. Play~ So this article was focused on how we, humans, date based upon current self esteem. And the overall take away was that if you do not know your worth then you will simultaneously date way outside of your realm because you think you cant do any better. Pause~ I know not like ground breaking BUT what are the chances that these two pieces of literature would land in my mailbox and my inbox on the same day. Play~ So upon reading Mastin's thoughts of course I reflected on my time with "man" and the ending. And I just decided I'm tired of the whole damn thing. I'm tired of the story, I'm tired of the break up, I'm tired of the questions and its just damn well time to move the hell on! UGH!

Well now that these two things have happened, I have catapulted myself into a three step process to better living overall.

1) Cleansing out the bad - A while ago I had "cleansed" the bad friendships out of my life. And in that regard I have been able to identify my good friends versus associates. However, as I tend to do normally, I forgot to purge bad relationships. Pause~ I know you all must be thinking what is the difference. But sad to say there is one. Bad friendships are those friends that you choose to cut off because they have piss poor judgement. But bad relationships tend to be those individuals you keep around because of comfort, love, lust and/or whatever other items. And I'm sad to say, but I still have some of those people around. Play~ So from this day forward its time to PURGE.

2) Getting my spirituality on - The funny thing about this bullet is that my relationship with God was never lost. However, I have begun to slack. And as things got "right" in my life I def figured "ok Annie P time to come up off this obsession and put our sites on something else." And while that was "okay" at the time, I definitely let it slide all the way off. Pause~ There have been drastic things happening in my life but I'm still a believer in "free will." Therefore, I have been willing myself to be better overall but haven't looked into my divine intervention. Overall, there is a difference with being grateful and making sure to thank the Creator all around. Play~ So on that regard, I have begun to fast. For those who do not know, August denotes Ra Madam in the Muslim culture. So along with one of my co-workers (who is Muslim) I am following the tradition and fasting. Pause~ I am not converting BUT I am taking heed to the prayer times and eating rituals. Play~ Overall, the experience is very powerful. As intelligent as I can be so wrapped up in life and my own problems that I have ignored the simple things necessary to survive. So this experience is making me very cognisant of that.

3) Getting it together - Well this is a no brainer. Its time for me to move forward with my career. Pause~ For those who do not know, I am a master at trying EVERYTHING. If its a game changer, I probably will invest myself into experiencing it. Play~ So on this regard, I have given myself six months to get things in shape. I need to make these applications/business moves/development opportunities happen. Its time to make sure that I have things in order. So that's that on that.

In the end readers, I know I make a great deal of proclamation on things that need to be done. However, the one thing I love about being human is that you can always re-invent yourself! And I'm not at a point of re-invention Pause~ I feel like that happened when I was serial dating ::shudders:: Play~ but rather I am at a point of refinement. So stick around for the journey. Its definitely going to be something worth reading about!

The new and improved...Annie P

PS. If anyone else wants to join in please do so! I would love to hear about your progress as well!

Friend or Foe?

So family...today's topic has to do with a recent event that has taken place with a "friend" of mine. Pause~ The fact that friend is in quotation marks doesn't mean that we are completely out of touch but I am on the verge of letting that go. Play~

For the sake of all things we shall name her Music. So I met Music about two years ago via a wonderful friend of mine from college. And naturally we became friends. Music is the same age as me and she is an aspiring singer/actress that is currently playing a major role as a personal assistant. Pause~ I always feel bad for the talented. There is usually no room for full dedication for your craft when Con Ed, National Grid and Macy's is on your back for payment. Play~ So we have been good friends up until recently.

Well Music started messing this man we shall name RR. RR is a man that is possessive, stupid, arrogant and all around an interesting character. So in messing with RR, Music's sense of self and just overall confidence. She has managed to let this man steal her identity. Pause~ I say this in terms of she has lost all confidence in what she can do and the level of happiness she can achieve. And that is the most volatile crime in any relationship. My thoughts. Play~

So lets fast forward to last weekend. Music invited me to RR's BBQ in Brooklyn. Ok so fine, I decide to go as support. Pause~ I understand what it is like to go to a BBQ where you know no one and then your man has to entertain. Cool I'm good as a "wing man." Play~ So I invite my friend Vexy and she meets us there. Pause~ Vexy is my dashy Jamaican girl! She is the quintessential human barometer. Play~ Upon arrival, Music was introducing us to RR and Vexy managed to give him the up and down look as she was introduced. Now....in no way was she trying to be rude but that's her character. And as her friend, I knew what it was. She is who she is. So of course because RR is ignorant and a child all wrapped up in one he stomps off and becomes infuriated with this interaction. Pause~ I can understand taking the look the wrong way BUT in all sense of the notion, he needed to "pull his skirt down." No grown person should get so "offended." Play~ So as we were there now trying to calm this ape down...Music gets screamed at Pause~ Totally inappropriate Play~ And then she STORMS OFF AND LEAVES ME AND VEXY! Like LEFT US....at a BBQ she INVITED US TO! HA! Pause~ Really not funny but interesting in the fact that she didn't think twice before leaving. Play~ As a quick snapshot to how the conversation went between us its below.

Annie P: Music...where are you?

Music: I left...I'm on Kings highway

Annie P: So you left us?

Music: Yeah I'm walking home.

Annie P: But...you left us...

Music: I cant take RR...I cant stay there

Annie P: Ok...that's fine..

Music: Yeah bye

- End Scene -

REALLY THOUGH?! You left us! Ok that's fine. So in conclusion, both Vexy and I had to walk home from where we were which was a LONG LONG LONG way away. And upon conclusion of our nightly adventure, the only question I had was "Is this girl really my friend? OR is she just stupid?" Up until now I have no answer but I have concluded that I am too old to get left anywhere. Therefore, going anywhere with her is just not going to happen. But its like really? People do that? Hmmm

Until next time,
Annie P

It Rained

Helloooooo all!

It has been a long long time since I have posted something. So this post will serve as an update to you all about what is/has been going on. Pause~ Bullet points are the best way to get this post completed. Also, this is the best method to put seven drafted posts into one. Play~

• Work: Going great for the most part. Have a lot of work to do but things will slow down Pause~ we will get to why in a second Play~ I started to have a better relationship with my manager who I thought at first was maniacal and a little too nutty for me. So now that we can have candid conversations about personal and work items things are getting pleasantly better. So as the days progress it is becoming more and more clear that I made the correct "leap" when coming to this new position.
• Life: Well that is another story. So I am going to give you all the breakdown in each department.
• Health: A gamble right now. Something has come up that has forced me to slow myself down substantially. I'm ok for the most part but there are things I need to take into account and in addressing my mortality there are a great deal of things that I love to do that have had to fall to the way side.
• Dating: Well that is on hold as well. However, if you were to speak to my friend Vexy she would have something different to say. Pause~ Isn't it interesting when you make a declaration that you are not...repeat...am not interested in anything you are suddenly approached with some appetizing proposals? hmm Play~ So that's that. Fine Man and I are still talking. He is working all the time so that leaves little time for play; but we are trying to be patient with one another. I will say through the "health issue" above he has tried to play the supportive role which has been interesting to watch. Pause~ Interesting because he knows we are not an item but is still trying to "be there" without being overbearing. I want to see how much longer its going to last. Play~ So that's that on that.
• Family: GREAT! My family is awesome!
• Friends: Hmm...where do I begin. So my friends are amazing. And I know its easy to say since everyone thinks their friends are amazing but my circle is truly amazing. However, in all of the fabulousness that is my friends there is always one ugly duckling that manages to show its true face. Pause~ That's a post for later on today. Play~ So in excising that person, we have now come through with clearer outlooks.
• Love: There is a new love in my life. No its not a man or a pet. I haven't been able to articulate it as yet but its there. Pause~ Has that ever happened to one of you? Knowing there is something that makes you pleasant in the morning but you cant quite put your finger on it? Weird! Play~

In the end, no matter what the issue or trouble I am still making it as we all are. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Love,
Annie P

I AM SENSITIVE DAMNIT

In the past weeks I have begun polls with my friends regarding some character traits. And let me say this...I have been VERY SHOCKED at the answers that have been provided to me.

This conversation originally started back in April when I went to visit some of my good friends in Tennessee. Pause~ I am so grateful for my college experience. I met so many new people and a handful have become some of my closest friends. Play~ So while in TN, we were at a friends house (::cough:: drinking ::cough::) and the conversation of "first impressions" came about. Now somewhere in the mix, a friend of mine we will call DarkDiamond stated that many people were shocked that her and I were friends freshman year. Pause~ Background on DD, she is an AWESOME person. Like up until meeting her never thought I meet someone that was honestly better than me. And I use the term "better" because it is the only word that really suites her personality and all around awesomeness. Play~ Now when she said it, I stopped and asked "Why would they say that?" And she said (in the nicest way possible) "Because people thought you weren't a nice person."

GASP...GASP...GASP... Then as I sat there, mouth wide open, the others in the room started to nod their heads in agreement. WELL...I...NEVER...

I couldn't believe it. Me...not nice? Hmm. So then I started to inquire about why. And the overall answer was that, my general attitude appeared as if I didn't want friends. Pause~ I was an 18 year old girl from Brooklyn, making friends has always been easy for me. BUT I wasn't like breaking down doors to be friends with people. I had the typical New Yorker mentality. Get where you need to go and get there on time. Play~ Due to my comedic demeanor, of course, the first reaction people had when I seemed "shocked" was to laugh. However, as they realized that I was taken aback they immediately started saying the good friend thing that you have to say.

Well post that, I started a quest to ask certain friends first impressions. And upon going out for my friend, SunChilds, birthday I started to inject the notion that I consider myself "sensitive." Pause~ By sensitive I mean, empathetic to people's plights. Play~ And again, we sat there and everyone started to giggle and immediately disagree. So now here I am, at a table with 10 people and they all are telling me I do not appear sensitive on first contact. Really?

Well so now I'm here and I just have nothing to say. I really thought my sensitive side was out and about! Who knew it didn't really show. I mean I am not trying to change that. Maybe that side of me is only meant for those who know me. Or maybe my sensitivity is something that should stay masked because kindness can be seen as a sign of weakness. Well for whatever reason, I am happy in my own skin. So eh...sue me!

Annie P

Do Men Call Women Anymore?

So last night while at work, I had a conversation with FM and it started off a little angry in that he was annoyed with me. Pause~ Can you believe that? Annoyed...with me? Annie P? Noooo Play~ And in speaking he asked me if I thought it was right that he always made the first call/text. And immediately my answer was, "I never thought about it. To be honest never even noticed that fact." Pause~ Not being mean just honest. Didn't notice that was what was going on. Play~ So we go back and forth on the issue for about fifteen minutes where he gets to speak about all of his "feelings/thoughts" and I get to respond. However, at the end of the conversation I was left with the question...

When did the tables turn? Is it not in a man's nature to court a woman in that way anymore?

Whats funny about the above questions, is that I already know the answers. I'm not shocked and/or amazed that he addressed me the way he did BUT I am shocked that the conversation regarding this matter lasted for FIFTEEN MINUTES. Pause~ Fifteen minutes is a LONG time. And its a long time because I spend 99.9% of my day on the phone and/or talking. So when I'm having a conversation for leisure, it usually is something I enjoy talking about OR something that wraps up quickly because the person on the other end knows that I am working. Play~ Call me shallow and/or mean but like stated in previous posts, my free/down time is precious to me. So in the end, I did apologize and state that I would make a concentrated effort to make those calls and speak to him more often. And upon hearing my apology, I could immediately tell that he was elated to know that I had ceremoniously "given in." Pause~ The new attitude took hold in the midst of that convo. I'm not arguing, I let him put his issue on the table, I listened and then conceded. No need to argue. Play~

Fast forward to this morning, I'm on the 6:32AM train to work and I began to think...Is my lack of phone communication indicative of my actual "like" for this man? So now sitting at my desk, Ive been forced to think about this for the past twenty-five minutes. And the conclusion I came to is...yes I do like him. I'm just not in the boot licking phase anymore. So hmm...where to go from here?

Annie P

All Hail Sinfully Sweet!!!!

Come play for the baddest section on the parkway....yes I am putting in a shameless plug! Inquire within for pricing!

Day Two - New Attitude

So as a continuation to yesterday's post, today I'm breezing through. I'm not too concerned with anything just making the days come together. So love for today: People watching

For the past couple of days I have been sick. Pause~ I hate getting sick in the summer time. All zest for events/things/places manages to fade. Therefore, leaving me to build excitement from damn near zero. Play~ And in being sick you are forced to slow down and observe the people, things and actions that occur around you. Well for the past few days, I have seen the best and worst of it all. Pause~ People are funny. Play~ Not to say I am surprised, but its interesting when you are forced to recognize certain traits in people. What they coin as "real" and/or "authentic" starts to show as "maniacal" and/or "irrelevant." Pause~ The two traits identified at the end of that sentence are not "bad" traits per say BUT when they appear one begins to wonder how it was ignored all this time. Play~

However, the good that came was in speaking to Elizabeth Taylor yesterday. In speaking about the weekend's events, we came to the conclusion that being sick is not all that bad. You start to recognize where the work/life balance is. And sad to say, my work/life balance is waaaaaaayyyyyyy ooooooofffffffffffff. I didn't even notice! Well the real statement is, how could I have NOT noticed all this time?!

The typical Annie P Monday-Friday goes something like this.

5AM - Wake up for work
6AM - Arrive at work
9PM/9:30PM (on average) - Leave work
10PM - Home
11PM-1AM- Answer emails from home
1AM- Sleep

Now that's pretty damn drastic. Pause~ It can be hard for me to believe that there is THAT much work to be done. However, there is! Who knew. However, with every new position there is the good and the bad. Play~ And then to begin scheduling my other extra curricular activities, I would come to work at 6AM to leave by 6PM/7PM to get to the next venture. Pause~ Seems insane but you have to love what you do. Play~ So its become apparent that with becoming sick it had a great deal to do with lack of rest and not listening to my body. In bringing this back to the "love" for today, its time for me to start making sure that people understand my life. I am 100% committed BUT I also have career oriented goals that I must keep intact. Pause~ They never fell off; however, when trying to please the crowd you forget to please yourself. Check out the post from yesterday. Play~

In the end, I dedicated a full hour yesterday to map out everything in my life thus far. From work travel, to extra-curricular, to sleep needs, to free time. Pause~ I know it seems excessive, but that's what its come to. Acceptance that the day only consists of 24hrs and I have to be asleep for atleast 5-6 of those. Play~ And I think my admin and I devised a great plan! I will be sure to let you all know how this goes!

Mapped and planned!
Annie P

Everyone's Issues

So my weeks have been fleeting by lately and I haven't had time to blog much. No excuse no apologies...life happens and that's that. However, as I approach travel season for work, I have come to realize that lifestyle has become a problem. And its clear that I need to make sure that I make time to understand all the issues.

For everyone reference, below is a breakdown of what the word "issues" means at this present time.

1. Problem with time 
2. Miscommunication
3. Being on someones time 

Now my usual actions to either one of the three would be to argue until my point is heard and understood. And to further that, maybe throw in some "below the belt remarks;" however, at this point there is no need. In gaining a better understanding of people, its become apparent that people need to get out what is bothering them. No need for words back and forth, just listen and adhere. Pause~ I know it sounds like "giving up" and/or "whatever" but its neither of the two. In life you can not satisfy everyone. And when you try you lose. So here we are. New attitude in adaptation. Play~ 

In the end, I have always known that people can not be pleased with you 100% of the time. BUT in learning that lesson a long time ago, I never took the time to realize that the ceremonial "fight" is not worth it either. Pause~ If there was one thing I learned from arguing is that it puts you on edge and ruins your day. For what? All to recap the day with "I had a terrible day because I was fighting with [insert person]. SIKE! Play~ Anyway, no love for today I'm behind on that for now. But I hope you guys have a great day.

Retiring to my corner,

Annie P

Readers Thoughts

So throughout my challenge to myself, I realized today that I never asked you guys what you love! Pause~ I know how ludicrous is that?! Play~ So for today, I want to hear from you guys!

Below are three questions. Please choose one and leave me a short comment. Pause~ No pressure. It can be one word or a full paragraph. Nothing but safe space on this side. Play~

1) List something you love.
2) What is one goal you need/want to accomplish?
3) Have you ever been in love? Pause~ Just me being nosey. He he Play~

Ok so to break the ice I can start!

Name/Alias: Annie P

1) List something you love.

• Hmm...nothing material at this point. I will say the one thing I love at this point is my new found passion!   I have so much passion for things. Since the break up between "man" and myself I have been able to submerge myself into the things/thoughts that I had been suppressing. One example, this blog! So that's been a nice transition.

2) What is one goal you need/want to accomplish?

• One goal I NEED to accomplish is my move overseas. I have been speaking on this goal for years. First it began as a "joke." Then one day, I picked up a book on my destination and it dawned on me that I would LOVE to be there. Pause~ As "party-focused" as many of my peers think I am, I am actually a lover of culture and all things new! Play~ So starting seven months ago, I have become much more vocal about my move. I plan to go in five years. My plan is so intense that it has phases (1-4) and I have built a rigorous informational interview platform to get as much information as I will need to be successful. Many of my friends think I'm being "funny;" my sister, Elizabeth Taylor, seems to believe me (love her) and the parents just shrug it off. But I know I'm going to get there one way or another.

3) Have you ever been in love?

• Um yeah! I was in love for a long time with "man." Pause~ I know I speak about the bad a great deal in this blog. However, there was a great deal of good! Play~ We had great times, chats, dinners and relations (wink wink). But in the end, our love faded and we are now working on a new type of love, friendship. As of now, things are fresh but I am confident that one day in different spaces and places we can really be best friends. "Man" will always be the ying to my yang. Pause~ Not sad lover talk. Trust that ship has sailed and sank and become embedded into the earths crust. Play~

I'm all ears!!!

Annie P :)

Calculated Risks

So readers, on this Tuesday afternoon, I unfortunately do not have much to say. My life has been pretty mundane to say the least. I had a great/tiring weekend that consisted of work and more work but rewarding none the less. So love for today: Following your heart.

As stated in previous posts, I am involved in a great deal of business ventures. One in particular that is close to my heart is my own personal business. Pause~ Maybe I didn't mention this, but I have a client service business that allows me to help other small/new business owners get themselves out there. Play~ Since starting this venture, there has been plenty of ups and downs BUT I am lucky enough to say that there has been major ups!

So a little background on the Annie P biz. I came up with the idea when I met with one of my friends who was starting a tutoring company and needed some advice on fundraising and overall marketing. From there, we built a strategy, identified holes in business plan and other necessities to get it off the ground. Once we were in full swing, I felt like I was on a high. I was doing the two things I loved, strategy and execution. Pause~ Nothing was all cakes and sunshine. We definitely had heated discussions and long moments of silence. When mixing business and friendship you usually have loads of difficulty finding a happy medium. So post this, I learned to stress that this is business not friendship from here on out. Play~ In the end of the start up phase, my friend had a very visible business. She was able to infiltrate three community centers and get some private tutoring going on the side. Pause~ She's not making a million dollars but she is happy and knows that her business has the potential to grown once she can afford to expand. Play~ Well after that, she and two other friends of mine told me that I was unlike anything they had ever seen. I was happy, throwing the best ideas out and really passionate. Pause~ At the time I was in a job I hated. It paid the bills but overall was boring and not interesting. Play~ So after much thought and some short term business classes I started my venture.

Within the first year, I was fortunate to have gained a smart business partner and five PAYING clients. Pause~ Major goal for my small business of two people! Play~ What's even more weird is that as of now I am fielding requests for more businesses to submit RFPs to me. But anyway, I said all of this to say that in life there will always be things that you never think you can do until you push yourself to do it. Now true there will not always be a positive/great result but at least when the time comes you can say "yup I tried it and it was fill in the blank."

In all, I think that I had made an unstated promise to always do what I wanted to do. Of course think about the consequences, weigh the risks BUT always be true to the fact that when I want to do something just do it! And to be honest, I have applied this to every function in my life at this point. So I hope that all of you out there have been able to gain/bask in that same revelry.

Until next time,
Annie P

Everything Comes Full Circle

Good afternoon everyone! Glorious (cool) Thursday afternoon don't you think? Well to jump right in I'm going to give you all some bullet points as to how things have been on my side. Love: Everything comes full circle.

• Past: Yesterday, I had the "pleasure" of seeing my old boss (-__-) from my first job out of undergrad. Pause~ This was the atmosphere I referenced before where I was "pushed" out of that arena. Ha! Play~ Well we were riding a number train from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and she saw me standing in my very chic outfit and tapped me on the shoulder. Pause~ Ever been tapped by a white lady on the train? If not, I can tell you its very interesting because I turned with the stinkiest look ever. Play~ So we see each other and she comes in for an embrace and of course I grant it back. Pause~ Never liked her at all. She was underhanded and very sneaky. The entire company was that way which is why I was ecstatic when they asked me leave. UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS! Play~ In the midst of our "catch up" she stops to ask me if I am working and where. So of course I tell her, and she forms a look of "shock" on her face. So I asked her "Carrie is everything ok?" and she answers "Well yes, I'm surprised! I would have never thought you would have made it 'there.'" Pause~ WTF does "there" mean?! And this is what I was talking about. Play~ And on that note readers, I decided to bid my adieu and leave that damn train car cause I sure was about to smack her. Lesson: Things came back full circle because to her ass I was just another dumb employee that they had to let go. However, they never tried to harness my skills. So boo to them.
• Dating: Fine Man and I have been trying to make a rebound post that "snooping" scenario last week. Things are well but now I am waiting for the "boom to drop." Pause~ Ugh I hate being pessimistic. Its def not in my nature; however, something...something ain't all together there. Play~ So in awaiting the bad, I think that I am stalling a great deal of good that could be occurring. Not to say we would be exclusive and/or together BUT I'm sure there could be more dates, phone calls, text messages, etc. However, in speaking with a good guy friend of mine we shall call King Kev; he let me know that in making this man "wait" I am doing the same things that I tell him not to do. Funny right? Lesson: Taking my own advice is hard. But if I'm going to dish it I better be about it.
• Love: Yesterday on my dinner break, I was rummaging through my bag (what's new) and ran across a note I wrote to myself. Pause~ If you haven't caught on yet, I'm the master of hand written notes to myself. They usually start off with "YOU BETTER DO..." or "I'M TIRED OF FORGETTING.." So usually when I find them I have like an awe man moment. Play~ So on this note, I had a reminder to myself that stated the following: "YOU BETTER REMEMBER to slow the hell down dawg!" Whats crazy about that note, is that I didn't date it, put a deadline to where I should write it down again (as I do sometimes) but it was just there. Now although trivial and somewhat nonsensical, that note came right on time. I definitely started burning the candlestick on both ends between work, family and the other stuff. Pause~ This is where I know that God is a woman. Play~  Lesson: I need to just chill out. Things will get done, that last email will get sent, the phone call will be returned. All those things I stress about will get taken care of.

In the end, my bullet points are somewhat every where but its just how I've been feeling as of late. Feel free to drop a line to let me know your thoughts.

Annie P

So It Happened...

Happy Thursday all! Today is a wonderful spring day. So wonderful that I am in fact going to leave work on time and go get a glass of wine alfresco! Like many know, winters in NYC can be harsh and brutal but by the time spring arrives its a new day and a new attitude. Pause~ Even though this bubbly girls stays pretty consistent through the seasons. Play~ Anyway love for the day: Expecting nothing but finding everything.

So Fine Man and I have been getting closer lately. Pause~ I know...I know. I was done with him but you will see where this is going. Play~ So all of a sudden we can have nice conversations and SIMPLE outings that result in lots of laughs and good times. And through this non-dating scenario we have been able to get to know one another in a way we haven't before when we were "dating." Pause~ Yes we have coined it "non-dating" because when we were "dating" he kept fucking up (for lack of a better term). So now we are non-dating. Play~ Well moving along, the other day I went to his office to drop some things that I had in my bag from our last date/non-date. Pause~ Nothing major that I couldn't hold on to BUT I do not like holding on to another persons things. Like it will bother me that I am carrying it around. Play~ And he invited me to sit and relax before we left again, which I did for a second. And then my blackberry conked out and I had to use his office as my "base" for the hour I was waiting on him.

Hm, well I'm sitting there in front of his computer and his blackberry and his personal phone and his outlook calendar. So basically I'm sitting there with this man's life in front of me and I was like hmm should I or shouldn't I. Pause~ Disclaimer: I am no snoop! However,  in light of our new friendship I always wondering if he is actually AS BUSY as he lets on. I mean I know he's busy due to what he does BUT is he as busy personally as he states. Things to make you go hmm. Play~ So of course, I decide not to because its not worth it. I really am not concerned with the whole looking for something. Because like the old saying goes, when your ass goes looking for something scandalous you will find something you don't want to see.

NOW in light of me saying that. I sat on his computer and decided to check this wonderful blog as well as other blogs that I follow. In all, I just wanted to see if anyone commented on my latest posts and/or if some of my good good friends posted new somethings. Pause~ Sidebar: My good friend Vexy and I discussed how hard it is to blog everyday when you are a twenty something. Like you have so much to say and not much time to say it. So usually I take a fast track approach to blogging. Start it on some sort of down time and complete later on. Play~ Well as I perused the different blogs, FM came in and said "Finished lets go." And I closed the box and just left. BIG PAUSE~ Please tell me you know what happened next. Play~

Fast forward to Wednesday morning, I wake up to a text message sent at 5:34AM that says "We need to talk." So of course, I shrug Pause~ We are not together you don't get an immediate call back. Play~ get up and get to work. At 12:30PM while I was on the phone, an email pops up on my blackberry "Call me asap." Pause~ Now readers, don't take this personal, I am usually very attentive but my bullshit meter was coming in at RED ALERT DON'T ANSWER! Play~ So of course I answer the email with "Super busy give you a ring at 4:30PM when I get back to the desk."

Now at 4:30PM on the dot, my office line rings and its FM. So here's how the convo went.

AP: This is [Annie P]

FM: Finally...you're a hard lady to catch

AP: Yup life of a recruiter. But that's not what you called about

FM: No actually you're right. I'm calling because I want to know what you think of us

AP: Us?

FM: Yeah like how do you things are going with me and you

AP: Hmm...I'm going to answer with a question. Where did this come from?

FM: Well if you don't mind, I would like an answer to my question first. Pause~ (Sigh) Negro please! Out with the nonsense. Play~

AP: Ok well in this non-dating scenario things are ok. We are starting to enjoy each others company.

FM: I totally agree.

AP: Ok....[insert silence]

FM: Well I came into my office last night after we parted and your blog popped up on my screen. Pause~ How does a box that is closed magically "pop up" on your screen. Ok...ya...sure. Play~

AP: Oh it did. I could have sworn I closed that [insert sarcasm]

FM: Hmm you did? So I read some of it and your a great writer!

AP: Thank you. The blog started as a 365 challenge and has moved to something else not too sure what yet.

FM: So I started reading and couldn't stop. I felt like I was getting to know you better until I reached the posts about me. Pause~ HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Play~

AP: Oh..well what did you think about yourself?

FM: That I'm a jerk!

AP: [whistles]

FM: WOW! Is this what your "followers" think of me as well?

AP: In all [FM] don't be offended only like 15 people read the blog, one. Two, no one thinks anything of you because they dont know you. And three, my thoughts then may not be the same as they are now. And as you can see I haven't written about you in a long time.

FM: Yeah I saw that. But did you not write because you weren't interested anymore or because there was no "juice" to tell.

AP: Neither, haven't written about you because there are other things to write about. Pause~ Y'all KNOW I'm not about explaining myself but I mean since I did write about him and he didn't know the blog existed I owed him some answers. Also a number of people don't know, but once your written about in a negative connotation it becomes hard to swallow. Play~

FM: Well I hope there is a better post to come. Especially after next week.

AP: Whats going on next week?

FM: You will see. Well I'm jumping on a call speak to you later.

- End Scene -

Hmm....so he read about himself. And I laugh because the same thing I vowed NOT to do got done to me. Isn't that ironic? Now by no means was I meaning to keep the blog a secret, its for public consumption. Also, true to form, I do not give a great deal of myself to men while dating/non-dating. Only because I feel like if you are worth the investment then and only then will you be allowed to know more than what you hear or are told. But it seems that once men know it exists and people read it, it becomes a "Did you write about this or that?" convo.

So readers, I ask you is the no snooping rule dead? Do people still snoop in hopes of finding something? Or are we in a society where that's considered "okay?"

Pondering,
Annie P

Dreams - Rem, Life & Functionality

Good morning everyone. So I have been missing lately, but for very good reason! Work is going great! Pause~ Its a lot but its great! I woke up this morning ready to take the day! Play~ One thing that I wanted to speak on today was dreams. So love for the day: Function...understanding it for the most part.

Well last night was weird. Not in the process of the night; but in the whole ending leading up to this morning. So like any Sunday, I did things that were necessary to do before the week begins. Pause~ Chores stink, but I mean in the sense that work is work and bills are bills you know. Play~ Well anyway, I ended up doing "mans" hair and then going to take a shower and get in the bed. So I get to sleep and I had one of those sleeps where you don't dream. Pause~ Secretly, that scares me. Not dreaming to me is like not thinking. And I love to ponder, hypothesize and come to a conclusion. So when I don't dream it usually freaks me out. Play~ Well at the usual wake up time my alarm goes off and I ceremoniously turn it off and go back to sleep for "five more minutes." Pause~ Five more minutes is the story of my life. The hardest part for me is getting out of bed. I don't know why but it is. However, once this girl is up I'm UP! Play~ Upon falling back to sleep, I began to have a dream that kind of shook me to the core.

The dream starts with me in the bathroom in my apartment. And I am staring at my reflection in the mirror. The image doesn't change but I come out and there is a totally different apartment. Well then I end up magically in a car in front of my moms house with (dare I say it) "man." And we are there talking and he is comforting me on some "news" that I have to tell my parents. Pause~ I know we are all thinking pregnancy but for some reason I don't think that was the news per say. Play~ So in the car, I a feeling of distress comes over me. Pause~ I know I really felt this because when I woke up my hand was to my chest. Play~ And then somehow, we end up getting "intimate" in the car. Well I jump out of my sleep and realize I have been sleep for an extra FIFTY-TWO MINUTES. Pause~ Thank goodness for a twenty minute train ride to work. Play~ When all is said and done, I don't know why I was so shook by the dream; but, I am really searching for a meaning. Because the "news" was not revealed.

Now fast forward to 20 minutes post waking up. I get a text from my long time friend in Atlanta. We shall name her "Transitional." So background of Transitional...she is a twenty-something who has recently acquired her masters degree. She moved out of NYC a couple of years ago and her boyfriend joined her maybe two years ago. Well they moved out there and went through the natural storming/norming/forming stages couples go through with that adjustment. Pause~ I don't have an opinion on that couple per say but shes happy so who would I be to judge. Play~ Anyway she text me this morning and it says the following.

"Hey girl!! I got some good news...but I need some help. Call me when you can please."

Now being her friend I knew what the news was before I even finished reading the message. She's engaged. Pause~ Aside from the fact that they have been together since the dawn of man, this is the natural progression of my friendships. Play~ Well I call and she says exactly that! And then the advice portion comes through. She has given her man a substantial amount of money and once the money changed hands she began monitoring his bank account to see where the money is going. Pause~ Why the hell did you give him the money? Play~ So yes, she goes on to tell me about every penny that is spent and why she is upset. And I ended the convo with "The money has changed hands and this is not a good way to begin you engagement. Stop snooping and let him do him. The truth comes out later on and you can deal with it then."

So after getting off the phone with her, I wondered was my dream the lead up to that conversation? Or is there something else coming down the pipe?

So to end this post, lately I feel like I have been living in three different realms of a dream.

- Rem: Where I sleep and "imagine" what is to come
- Life: Where work, friends, family, consequence and everything else is actually occurring
- Functionality: The portion of the day where I "pull in the reigns" on what is going on

Does anyone else feel this way?

Annie P

Doors Closed? No Not True

No need to discuss the weekend. It was a weekend and that's all I can say about that. However, I did have a wonderful Sunday. Love: With education you have EVERYTHING you need to be ANYTHING you ever wanted to be.

There are rare times when I get to sit down and just relax. I know this is something I say often but this Sunday ended up being a great end to a tumultuous week. Well this Sunday, I got to do the things that I haven't done in a while. 1) Read the New York Times Sunday paper, 2) Watched "Meet the Press" and "Week in Review" 3) Took a morning jog and 4) Had tea and fruit. Pause~ Boring...yeah I guess. But as the old quote says "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Welcome to my treasure. Play~ Waking up at 6AM, I definitely got up and set the wheels in motion for the day. So once I returned from my run and my Sunday purchases, I sat down to see "Meet the Press." And as I watched, I paid attention and ceremoniously shouted back at the television for the entire duration of the program. Pause~ I am secretly very passionate about politics. I love ingesting it all. From autobiographies (yes I read Sarah Palin's book too), to CNN.com and the NYT. Now I know many people may think that I must be one of those "smart/intelligent" people. However, my belief in life is "You can not complain about it if you are ignorant to the facts." Play~

However, as I was sitting there listening, shouting and laughing at all the political antics from the past week I ran across the speech Michelle Obama gave at the 2011 Spelman graduation. Pause~ I am a real Michelle Obama fan! Like truly enamoured with her history and impressed with her stern beliefs. She is definitely on my "Awesome Women" list. Play~ In listening to Michelle Obama there are two things you can take from her. 1) She is one of the girls! and 2) She speaks with such passion and belief.
In her speech the overall message was about knowing that what you earned is something that no one can take. Use it, covet it and don't forget to show.it.off!

Usually, I would sit and make note on my computer or write it down in the poppycock. But once the speech was completed, I realized I had NEVER put up my Vanderbilt degree. Pause~ Vandy was everything this Brooklyn girl needed. Showed me the world, fostered long lasting relationships and catapulted me forward. True Commodore to the end. Play~ And in that instance, I got up off my couch and ran to my closet looking for it. And alas realized, IT WASN'T EVEN IN MY HOUSE! WHAT? Annie P was slacking....BIG TIME! Of all the things to never put on display, me...Annie P....never framed or put up my degree. Something I was so proud of, that brought me so much joy, that I literally bawled tears of joy on May 8th! Pause~ Yes I cried HARD at my graduation. There were so much blood, sweat and tears that went into that degree. Play~

So once the shock had subsided, I immediately began my search for the BEST framers in Brooklyn, NY. Not only was I going to put it on display but my degree was going to be in the best frame. In the end, this post isn't really about my degree; but, its about knowing that even if life is busy and can take you on all kinds of twists and turns you MUST realize that you are your best example of success.

One of my favorite writers, Tina McCullough-Ansah, wrote the following:

"Claim what is yours. You belong anywhere on the earth you want to."

Pause~ Michelle said this in her speech! I always knew we were BFFs. Play~ And its true. I'm a dream chaser. I want it all! And I'm going to get it all! So readers...TAKE IT ALL! THE WORLD IS YOURS. Pause~ Insert all euphemisms. Play~

So until next time.
This Dreamer Annie P

The Hypocricy of Family and Death

So one of the P family members has passed away. Now for this family member, I mourn but I saw how she was doing and visited her with my parents as often as I could. Pause~ For those of you who are wondering. Im doing fine. I am sad but not like in a puddle. As of right now, the concern passes to my parents. Play~ However, today's post is about those who glorify the passing of someone without even once having took the time to see how they were. Dislike for today: The Hypocisy Family and Death

The passing of my family member happened last night. And Im guessing as the time presented itself, my parents decided to wait until the morning to call my siblings and I. However, once getting the news of course I checked on my parents and then send messages to select family members. Pause~ I know you are thinking why select members. Well...in all truth no one outside of about seven to eight people actually visited this family member. So its hard to actually send messages to people who didnt care about her in life or death. Play~ Now fast forward to getting on the train this morning. I get on Facebook Pause~ I know I know...when I doubt I stick to a routine. Play~ and I start seeing statuses from my cousins and one aunt about the passing of this person. HUH....WHAT?! The first thing that jumped to mind was utter and total DISGUST! These people never ONCE took time to go see or inquire about her. Not when she was well, not when she was sick, not when she was having great days, not when she went blind...NEVER! So now you want great remorse?!!? How awful!

So while going through the comments left by "friends" I literally sat on the train and shook my head in disbelief. It literally almost wanted to post questions like:

- Where was her last known residence? What was the number there?
- Who went to see her most?
- Where did she live before her current location?
- How old was she?
- Do you know what degenerative issues she had?
- What was her favorite candy?
  * If you can answer none of the above question PLEASE TAKE THIS DAMN STATUS DOWN!

Pause~ Im not saying they can not be sad. No not at all. BUT BE REAL! They never took the time to inquire. She was just another reference point in a conversations with friends. They never knew her history, never knew what she was going through, never knew about her moves from one place to another. UGH. Play~ In the end, I guess Im just upset that people glorify death in hopes of getting sympathy. I, personally, would never put something as sensitive on facebook. Pause~ I know you're thinking I put it in my blog. And yes I did. But its not to gain sympathy. Like I said, Im doing fine. This post was more of a venting session. Play~  In my mind somethings are better left in the privacy of a family. Let us deal with it together. Dont put yourself out there to "show your emotions" and then have NOTHING to say when people ask you questions.

In the end, I guess people can mourn on their own terms. However, I hold my family very private. I do not like everyone knowing what is going on. I do not like seeing people call and look at us with that pitiful "Im so sorry face." But alas, you can not control everyones crazy. So I guess my only lesson today would be....In times you just have to know when to be quiet.

Anyway...RIP to this young lady! Fiery wit and endless laughs! Peace out dawg!

Until next time,
Annie P